Watching our parents age is one of the hardest things we have to do. I know you all who have been through this understand what we are going through now. Many of my friends went through it years ago and we are very blessed that our parents have made it this long. But with longevity comes challenges. When I did a family update a few weeks ago, I didn’t realize then how quickly things would change with my mom and dad. Of course, you hope that your parents can stay in their home for the long haul and not have to move and get help, but that’s not always realistic either.
With mom’s accelerated back issues, she is no longer able to stand and work in the kitchen, cooking and baking. This means that they have to have help coming in and we have had someone doing that a few times a week, with me going over a couple times a week. Take-out has been our friend for months and thank goodness for country cooking places! They saved the day for us.
We took dad’s keys in mid-July. That hasn’t gone well either as he discovered his keys were missing but his car and truck were still there. We 3 girls sat down with him on his birthday and told him all the reasons why he shouldn’t be driving anymore. He didn’t agree, of course. I took his car keys just to make sure he didn’t drive. He asked several times about his keys and I told him he wasn’t driving anymore and his answer was always “who decided that I can’t drive?”. We’ve gone over it numerous times, but with dementia comes irrational thinking and he simply can’t willingly give up his keys without a fight or verbal confrontation.
It got pretty bad over a month into the key taking scheme and we had some pretty rough days of anger and frustration. Mom has taken the brunt of it since she is there with him all the time, but I had several conversations with him on the phone and in person and eventually for the sake of peace for mom, I had to return the keys to the hooks they hung on for the last 50 years just so he could see them there. He went back and forth with saying he wasn’t planning on driving to telling me he can’t promise me that he won’t drive. I don’t think he will, but there’s something about those keys hanging there that gave him peace of mind. That sweet daddy of mine can seem like a different personality when this anger comes out. Needless to say, something has to give and mom can’t live like this either.
Mom is just exhausted physically and emotionally and I’ve so grieved that she has had to go through this. We love daddy and he’s a sweet man at heart, but as we all know dementia can drastically change the personality of a person and sometimes we don’t know what we will get. He’s obstinate and can be so irrational, but that’s the nature of dementia. He has a memory care doctor and is on medication, but we will certainly be looking into more treatment for him to cope better. It’s not easy y’all! I know many of you have probably gone through this too, so you know the drill. He says not so nice things to mom and then promptly forgets he ever said it, but she doesn’t forget. It’s been hard on her. He even told her once when she repeated back what he said to her, “But I don’t feel that way. Next time I say that, tell me…you don’t really feel that way.” I wish it was that easy, but it’s not!
Walking through this time has been heart breaking and eye openingly apparent that things can’t stay like this. We had talked about them staying in their home for at least another year if things were going OK, but Mom told me last week she was ready to move to an assisted living facility and wanted me to start the process of looking. Since the burden of the house and all business dealings have gone to mom the last 5 years or so, we have to think about her mental and physical health first and foremost. Daddy will be a challenge to move. He’s always said he would die in that house and had no plans to ever move. And he won’t willingly move, so we will have to do it for him and make the decisions for both of their health and well being. It’s not easy! I now feel like the parent and I finally get what that means.
Since my sister, Renee, moved in April to Louisiana, we had no idea things would deteriorate this fast, but that’s what has happened. I’m not upset that she moved, I’m happy for her actually that she is closer to Lauren and the girls and I look forward to visiting them often. This sandwich generation thing is not a piece of cake as we all know. We always knew that the two of us (and Lauren) would have to juggle their care in the future until the Lord takes them home.
With mom completely worn out, it’s time. Time to move them to a place they can be safe, well fed, and taken care of day to day. I want mom to be spoiled for once in her life. She deserves it so much. That woman has taken care of my dad for almost 68 years, as well as her entire family in the best way possible and it’s time for her to rest and just be. I’m more excited for her than anything else. She will be waited on in a beautiful environment and can relax and not worry about a thing. It’s definitely time for that to happen! She is an angel and has been the best mom and grandmother to all of us. I want her spoiled to the max! No more cooking and cleaning and no more worrying about taking care of a house all alone.
When I took her to see the facility last week, she told me that when she met daddy she knew he didn’t have much of anything and that he came from a poor family (he was one of 10 kids). She said she wanted to spoil him when they got married and give him things he had never had before. And she did just that, she spoiled him to the max with her cooking and day to day care of him. She still worries about him and how he’s doing.
Daddy is going to go kicking and screaming and we are not at all sure how we are going to manage this move for him. We are praying for wisdom and also for help from his doctors as we navigate this new life for them. They have lived in that house for 50 years and change is not going to come easy for him. Mom will adjust just fine. He will not at first, but I pray he will learn to find contentment and joy in his new surroundings.
His life now consists of getting up early, eating his raisin bran and bananas, drinking a cup of coffee, going out to the carport or driveway and watching the traffic go by (what there is to see on his non-busy street), gawking at the neighbors to see what they are doing, taking the trash can out to the curb once a week and getting the mail every day. All of that and watching a little TV. Mom said he doesn’t even read anymore, another loss from dementia I’m sure.
So with that picture painted, I’m hoping he will adjust and actually come to like his new home and all that it offers. I’ve been doing the legwork of finding a new place for them to go and we’ve narrowed it down to a sweet assisted living that is 5 minutes from our house in Acworth. I’m so excited that this place worked out so nicely and that they will be so close that I can pop in often. That will be nice for both of us. I won’t have to grocery shop for them anymore, all their meals will be provided for them. They will have a cleaning service and laundry service at the new place and will not have to worry about much of anything day to day. That will be a relief for mom and she’s the one who can relax the most and enjoy this new way of life with the burden lifted off her shoulders.
I’ll share more about the facility when we get them moved in, but I’ll mention the name in case anyone has input for us. We decided on Dogwood Forest in downtown Acworth. It’s such a pretty place (has a 4.4 star review) and when I toured it after I saw a total of 5 places, I felt like it was the one for them. It also has Memory Care for the future if and when daddy gets worse. We’ve already put down a deposit and are planning to get them moved by the end of September. Mom is more than ready and we have a lot of planning to do the next few weeks to get things in place and the move completed to create a cozy home environment for them in their new place. We will be praying on how to handle the situation with daddy. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, so we might have to go that route.
Last week, I took mom by there for a tour of the place and the one bedroom apartment that’s reserved for them and she liked it too which made me happy. She said your daddy will think this is too fancy and he probably will. He is not a fancy guy at all as you all can see from the pictures I post. She will enjoy it I know. The West Florida born boy will have to adjust to it.
We will get their one bedroom apartment set up with their things and make it as comfortable and homey as we can for them. Getting them settled in and comfortable will be priority for us and I hope that all goes well. We have so much to do!
That’s the latest update on mom and dad. We knew this day would come and that likely they would not be able to stay in their home forever. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t always happen. We are blessed that they have had such a long life, but the 90’s have kicked them into another layer of issues, especially with dad’s dementia. He still gets around pretty well, eats great and loves being outside. He just can’t logically think anymore and has no memory day to day on things. It’s so sad to see, but we know that this happens to so many people and we hope he is able to settle in and enjoy the new community he will be a part of. In many ways, I think he might enjoy the socialization part of assisted living, time will tell. I think it will be great for mom, as she is often lonely at home with just her and daddy. They don’t have those detailed conversations anymore that couples have, dementia has taken that too.
Thank you all for loving on my parents all these years. I’m coming up on 15 years of blogging and I’ve shared them almost from the beginning of my journey. You all have embraced them, loved on them and cheered them on all the way. We know this is the best thing for them and it’s time for this move and big life changes. Your prayers would be appreciated as we navigate this journey with them, helping them to get settled in and acclimated to their new home. I’m so grateful that they have the means to do this and will be able to live out the rest of their lives taken care of in a loving safe environment with me just 5 minutes away. What peace of mind that will be for me! Renee and Lauren will continue to come and visit often and we will celebrate as we always do as a family with holidays and special occasions. God has been good to us! We will see what the future holds for both of them, but I pray they don’t suffer at all in their last days.
When I think back on these parents of mine, I’m forever grateful that they have paved the way and shown me clearly who God is to them and who He has ultimately become to me. That’s the most important thing my parents passed on to me, faith in an ever loving omnipresent God of the universe who intimately cares about each and every one of us and our daily needs. He has always taken care of them and also me and for that I’m so thankful. He has never let me down and I’m so grateful for their Godly influence in my life. When we get to the end of life, it matters not how much money we have in the bank, or what kind of house we live in. Those things mean nothing in the end. It’s knowing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ that matters. My parents have lived that out better than anyone I know and he has blessed them for it.
From my daddy standing up each Sunday for 28 years here in Georgia, preaching God’s Word to a small congregation of people, to my mama teaching children’s church and sharing those awe inspiring stories from the Bible that came alive on a meager flannel board with cutouts, my faith began and it has strengthened and sustained me throughout the years. So much of that is the influence of my Godly parents. They gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive, parents who love the Lord and each other. I pray He keeps them safe and takes care of them until He decides when it’s time to take them home. I pray it is quickly and without suffering. They have lived a long and Godly life with so many blessings along the way.
Mark is also going through similar things with his mom, since she broke her hip. She’s going to sell her house too and we don’t yet know what she is going to do next. She still has lots of physical therapy and healing to do and then will figure out next steps.
If you watch my lunch with the parents on Instagram, I guess I’ll be doing those videos from the new assisted living facility soon. I’ll still take you all along for the ride! Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it means the world to us as a family!
Beth Craig says
Praying for you and your Mom and Dad as you make this transition! Praying for peace, especially for your Dad.
Sarah says
We just went through this with my in-laws. Dimensia is hard on the WHOLE family. You all are doing very well with this so far (even if it doesn’t feel like it!). Your family is so blessed to have one another. Praying for peace and comfort for your family as you navigate this new chapter.
KC says
It’s hard but you all did the right thing. My 89 year old dad has Lewy Body Dementia and it’s a mean and ugly disease. Taking the car keys away was tough– so tough. We had to move him into memory care this week because Mom just couldn’t do it anymore. She tried-my sister made the call so she didn’t have to. This type of dementia has hallucinations and he is sometimes back in Korea fighting the war. We have found a wonderful place that can handle his moods and physicality and Mom can get some rest and regroup. The first thing she did was read a book cover to cover– things we take for granted are tough when you are the caregiver.
Nicole says
Reading this I feel like GOD wanted me to read what you are going thru. I have a father that has to have full care. Which is my mom since he wants nobody else. And my mom is just as stubborn about moving from their 100 acre home that is going down hill since they refuse any help. It’s awful. I get so mad at my parents. And then I get so upset that my mom is running herself into the ground and my children are getting cheated of time with both of them. I hate this period in life! Prayers to you and your parents. You are an amazing daughter.
Linda Hickey says
I know how hard it is to put your parents in a home. Been there with ours. It’s hard see your parents get older and you have to take care of them. Praying for you and Renee, to have a easy transition with this new journey, with your parents. May God bless you both.
Teresa says
Rhoda,
Praying for a smooth transition in your parents move. It seems your Mom is more than ready to go but yes its from what you have said your Dad is going to be a handful. Hopefully, he will come around. My husbands late grandmother lived in her home until 92 by herself. She had several bad falls at home and the medical alert necklace actually saved her live. After the last fall, we took her to the assisted living in her small town and they told her she could have a weeks trial to see how she like it. She never asked to go back home! She knew almost everyone there and liked having socialization after being alone in her house for so many years. Dementia can really alter even the sweetest persons actions and personality and I know this is really hard on your Mom. I went over to the the link for the assisted living and it really looks like a lovely place.
SoCalLynn says
This is so beautifully said. It is such a hard season. I’ve been through this with my in-laws and it was SO hard. I just returned from spending 3 weeks with my mom, helping her with some medical issues, and we had to have some difficult talks about the very near future. Thankfully I’ll be moving closer to her in the next few months so I can help her more often.
BJ Collier says
Watching someone suffer that you love so dearly is the most difficult thing in the world. I, too, had the most wonderful parents and although their situation was not the exact same as your parents, there are many similarities. You are doing the right things. Take care.
Ruthie says
God bless all of you, Rhoda. My heart goes out to you. My parents had memory issues – it’s a tough road as you wrote. One day at a time and turn it over to Jesus and you’ll get through it. Sending you a big ol’ hug from one of your biggest fans. xo
Jane says
I understand what you’re going through, Rhoda (and Renee). You are fortunate that there is a nice assisted living facility near to you. There are so many positives with assisted living compared to a full-on nursing home situation; preservation of privacy, autonomy, and dignity for the beloved elderly ones, and peace of mind for the family. I know that God will guide your family through this transition, because you seek that guidance. Your worries will be greatly reduced once you know that your parents have 24/7 help.
Sandra Mosolgo says
You and your sister have truly honored your parents and are a testimony to Gods grace. Both of my parents had forms of dementia so I know it is a hard road to travel but our heavenly Fatherbwill provide all you need.
Lorraine says
Rhoda,
I know from personal experience how hard this time in your life is right now. I would tell your dad they need to move for your mom’s health issues. Maybe that would allow him to feel better about it. My father had Parkinson’s and dementia. He died before they could move but my mom was able to live in independent living facility and made new friends. My mother in law has early Alzheimer’s I think the socialization is so important for the elderly. We moved my in-laws this summer. My mother in law is really happy with their new living situation. My father in law has gotten his keys back and already popped a tire on a curb. The sons don’t seem to be as proactive as daughters are. They only have sons. Living close by is good for you has you don’t have to stay for long visits which can be stressful. I wish my mom had moved closer to me when she moved. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.
Jeanie Nichols says
I am a little behind on reading my blogs and emails, and i just saw this post. My husband and I have both been in this situation with our parents. It is a very difficult situation, but remind yourself that you are doing this for their safety. I pray your mother can enjoy this season of her life and that your father will adjust to his new surroundings. God’s Blessings on you all!
Keenna M says
Reading this post brought tears to my eyes. Not only for you and your family, but a friend who has been going through a very similar situation and myself, as I deal with aging parents. This is a tough season for those of us in our age range and prayer is what will get us through. Prayers for you and your parents as you make this transition. Take care!
Rebecca says
Rhoda,
I went through the same with my mom after my dad passed in 2016. I pray you and your sister will stay on the same page. My 2 older sisters did not agree with mom moving. It wasn’t until she fell and lay on the cold bathroom floor for 9.5 hours that I insisted since the other sisters would never stay with her. Sadly, mom passed in 2020 and I do not have a relationship with my sisters now. The Will named me PR and that has also caused major issues with my sisters. I did not ask to be PR but they are quite resentful. I pray you and your sister will agree on care for your parents and also maybe things can be worked out estate wise. It would have saved my relationship with my sisters had mom done more things beforehand. May God bless your family during this time. I have loved your blog for years and especially love reading about your parents. Take care of yourself.
Rhoda says
Hi Rebecca, that’s so sad for you! I’m so sorry you and your sisters don’t agree and now aren’t speaking. I don’t think that will ever happen for us. My sister and I as well as my niece are all on the same page.
Carol Heartfelt Whimsies says
Rhoda—I read this post with tears in my eyes as I can only imagine how hard this phase is. I know it is coming soon for me too as my parents are aging. I pray your Daddy takes it better than expected. You will all be in my thoughts. At church today, our pastor spoke of telling just one person this week about our relationship with Jesus. You do that so eloquently here. Your parents did a fine job in raising a Godly daughter.
Kathryn Morgan says
Rhoda, check out Caring Transitions to help you with your move. They are geared toward moving senior citizens. They just moved us to an Independent Living duplex in Mobile, AL. Packed up, moved and unpacked, set up everything in two days. It is so worth the money. We both have back issues and other medical problems. They have several in the Atlanta area. We, of course, decluttering, donated, etc beforehand. 53 years of living. I could go on and on about how wonderful they were. Call them & find out all about their services!
Best of luck. My sons are so happy we are in a safer place with amenities that help us and we still can come & go!!
Rhoda says
Thank you, Kathryn, I do have a mover recommended by the AL facility, so I’m going to call them. We don’t need all that help, so will have them move the furniture and stuff and my sis and I will handle the setting up. Glad you are in a good place too!
Janelle says
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I pray that your parents settle in and adjust to their new situation. I too have aging parents although they are still in good health, thank God but they are getting older and it IS hard to see but this is the way of life. May God give all of us wisdom and peace as we care for our aging parents.
Gray Michaels says
My husband and I are walking the same path. It is hard! You always think you are planning well enough ahead but there is never enough time. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. This is a great journey for you to share. The info and reminders of the necessity is important.
Chris Breidenbach says
I read your post with such connection to your feelings. I am placing my father in assisted living next week. It was like your story was there for me to understand that this is a journey many are on and though it is not an easy decision, it is a necessary one. My father is 91 years old. He is, I know, so lucky to have had so many independent years, but I am so saddened to see his decline over the past year. His physical strength is making him unsafe, and everything for him is more of an effort. I pray that he and your parents have an easy transition and enjoy days that are without difficulty. I hope they find it to be an adventure and their ease of living brings them joy. Thank you for sharing your story. I found it just as I needed to.