I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving this year with your families and friends. We did have a good one although it’s bittersweet too as things are changing drastically for us. We went to my cousin, Brenda’s house for Thanksgiving and enjoyed a feast as we always do when we go there. We used to gather with her parents and our parents at her house and it was always a happy and joyous occasion with her kids, all of us along with Lauren and her family as well. Mom and her dad are siblings and they’ve always been close. Brenda lost her mom and then her dad in the last 6 years, so things have been changing since then. Mom and dad are still here, but we know that can change at any moment, so I wanted to take time to let you all know how they are doing. My last post was a bit real and raw and this one is even more than that.
Mark and I had Thanksgiving dinner with mom and dad at Dogwood Forest this year as we did the last couple of years. Dad looks good doesn’t he? Mom has definitely had a rough 6 months as I mentioned in my last update about her and their 70th anniversary celebration in September. Their anniversary was September 5th, but we celebrated a month later. Mom wasn’t doing great then, after a UTi that really had her down for weeks. She was so out of it mentally with confusion and all that comes with that ailment. She finally got better from that, but then never really rallied and improved a lot since then. Dad is always ready to eat, so I was glad she was doing well enough to come to the dining room and we could all eat together. She’s been having a lot of meals brought to her room the last month.
One of mom’s dearest friends, Dot Henry, came to to see her before Thanksgiving and mom was so glad to see her. It had been a year since they had seen each other, since Dot has some physical things that keep her from going a lot.
During this time, in October we upgraded mom’s care level at Dogwood to Level 1, which gives her additional help with dressing, toiletry, and getting to bed at night, so that’s been a big help. She also gets her meds administered now since she was having trouble remembering that. She’s always done it herself until now, but it was time.
Also, during the last couple of weeks, we have called in hospice. We felt it was time for them to evaluate her and see how she was doing and she definitely qualified for hospice, since her health has steadily declined over the last 6 months. She’s had one thing after another to overcome, from shingles, to pneumonia, uti’s and more. I took her to a pulmonologist in the last month when she complained of shortness of breath and he confirmed she has pulmonary fibrosis and they did a blood test that indicated her heart is not pumping as it should and she’s in congestive heart failure as well. At 95, this is not a big surprise, but it just means she’s declining pretty rapidly and it’s showing every day. At that point, she was put on oxygen and she has an oxygen machine as well as portable oxygen tanks we can take with her. She doesn’t have to be on it every minute but it sure helps her breath better.
She was not even sure she was going to make it until Thanksgiving and she told me, Renee, and Lauren her goodbyes. It’s been a tear jerking month or two. We’ve all been heart broken to see her like this, but she’s ready to go and she tells us that regularly. I know she’s just tired of living in a body that is failing her every day. It’s so hard to watch. I know so many of you have gone through this too and it’s the circle of life, but it sure is not easy. I’ve been the main caregiver and having hospice involved the last 3 weeks has been a load off my shoulders. They are checking on her regularly and they will give her showers every week, which is so helpful. She was getting help from Dogwood, but this is even better to have hospice more involved with her needs and they can monitor her vital signs and all of that.
She did make it til Thanksgiving and Renee and Bruce were home as well as Lauren and Philip and the girls. They saw her every day they were home. Renee was here a week, which was nice and she brought food in several days so we could meet in the common area of mom’s 3rd floor and have some meals together. Mom really enjoys that and it’s a change of pace from the dining room. Mom definitely doesn’t love the food there all that much, but I think it’s just part of her decline. She said nothing tastes good anymore. Dad, however, has no problem with the food and regularly cleans his plate as well as partakes in all the dessert. He is still stable and doing well.
Mom was so convinced she was going soon and wanted me to bring dad over to see her, so I did the Monday morning before Thanksgiving week. They had not seen each other in a few days, so she wanted to be sure and see him just in case. They talked and had the sweetest conversation which I got a lot of it on video. Our family will cherish this one. They remembered how good their lives have been together and how God has provided and taken care of them. They both remarked on what good lives they have been able to enjoy all this time. He feels so bad to see her like this.
God has been faithful to these dear folks of mine! What a blessing! I know you’re probably crying by now, believe me I get it. They said their sweet goodbyes to each other that day, but it wouldn’t be the last time they see each other. God hasn’t taken her yet. They both told each other how much they loved each other that day and it was precious.
When the family finished lunch this day before Thanksgiving, mom told dad she wanted a hug before he left to go back to Memory Care. This picture is the sweetest thing ever. Two souls who are joined together forever and love each other til their last breath is gone. We always thought dad would probably go first, but it’s not looking that way now.
Mom really rallied the week of Thanksgiving and wanted so badly to go to my cousin’s house that day. She made it and we all headed over to Suwanee to my cousin, Brenda’s for that delicious feast. Dad is not able to get out that much now so we didn’t attempt to take him. He would have been so unhappy with all the kids running around and all the noise of people talking. He can’t hear very well and refuses to wear hearing aids, so he is isolated a lot because of that. We knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to insist he go, even though mom really wanted him to. We told her he would be miserable and ready to leave after an hour.
Little Alex is 3 years old now and is the cutest thing. She had an untimely accident on Thanksgiving Day and after hearing her sisters talk about jumping on the backyard trampoline so much, she was highly anticipating that fun play time after lunch. She could not wait to get out there! Her dad took her outside and all the kids played on the trampoline. As they were about to finish, Alex jumped one last time and came down on her leg and screamed in pain. Turns out after a visit to the pediatric urgent care, she had broken her tibia bone. They went home the next day and had it looked after as soon as they could and she’s in a cast for a couple of weeks. She’s doing fine and apparently that’s a common accident in kids on trampolines! Reminded us of one other Thanksgiving Day when Lauren was still in college and she did the backyard zipline at the cousin’s house and fell off and dislocated her elbow. That was another memorable day for our family!
Mom enjoyed being there and visiting with Doris, Bruce’s mom. She’s one year younger than mom at 94 and still lives alone in her house.
We’ve taken many family pictures in front of this fireplace, so we did another one this year. It very well may be the last one with mom or dad in the picture. Thanksgiving just won’t be the same as it was, but we will continue to celebrate as time goes on. Dad went with us 2 years ago in 2021, right after they moved to Dogwood and it was a sweet time together.
You can see how the girls have grown and how mom and dad have declined since this picture in 2021. They’ve been in Dogwood 2 years October 1st and it was definitely the right decision. I tell people that when folks get to their 90’s that each year is about 5 years in aging and that seems to be the case. Two years have made a big difference in mom.
Mom has seen so many people pass away at Dogwood the last year. She just lost one of her dear friends, the mayor’s mom, Miss Jo, passed away a few weeks ago and mom was so sad to see her go. They were good buddies and talked about their faith a lot. Mom wanted to go to the funeral, so we both went and it was so very sweet. Jo was a special lady.
This stage of life is not easy. No one prepares us for looking after and parenting our parents, but it’s a part of growing older for all of us. We didn’t see any of this modeled personally, as our parents left home when they got married and never moved back around their extended family, so my sister and I did not see the aging process on our grandparents like we are experiencing with our parents. Our parents have outlived their parents by several years too. Their siblings took care of all their parents until they died, so we did not experience that growing up as young adults to see this process first hand.
It’s hard, no doubt about it. Harder than you can anticipate until you get to this point in life. It’s hard being older and having another person’s well being put on your shoulders. Looking after all their medical needs and finances isn’t fun to navigate. That’s not an easy burden to bear, but I’ve done the best I could with being the only caregiver nearby and my sister moving away. I don’t blame her, I wished them well as they moved and built their dream home near Lauren and her family. Lauren, Renee and I discuss our parents’ well being all the time and I know they are thankful I look after them well. We talk about things together as we have moved through this process with mom. It’s hard no matter what, but we will continue on this path until the Lord takes them both home. We don’t know how long mom has, but hospice has assured us they will alert us as they see mom declining even more and headed to the end days. We will miss both of them when they are gone, but we would rather lose her tomorrow if it means she isn’t suffering anymore. Right now, she’s suffering and it’s hard to watch. I know it’s really hard for her too, her body failing and not being able to do for herself anymore. She’s always been a strong woman who did so much all the way up until they moved from their house. She doesn’t like to ask for help, but she does ask now, she has no choice but to rely on other people to help her.
Thank you all for the prayers over the years. You all have loved my parents and showed them so much tenderness and concern over the years I’ve been sharing them with you. Thank you for that!
Dear Rhoda,
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts as you navigate your parents’ inevitable journey.
I also am the caregiver for my mom, 93, who lives with us. We approach 70 and we thought our retirement would be filled with the freedom to travel while we are still healthy and making more memories.
Instead it is filled with endless appointments.
I remind myself all the time how lucky I am to still have her with me – but nothing prepares you for the sadness and responsibilities associated with watching them slowly fade away.
Wishing you strength!
Thank you so much for sharing this journey, Rhoda. What a model you’ve been, and so blessed to have all the resources you’ve been able to employ in assisting you with your mama’s and daddy’s care. The goodbyes are so bittersweet, especially watching those between your parents. 🙏
Rhoda,
I am in tears as I read this post. My heart hurts for you, Renee and the family. I understand very well how hard it is and pray that God continues to give you the grace, mercy and peace you need. You are right even though you see it, it is never easy. This is so much God’s process for life until eternity. David and I love and support you guys and are here if you need anything!
My Dear Friend,
I am in tears sitting here reading your story today. I certainly love your parents and have followed their journey ever since you and I met almost forty years ago. You have an amazing Daddy and Mama. Loving Godly people. Salt of the earth!
I grieve along with you. I have lost both of my parents and both of my Brothers. And, we lost our Son Mike in 2012. It’s a hard thing to loose your immediate family. However, we have peace in our heart through Jesus. We stand on His promises.
You are an amazing Daughter. I know that you and Renee will be okay because of the Godly wisdom that your parents have instilled in you.
Love You Friend,
Judy
Your parents are reaping what they have sown as you care for them. They raised you to honor your father and mother according to the Ten Commandments, and now you are honoring them well. I was very close to my paternal grandmother and watched her age. She required care from my parents and her other children until they had no choice but to place her in a nursing home her final 15 months of life. I still was not prepared for the level of care my dear mom needed from me as she lived with Alzheimer’s. Thank God, He was ahead of us, preparing the way, and the AL I chose was exceptional the entire 5 1/2 years she resided there. She received personal attention from the owner a few times. Unbeknownst to me when I chose the AL, a distant relative owned the AL. You are a loving and dutiful daughter! Continued prayers for you, Renee & Lauren as you love your parents to Heaven.
Thank you for the update Rhoda, may the good Lord shower you with strength in the coming days as you care for your mom and dad! And be good to yourself, very important for you and Mark to stay healthy and keep your spirits up.
Praying for you and your dear loved ones.
It is a very hard thing to go through, watching our beloved parents in their last few months. My dad has been gone 23 years now and my mom for 11 years, but I still think about them every day, as you do and will. Love has no end. As hard as it was to lose them and live without them, with this world as evil and upside down as it is, I take great comfort in knowing they are now well and safe in the presence of God. I pray for your parents and for God’s care over you as well.
I start each morning at work checking my email and reading your blog. I’m not sure how i found you years ago but I started by enjoying your decorating tips but have grown to love reading about your family…especially your parents. Thank you for sharing them with us!
Rhoda: Thanks for the raw update. Our generation first had to figure out a world wear women had to have a career often not by choice, and raise a family. Now we are the generation that has to figure out how to care for our aging parents. These are things that our parents never had to go thru because our grandparents didn’t live that long, our moms were homemakers. Our parents don’t know how to accept help and be appreciative to there children who have had to rearrange their lives to accommodate this new situation. My parents are gone now and I miss them every day. Life is hard and often no fun. My husband is now going thru this with his mom, who is totally incapacitated due to a n accident 20 years ago. Her brain is still great. We have just transitioned her to a nursing home. We have talked often about how we go about treating our girls when we are that age. How not to repeat the mistakes of our parents. I wish you love on your journey and it is one. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Sending hugs and prayers to you and your precious family . ✝️
Keeping you in my prayers at this difficult time. My husband lost his parents when they were young…so young – 55 and 53. I lost my dad when I was 14…and my mom about 20 years ago. I know your pain because we live in a retirement community – we moved in while in our 60’s to enjoy the resort style living and the promise of continuous care as we have no children. Over our 6 years here we have seen our neighbors go downhill. And, slowly the people we have become close friends with are passing away. It is a difficult feeling…we eat breakfast with these people every day, have happy hour get togethers, enjoy the exercise, lectures, and entertainment together. Recently I volunteered in the Memory Care unit and was impressed by the care given there, but it was also so sad. What it has impressed on me as both my husband and I approach 70 is to cherish the time we have with the ones we love, enjoy every day, and tell the people you love that you love them. Sounds like you and your parents are doing that…and faith is such a blessing at all times, but especially during these times. Blessings to you for a peaceful holiday !
What an example of true love and faithfulness that your parents have been. Prayers for all.
All of these comments are so beautiful and many express my thoughts and sentiments as well, so I won’t repeat them. I am also in tears reading this post. I’ve sure enjoyed knowing them over these years. I’ll never forget you and your daddy rebuilding your life through the remodeling of that sweet house, together! They are both very special! God bless you all with His strength and grace for all that lies ahead. You are all held in His hands, and loved by many of us! Take care, friend, and God bless you in this Christmas season. HUGS!
It’s so hard to see our parents go through this. I went through all of this as the primary caregiver with my parents too. I moved my mom in with us because my dad could not care for her any longer. She was with me the last year of her life. We finally got my dad to move into our guest house where he lived for 3 years with his dementia getting worse. This past April I had to place him into memory care because I could no longer care for him. We also called hospice even though his general health was good. He qualified for hospice because of his dementia. It was a relief having extra eyes and hands on him and I wished I had called them sooner. He passed away in September, 2 weeks after his 95th birthday.
My heart goes out to you at this time. We’ve been through this and loosing a mom is the hardest. I pray for her comfort and peace and for all of you as you go through this period of time.
I’m not sure I can say anything that hasn’t already been said. I get the feeling that your mom really thrived on being independent and doing for herself and her family, and her failing health must be such a frustration for her. I just can’t imagine how she must feel. I have so enjoyed following you over the years, and your parents, as so many have. We went through something similar with my mother-in-law before she passed, and it’s hard for the child to become the parent, especially if you live several hours away like we did. What a treasure all the photos you’ve taken are, and will be for your family. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Yes, in tears. Even though I have never met these dear souls, I look forward to visiting with them in heaven…they are just precious. Lifting the whole family up in prayer during these challenging days.
Dear Rhoda, thank you so much for sharing your journey with all of us. It is so helpful to hear from others that have traveled this path before us. My question is, what do you do if your mom refuses to go to an assisted living facility. She is 99years old and has said for 20 years “don’t ever try to put me in one of those places”. I am an only child so have no one to share the daily demands of all of her needs. And I feel guilty for the feelings I have of losing my own life. Has anyone dealt with this situation and can offer advice?
Judy, I’m so sorry but that seems to be a common issue. I would say that one person can hardly handle the needs of a parent on their own, so you might have to do some tough love and take care of yourself too. You are losing your life for hers and that’s not fair to you either. If she can afford to go, you should give it a try and see how she does.
Rhoda,
You’re a wonderful daughter. Your parents have been blessed to have you faithfully caring for them.
As I read your post I had tears remembering the decline of both my parents. My prayers go out to you and your family for strength during these difficult days.