Mom and Dad celebrated 70 years of marriage on September 5, 2023. We waited until a month later when my sister was home and we planned a celebration at Dogwood, their assisted living facility, inviting some of their old friends and all the friends that live there. It was a special day and we all enjoyed it. 70 is quite the milestone of an anniversary and not a lot of people make it that long.
Mom has had a lot of struggles the last month, so I’ll update you all on both of them today. It’s been a hard month on all of us, but we made the best of their celebration and made it as nice as we could for them. Mom had seen another couple celebrate their anniversary and she mentioned she would like to do the same for their 70th.
I ordered a beautiful strawberry cake from local bakery, McIntyres in Smyrna, a well known and loved bakery. They deliver out to West Cobb where we pick up cakes when we order them. Their cakes are delicious and I’ve ordered strawberry many times. It has a cream cheese icing that’s delicious and they decorated it to my specifications, which was perfect!
We got balloons for the occasion too and it was a beautiful day.
The happy couple on September 5, 1953. They got married in my mom’s home church at Pleasant Grove Assembly of God in Durant, FL. Al and Iris began their married life together and set out in the ministry. They’ve had a wonderful life together, richly blessed by God. A little over one year later, my sister Renee was born in October. I came along 2 years later, in 1956.
I gave them this picture to do a flyer for the celebration and I love this going away picture of them. You can still see those young folks in the older version, can’t you? Life was just beginning then and now it’s waning.
Renee and I got a picture with them to remember the day.
Update on Mom and Dad
Dad (age 96) is really pretty stable and hasn’t changed a lot in the last few months. He hasn’t had anymore health scares in the last few months and seems to be pretty content day to day. His memory hasn’t gotten any worse that we can see. He still knows us, the immediate family, but doesn’t remember our old friends or much about the great grandgirls. With dementia, you just never know how fast it will go and he may move on to other stages before too long. We are grateful he is stable and content, that means a lot at this age. We can tell he’s comfortable on his side in Memory Care. When we bring him over to have lunch in the common area on mom’s floor, he’s always ready to go back. He will say, “Just take me to the door and let me in.” And then he’ll walk on through with a bye-bye.
Mom (age 95) has had a rough month of it. When I was visiting my sister in August, we noticed in talking to her on the phone that she seemed to be out of character for her when she was telling us about some conversations she had with some of her friends. She talked about being mean to someone, which really was out of character for her. We didn’t quite understand what was going on. When I got home, things took a worse turn and she became really confused and out of it even more. At times she was almost catatonic and listless, not responding well at all and not wanting to go to the dining room. It would take her quite awhile to get her words out and speak. We thought maybe she had experienced a TIA. The strange thing was it would come and go. One day she would be pretty normal and the next, back to being so confused and saying the craziest things. Things so out of character for her. She was very paranoid and talking about where she lives and what all was going on around there that she perceived as being bad. She was making things up that were not an issue.
It got so bad that I took her to Urgent Care on a Sunday afternoon. They did all sorts of tests, including a chest scan and a urinalysis where they determined she had a UTI. I had heard from so many people that it was probably a UTI, but this was our first experience with mom. The symptoms she had were totally indicative of a UTI. So the doctor at urgent care sent her home with 7 days of antibiotics. She took that all that round, but still the confusion and agitation/paranoia continued. I did another urine sample and took it to her PC doctor, who analyzed it in house and before I could even hear back from them (it was over the weekend and nothing moved fast), mom was so bad on Monday, that I loaded her up (with her crying and not wanting to go) to the hospital. I took her to Northside Cherokee, a hospital that we’ve been to several times with both mom and dad. She spent two nights in the hospital. I couldn’t stay with her, as the next day was my cataract surgery. So I left her in good hands at the hospital and they ran a lot of tests on her as well. The urine test came back positive again, so they put her on an IV of antibiotics, a different one this time once they found out the strain of bacteria she had. She was released after 2 nights and came home with another 5 days of antibiotics. My sister, Renee and niece, Lauren were coming home that weekend, so they got to see her firsthand to see how bad she was. I was heading out of town for that conference so they looked after her for a few days. She was still back and forth with the confusion and being out of it.
Renee stayed through the week after I got back and we both had lunch with them every day, observing her behavior.She was back and forth for a few days and seemed to be improving, but the confusion isn’t completely gone. We’ve had a followup visit with her PC doctor this week. The doctor attributes some of her confusion with her age. We are doing another UTI test next week to make sure the infection is gone. She’s having problems remembering to take her meds and gets confused on how to use her phone and TV. Overall, mom is getting so much more feeble. I can see a decline in her this year. Ever since she broke her shoulder last year and got over that, it seems like it’s been one thing after another. Shingles in April/May, pneumonia in June, tested positive for Covid in September also along with the UTI and had to be in quarantine for 5 days for that. All of this has really zapped her energy. She goes to meals, but has little energy for anything else, but at her age it’s fine. She’s napping more than she used to. She just needs to pace herself and do what she can. She is better the last few days than she was a few weeks ago, so that’s a good sign.
Things for mom have gotten so hard, just the day to day things that she needs to do for herself, like wash out her big cup that she uses for her water and Gatorade mixture, taking out her dental partial plate that she wears. She broke her fingernail that she uses to get out her dental plate so she’s been leaving it out because it was so hard to get out, but that means she can’t chew her food as well. I finally told her to just put it back in and don’t worry too much if she can’t get it out all the time. She can brush her teeth and rinse. Chewing is more important at this point. Sidenote: She told me yesterday that she is able to get it out again.
So many little things that we all take for granted, they can’t do anymore. Mom’s fingers are almost completely numb from arthritis. Her hands are so knotty and it makes her fingers numb. She has so many little things that add up to hard days and it makes us so sad for her, but there’s not a lot we can do to help her. We are getting her set up on the next care level at the facility, so they will start giving her meds to her every day and also helping her with showers. She doesn’t feel comfortable taking showers by herself anymore, even though there is a big seat to sit in and she can use the handheld shower wand. She feels like she needs help to do that, so we are upping the care level so she can get help for that too. Hopefully, helping her with those two things will make a difference. All she will have to do is get dressed in the mornings and make it to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. There’s not a lot of other things she has to do. Her eyesight is really getting bad and even with reading glasses, it’s hard for her to read all that well.
We are very sad to watch this process. It makes all of us sad for her, but it’s getting hard. It’s exhausting for me especially to deal with all the things that come up since I’m the only one here for her in person. I pay all her bills, pick up anything she needs from the store and am the one close by that helps them with doctor appointments and anything else they need. The paranoia and confusion has been especially hard to deal with for all of us. There’s no reasoning and talking it out with someone who believes one thing, but you’re trying to convince them that their mind is running away with them. So hard. She’s been better this week, but I can tell she’s just so worn out and getting more feeble by the day. I just want her to be comfortable and as content as she can be. It’s hard to see them unhappy about things and it’s not like her to be unhappy, she’s always been a positive person. So last month has been a doozy and I hope things improve with time. We just want the Lord to take them both when it’s time for them to go, peacefully and as fast as possible. We will gladly give them up so they don’t have to suffer in bodies that are failing. Mom tells me often that she’s ready to go.
People tell me all the time how fortunate we are to still have them. Yes and no. I guess if you lost your parents early in life, you would look at us with envy. I’m glad we’ve had them for so long too, but at this stage of life and the shape their bodies are in now, it’s so hard to watch them just getting weaker and weaker. Incontinence, walking so slowly with walkers, hardly able to get up and down out of chairs anymore. Losing the mind is the hardest part to watch too. The parents we know and love are still in there, but they sure look a lot different than they used to. They were so strong and capable, both of them always independently living and hardly ever asking for help for anything all the way through their 80’s. The 90’s came and hit hard. We are like the parents now. I have cousins in SC and FL both going through the same things with their parents, my mom’s two brothers who are still living. It’s the hardest thing any of us have ever dealt with and we check in with each other to commiserate. I know so many of you have gone through this too, so what I’m sharing is nothing new. It’s been going on with families over and over again as the elderly get infirm and need full time care and the children take over everything. It’s very hard to be in charge of someone else’s entire life as well as your own. I know you all know what I’m talking about and if you’re not there yet, here’s a glimpse of it. I’m so grateful they are both in a nice facility that sees to their needs. Thank the Lord that they saved their money and could afford care like this. I know that’s not the case for every family, so we are so grateful for that.
You just don’t know how this road will wind until you walk it out. Most of my friends lost their parents in their 80’s or younger, some with dementia and some without. I don’t know what is harder, but I can tell you the 90’s are very difficult to watch. There’s nothing fun about parenting your parents, but we do what needs to be done for them. I know that treating our parents with dignity is part of the process and they raised us, so it’s now time to take care of them. I also look at my mom and see myself in 25 to 30 years. She’s passed down several things to me that I can see will be with me forever too. Arthritis, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, back issues, etc. On a side note: I just had my bloodwork done and my cholesterol came down this year (from 257 to 216), so that’s a big plus! I didn’t do anything different this particular year, so I’m not sure how that happened, unless it was supplements I’ve been taking, but I’m glad it came down 40 points, so I’m not going on a statin ever at this point.
Today’s share is real and raw, I know. I’m just telling you like it is at this time. It’s not up to us when it’s time for them to go. God is in control here, so I just have to trust Him for their end of days. I know they bless a lot of folks who watch them when I share them here and on Instagram. You just see little snippets of them, but the whole picture is sometimes sad, bleak and hard. But we will keep going and help them as long as the Lord keeps them here with us and as I said, we will gladly let them go when it’s their time. God will be with them, that I know for sure!
Rita C at Panoply says
A very touching post, Rhoda. Happy Anniversary to your parents. My best friend is going though this with her mother-in-law, also 93. Her mil ended up in hospital this past week with another UTI (she also has some dimentia). She was complaining of her hip hurting along with other dilerium. Turns out her hip was broken, and the Dr’s best assessment was that it had been over a month ago!
I’m sure Renee appreciates you being the point person. God bless you all.
Cheri says
What a wonderful 70th anniversary party, and what a sweet picture. They both looked so young and ready for life.
I appreciate this post, my 90 year old father lives with us, and I understand everything you wrote.
It is heart wrenching to watch them deteriorate and difficult (at times), to know how to proceed.
I am trying to not only accommodate my dad’s continual age decline. but I am now trying to make wise choices about aging in place features for my husband and I. Sometimes decor is not an option, just keeping our home clean and safe is challenging.
There are so many of us who have had financial problems that assisted living will never be an option.
Thank you, for this post.
Rachel Hill says
I can so sympathize with you and your family. My sister and my mother live together and every day is a new challenge. She has constant UTI’s that cause a lot of mental confusion at times. I try to help as much as possible. You are doing a great job taking care of your parents, but caregivers need a break sometimes. Take care of yourself.
Rhoda says
Hi Rachel, I do for myself too & do not feel guilty when we travel. It’s a must!
Maura says
Happy Anniversary to the happy couple! How exciting to get to that milestone!
Your furthermost on your parents is felt by many. My mother in law had chronic UTI’s. It most definitely affected her personality. We could always tell when she had one by her demeanor. We loved her immensely but it was a blessing when she eventually passed peacefully. we are now taking care of my mother who has a totally different set of ailments! We are also the sole caretakers of both.
God bless you and your parents.
Carla says
Hang in there Rhoda, thank you for sharing your story, you and Mark are doing a great job, Happy Anniversary to your parents!
Nancy Sharp says
Yes, I am one who took care of my parents until ages 94 and 96. Assisted living was a gift from God. I still did many things for them like you do. But it is stressful watching them deteriorate. My mom did not know me her last year. She was bedridden for her last five years. My Dad’s mind was good, but his body just deteriorated.
Rhoda says
I sure do not want to see mine bedridden either, that’s worse than death.
Vicki says
You are so right about wishing our parents were still here but not really realizing what that means. Seeing these two wonderful people spending what is likely their last decade being sick and confused is very sad. It makes a huge difference to have faith in God and to know he has them in his palm and will take them home when their time here is finished. I don’t know how people do the hard things in life without him. Did you ask the doctors about checking your mom’s electrolytes? I saw this same confusion with my aunt but once they balanced her electrolytes, it all went away. Doctors sometimes use old age as the reason for some things that can in fact be helped.
Rhoda says
I’m not sure how electrolytes are checked but the hospital said she wasn’t dehydrated.
Diane Moore says
What good advice! I thought the same about the “old age” diagnosis, but haven’t heard about checking electrolytes. That’s an excellent tip.
Jane says
Oh Rhoda, my heart aches for you! I know exactly how you feel. I took care of my mom and she lived to 97 but the last year of her life we dealt with paranoia. It was so hard and I never got a break because my family did not live near me. I will keep you and your parents in my prayers.
Rhoda says
Thank you Jane, I know you understand when they live so long it just gets harder.
Jeanne says
Rhoda, Real and raw, yes, but so full of love! God bless your family.
Emma says
My heart aches for you and Renee…
Been there and done that, and wouldn’t change anything… it’s sooo hard for the parents and children!!
May God give you and your family a peace and energy that passeth all understanding, that will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus💞
Kathy Parathyras says
I don’t usually post comments, but I had to say that I admire you so much for what you are doing for your parents.
Terry Bryson says
I have been thru much the same. My mom suffered at the end with cancer. At lunch with a friend just after the funeral, my friend said “ you seem happy!”. I was not happy, I was broken hearted. But I was so relieved.. the full care for them was in my hands. I was exhausted past belief. I then had full care of my dad. I do know, and would offer help if I could to you. People need huge support at this time.
Rhoda says
Terry, I know we will be sad too but I can relate to a sense of relief. Relief that they are not struggling any longer in this life.
Vicki says
Terry,
God bless you for caring for your parents. Like Rhoda, my mom resided in an exceptional assisted living facility for 5.5 years. I was the only child in town for her and oversaw everything. My brother managed property, finances and insurance matters and came when I needed him, a huge blessing. Mom was physically stable for her age but lived with Alzheimer’s. She died of a stroke at the age of 87, God’s mercy. I did not realize how much I lived on “high alert”, waiting for the next thing to happen, until she was gone. Waiting and watching, knowing at any given moment she would fall, or not know me, or lose her mobility. But God. I fretted, planned, prepared. But He chose Mom’s perfect time, in spite of my best caregiving efforts. God bless you for caring so for your LO.
Rebecca says
Thank you for updating us on your sweet parents. It’s a blessing to almost feel like we know these precious folks! But I know it is so hard to go through this stage…I am going through some similar challenges with my parents. It’s a heavy load to carry in so many different ways. Praying for all of you!
Wendy says
Oh gosh, what a heartfelt post. I cried reading it because it is so very familiar. It’s just so bewildering isn’t it? Joy at such a major milestone (70!), yet constant worry. They say that caretakers should take care of themselves, but how do you do this? The exhaustion, money concerns, and fear are overwhelming. I understand and feel your pain. ❤️
Rhoda says
Wendy, it’s hard but so many of us go thru this & it helps to talk about it:
Donna Holsey says
Thank you for sharing about your parents. I feel like I know them through your post updates. My heart goes out to you. My parents died at young ages, 65 and 71 due to illness. I often wonder how they would react to my grandchildren whom they did not get to see. Life always presents challenges and you are facing this difficult time with your ageing parents with courage and grace. God bless you and I will look for the next update.
Lorrie Stovall says
Thank you for the real, raw truth. I just put my Dad at The Memory Center and my Mom moved in with me and my husband. It’s a challenging, heartbreaking time- I’m often left feeling guilty and inadequate, but I remind myself God loves them more than I can fathom. Your truth has allowed me to feel understood.
Rhoda says
Lorrie, one thing I’ve learned is don’t feel guilty. Not about traveling or doing for yourself or whatever you need to do. I fully believe we caretakers have to take time for ourselves too & not get lost in the process.
brendalynne1 says
Such love and caring. Thank you for trusting us with sharing your heart with us,
I was wondering how your mother would be able to handle audiobooks since her eyesight is failing
MARY-ANN (FROM CANADA!) says
Rhoda, thanks for sharing this post with us — and for always sharing your precious Mom and Dad with us! You have made us feel like we are a part of your family! Your dear folks have been loved so much — and prayed for. It has been so hard for you with being the only daughter who lives close by. We have kept you all in our prayers — and will continue to pray! The Lord knows how faithful your Mom and Dad were — and still are to those they reach out to at their facility. They have truly been such a blessing to so many. It’s so sad to see what your dear parents are going through and we know that the Lord will take them home to be with Him one day very soon. In the meantime, it is so difficult to see the struggles that your dear folks are going through. So hard to see your dear Mom having so many problems at this time. We continue to pray for wisdom for you, dear Rhoda, as you take care of your precious folks. I’m so happy that you have your precious Mark beside you while going through these difficult days! May God Bless You Both and give you His peace!
Stickhorse V says
I know this is so hard for you. My sister and I went through this with our mom, and yes, I inherited some of those same health issues with arthritis and hypertension. Praying your mom has relief from pain so she can enjoy her days. Blessings to you all.
diane in northern wis says
My prayers are with you and your family, dear Rhoda. What difficult times for you all. My parents only made it into their low 80’s but even then, had some of the problems that you describe with your parents. UTI’s can be dangerous….I went into the hospital in late July with my first ever UTI and it turned into blood poisoning. I am lucky I am still here to talk about it. I pray that you can keep up your stamina and good spirits and continue to do what is necessary for your folks, as long as God allows. Know of my prayers for you and your mom and dad and entire family. When my mom was in the nursing home at the end of her life, I had to keep increasing her care level as things got harder for her and finally she ran out of money, but she was able to stay where she was and knew everybody there, thank God. I pray for the best for you and your parents and family. God Bless You all.