This post is sponsored by A Place For Mom.
It’s been 2.5 years since my parents began their journey of moving out of their house of 50 years and into assisted living. It’s now been 6 months since mom passed away and as we approach Father’s Day, I wanted to bring you an update on how everything is going with dad in memory care. Life changes when one spouse dies and leaves the other one alone, but it may be a blessing that mom went first before dad. Her passing doesn’t seem to affect his activity and it’s good that he doesn’t actively grieve all the time after losing his love of 70 years.
As a reminder, when we were looking for assisted living facilities, I did call a company that helps with those decisions, A Place for Mom. It can be such an overwhelming time for families who are going through this. I get messages and emails from people pretty often asking me questions about the process of moving parents to a care home. Back then in 2021, this was all new for us and we had never navigated this journey before. You can ask friends for their opinions and help, but it makes things a lot more clear when you have a knowledgeable advisor assisting in the process of finding the right place for your loved one. At A Place for Mom, you get paired with a dedicated advisor that helps. Best of all, their guidance is free to families.
When working with A Place for Mom, you get paired with a dedicated Senior Living Advisor who guides you through every step of the process. Our advisor at A Place for Mom provided recommendations and helped me to set up appointments to visit 5 senior communities in my area. I visited all 5 of them in one day and my family made our decision quickly that very same day, leaving a deposit for our chosen community. Two months later, my parents left their home and moved into the community, getting a red carpet welcome. It really helped that this community was only 5 minutes from my house, as I am the primary caregiver for my parents.
If you’re new to this assisted living world, A Place For Mom has so many resources online to help you navigate this journey with your family. Articles like Moving to Assisted Living Checklist can really help you think about all the things you will be dealing with as you prepare for the move. There’s a lot to think about, especially if you’re moving parents out of their home. You have to think about what to take with them, what furniture will fit in the room and how to make them comfortable in their new environment. We did that for mom and dad both, assuring that they had familiar things around them for comfort.
You may just be starting this journey with a senior in your life. Sometimes family members don’t agree on these things, but Talking to Family When You Can No Longer Care for an Elderly Parent is a good source of information to read. My family (me, my sister, Renee and my niece, Lauren have all been on the same page with all of these decisions and it helps to have a united front. I feel for families who don’t have that unity, it’s a hard enough journey without the stress involved when there are disagreements about how to proceed. When a loved one can no longer take care of themselves at home, so many things become a danger to them and if it’s not feasible to move in with family, the care is too much, then an assisted living and memory care community are life savers. They certainly have been for us.t
So how is dad doing after losing mom 6 months ago? He’s doing very well. He’s stable and content, often telling me that he’s happy that he’s in such a nice place. He acknowledges that they take good care of him, he gets 3 meals a day and his daily needs are taken care of. That really gives me peace of mind when I travel and am not around for a few days. I know the care manager and we can message each other if something comes up. Having this peace of mind is priceless and we are so glad that we made the decision 3 years ago to move them out of their house. Mom had the burden of trying to look after dad in his stages of early dementia and it was wearing her out.
I visit dad a few times a week and he’s upbeat, positive, grateful and generally has a good disposition about his situation. Of course, he doesn’t totally comprehend that he’s in a memory care community, but he knows that he lives there and it’s become his new home. I take him outside to sit on the front porch pretty often. He loves to watch the traffic go by and the trains pass in town. He loves seeing the blue sky and always comments on that. I cut his fingernails regularly and he’s always grateful and says thank you very much.
I’m grateful for communities like this that take care of the elderly. It’s a much needed benefit at his stage of life. Living with dementia is not easy, but we navigate that as well. He doesn’t always remember that mom has passed away. He will say things like “my wife is around here somewhere.” Instead of reminding him over and over that she has passed, I tell him that I check on her and she’s doing fine. He will say “good, I’m glad to hear that.” It gives him peace of mind knowing she’s OK. We felt this was the best way to handle that situation. At first, I did tell him she had passed that first month when he asked a few times, but now I just deflect and we don’t dwell on that. He’s not remembering names now. He seems to still know that I’m his daughter, he always lights up when I come in, but when I asked him my name last week, he couldn’t recall until I told him. So, the journey with dementia continues.
Choosing a memory care community is something I had never had experience with, but we are still happy with our Dogwood Forest choice. A family in my dad’s old church just moved their beloved mom into Dogwood and it’s good to see that they are getting her settled in as well. I can see in their faces that this is all new and a bit overwhelming and I remember that feeling well. I sometimes take Daisy to see Dad and that gives us something to talk about. He loves it when I bring him ice cream, so I try to do that pretty often. Ice cream is his favorite!
I’d definitely encourage anyone to call A Place for Mom if you’re starting this process or you just want to prepare yourself and have a plan in place for when the time comes. Don’t wait until something bad happens and you’re forced to make a quick decision. Arm yourself with good solid information before you have to use it and you’ll be so happy you did.
Glad your dad is still doing well. You are blessed to have him in such a good place.
Awww thanks for the update on your dad. I thought of him a couple of days ago and am pleased to see that he is still enjoying life. I have been through that journey with my dad and it can be heartbreaking. Keep bringing the ice cream. It is the little joys that matter now. Suzanne
Thanks for the update on your sweet Dad. Glad to hear he’s doing well in memory care and not struggling with the loss of your precious mom.
My heart goes out to you and your sister….making the decision to move your parents to assisted living is a heart wrenching one…we’ve gone through it, too. We contacted A Place for Mom for guidance at first, and they were proactive about setting up appointments for us to visit several places, but we weren’t ready to make a decision at that time; we were just beginning the process and just wanted information. About a year later, we ended up visiting six different places on our own to “vet” them. Then we made appointments at four and took mom to visit each one, and she chose the one she liked best. We had the luxury of time in that we didn’t have to make a quick decision. We are happy with the assisted living our mom chose, and she has been, too, for the most part. We are very happy with her health care and the varied activities, especially music programs she loves, but there are challenges with not enough CNAs….no place is perfect, so you have to know that going in. Thank you for sharing your journey and giving your readers a suggestion of who to contact to begin the process. Enjoy a summer of many visits on the porch with your dad…with ice cream!
Thank you, Susan, I’m so glad you had a positive experience with A Place for Mom too. Companies like that are a big help to families as we navigate this journey with our loved ones. We had no idea what all we were getting into, but it’s a learning process as you go. You’re right, no place is 100% perfect, but if you can find close to it, that’s good.
You are such a good daughter. Been there myself.
Love the picture with your Dad and Daisy! That’s the sweetest—he has a big smile on his face!
Happy Father’s Day to your handsome Dad. He is very lucky to have you in his life. It’s very difficult to be with someone you love who has memory loss. My husband and I have dealt with this with his Mom. Take one day at a time. Savor every moment you have with your Dad and you will have no regrets. Only beautiful memories.
I was just wondering about your dad. As I wrote to you years ago, it was your dad’s garden that inspired me to try my hand at it, so as I was planting this season, I thought of your dad. Glad to hear things are as good as they are, all things considered. Praise God.
Your dad looks really good. You and your sister are lovely daughters. Bless you all!
I’ve loved following your story with your parents back to when your dad was able to help with projects at your first home and plant those huge gardens! But I was so sad when I could see your mom going down hill with her back trying to manage everything. So thankful you moved them so she could have some fun at her new home and meet new friends. You are a faithful daughter and have truly honored your parents! ❤️
Thank you, Toni, it worked out well for mom and I’m glad she had some peace in her last couple of years there.
Thanks for the update on your precious dad. I have been enjoying your blogging journey since you began, and your parents were just a delight to “get to know.” My parents situation had mirrored yours with great similarity. You and your family handled this situation with much grace, love, sensitivity and compassion. I was so sorry when your mom died but I am so pleased your dad is doing well even though he is experiencing dementia. You are a role model for many as are your parents!
Thank you so much, Leigh. It’s not always easy, but we do what we need to for our parents. We do miss mom so much!
Oh, Rhoda – what a good daughter you are! So happy your father is content in his surroundings. We just had a conversation about this at breakfast this morning – we moved into the 55+ Independent Living part of a Continuous Care Retirement Community 7 years ago. We were looking a a place to retire and as we were never blessed with children we knew we needed to make a plan. When we found this resort like community we jumped at the chance to get the floor plan that we loved…almost as big as our home and a screen patio, too. We have made friends that are like family. This morning a group of us were discussing dementia as our community is building a brand new, multimillion dollar Memory Care Center. We have one now…but this new one will be state of the art with an enclosed are with shops, cafes, etc. We all agreed that those amenities are really for the family members…because the loved one really does not know where they are. I volunteer for the devotion time in the Memory Unit that exists and am so impressed by the facility and care the residents receive. We hope we never need it…just intend to enjoy our community ( Willow Valley Communities) for a long time. But we have no worries about the future and finding a place for each other if the need arises. Bless you and your family for the loving care you give your father…my sister had the lion’s share for my mother and elderly relatives with no children. We knew we had to make a plan for ourselves because we know how difficult this time can be. So grateful that A Place for Mom helped you. Blessings to you, your father, and your family!
Thank you, Ann, it is certainly a journey for so many families and we don’t know what we don’t know until we get there. I’m so glad there are good companies out there now who can help families with information and in the decision making process. I love the sound of your community, sounds like a great place.
Your story reminds me so much our journey with my Mom and Dad. It was definitely was a blessing that Dad passed first because Mom did not really fully grieve due to her dementia. It would have crushed Dad if Mom had gone first. Making all those decisions is so exhausting and stressful but once you get them settled it goes much smoother. I am forever grateful for my brother and sister-in-law as they became the primary caregivers due to proximity. My SIL was an absolute angel and I count myself so very blessed! Prayers and blessings for you as you travel this very difficult road.
I’m so happy your Dad is doing well. He looks amazing. I am glad that he can live in such a nice place. Thank you for all of the information.
thank you for the update on your father and all the wonderful info many of us will be faced with one way or another. My mother passed 8 years before my father. The area they lived in did not have facilities that would be remotely close to any friends and relatives for any visitation. He remained on his family farm right up until the very end with a part-time daytime caregiver and phone and computer connections with my adult daughter and I helping him learn to cook. This was a cross country situation. He was so willing to learn things and survived some cooking missteps. Many did not think it would be successful for longdistance care but he happily signed me up for online banking for billpay and it was a joy to be able to do those things for him. Taking too much of your time with this. It is nice that you have shared your parents with us. thank you thank you and thank you
Thank you Brenda, so many of us face this situation and we all make it work somehow. Mark’s dad passed away almost 4 years ago and his mom has continued to live in their home on 5 acres. She loves her home and doesn’t want to leave, but we don’t know how long she can stay there. She’s taken a couple of falls and doesn’t want to wear a button to call for help. So, it’s a tough situation too. I’m glad your dad adapted to living alone with all of your help.
Thank you for bringing us up to date. we haven’t made any trips out of town this year. We have always been thrilled to drop in to see Uncle Albert and aunt Iris. ( and you of course). we have plans to get together with Uncle Carlton’s son Alan. He has retired hand moved to Palm coast area. We will bring photos geniology information. He is excited since many years living overseas his history has been mostly lost. I would love any pictures you might have to add for Carlton’s family. drop an email if you come across any. love you