Watching our parents age is one of the hardest things we have to do. I know you all who have been through this understand what we are going through now. Many of my friends went through it years ago and we are very blessed that our parents have made it this long. But with longevity comes challenges. When I did a family update a few weeks ago, I didn’t realize then how quickly things would change with my mom and dad. Of course, you hope that your parents can stay in their home for the long haul and not have to move and get help, but that’s not always realistic either.
With mom’s accelerated back issues, she is no longer able to stand and work in the kitchen, cooking and baking. This means that they have to have help coming in and we have had someone doing that a few times a week, with me going over a couple times a week. Take-out has been our friend for months and thank goodness for country cooking places! They saved the day for us.
We took dad’s keys in mid-July. That hasn’t gone well either as he discovered his keys were missing but his car and truck were still there. We 3 girls sat down with him on his birthday and told him all the reasons why he shouldn’t be driving anymore. He didn’t agree, of course. I took his car keys just to make sure he didn’t drive. He asked several times about his keys and I told him he wasn’t driving anymore and his answer was always “who decided that I can’t drive?”. We’ve gone over it numerous times, but with dementia comes irrational thinking and he simply can’t willingly give up his keys without a fight or verbal confrontation.
It got pretty bad over a month into the key taking scheme and we had some pretty rough days of anger and frustration. Mom has taken the brunt of it since she is there with him all the time, but I had several conversations with him on the phone and in person and eventually for the sake of peace for mom, I had to return the keys to the hooks they hung on for the last 50 years just so he could see them there. He went back and forth with saying he wasn’t planning on driving to telling me he can’t promise me that he won’t drive. I don’t think he will, but there’s something about those keys hanging there that gave him peace of mind. That sweet daddy of mine can seem like a different personality when this anger comes out. Needless to say, something has to give and mom can’t live like this either.
Mom is just exhausted physically and emotionally and I’ve so grieved that she has had to go through this. We love daddy and he’s a sweet man at heart, but as we all know dementia can drastically change the personality of a person and sometimes we don’t know what we will get. He’s obstinate and can be so irrational, but that’s the nature of dementia. He has a memory care doctor and is on medication, but we will certainly be looking into more treatment for him to cope better. It’s not easy y’all! I know many of you have probably gone through this too, so you know the drill. He says not so nice things to mom and then promptly forgets he ever said it, but she doesn’t forget. It’s been hard on her. He even told her once when she repeated back what he said to her, “But I don’t feel that way. Next time I say that, tell me…you don’t really feel that way.” I wish it was that easy, but it’s not!
Walking through this time has been heart breaking and eye openingly apparent that things can’t stay like this. We had talked about them staying in their home for at least another year if things were going OK, but Mom told me last week she was ready to move to an assisted living facility and wanted me to start the process of looking. Since the burden of the house and all business dealings have gone to mom the last 5 years or so, we have to think about her mental and physical health first and foremost. Daddy will be a challenge to move. He’s always said he would die in that house and had no plans to ever move. And he won’t willingly move, so we will have to do it for him and make the decisions for both of their health and well being. It’s not easy! I now feel like the parent and I finally get what that means.
Since my sister, Renee, moved in April to Louisiana, we had no idea things would deteriorate this fast, but that’s what has happened. I’m not upset that she moved, I’m happy for her actually that she is closer to Lauren and the girls and I look forward to visiting them often. This sandwich generation thing is not a piece of cake as we all know. We always knew that the two of us (and Lauren) would have to juggle their care in the future until the Lord takes them home.
With mom completely worn out, it’s time. Time to move them to a place they can be safe, well fed, and taken care of day to day. I want mom to be spoiled for once in her life. She deserves it so much. That woman has taken care of my dad for almost 68 years, as well as her entire family in the best way possible and it’s time for her to rest and just be. I’m more excited for her than anything else. She will be waited on in a beautiful environment and can relax and not worry about a thing. It’s definitely time for that to happen! She is an angel and has been the best mom and grandmother to all of us. I want her spoiled to the max! No more cooking and cleaning and no more worrying about taking care of a house all alone.
When I took her to see the facility last week, she told me that when she met daddy she knew he didn’t have much of anything and that he came from a poor family (he was one of 10 kids). She said she wanted to spoil him when they got married and give him things he had never had before. And she did just that, she spoiled him to the max with her cooking and day to day care of him. She still worries about him and how he’s doing.
Daddy is going to go kicking and screaming and we are not at all sure how we are going to manage this move for him. We are praying for wisdom and also for help from his doctors as we navigate this new life for them. They have lived in that house for 50 years and change is not going to come easy for him. Mom will adjust just fine. He will not at first, but I pray he will learn to find contentment and joy in his new surroundings.
His life now consists of getting up early, eating his raisin bran and bananas, drinking a cup of coffee, going out to the carport or driveway and watching the traffic go by (what there is to see on his non-busy street), gawking at the neighbors to see what they are doing, taking the trash can out to the curb once a week and getting the mail every day. All of that and watching a little TV. Mom said he doesn’t even read anymore, another loss from dementia I’m sure.
So with that picture painted, I’m hoping he will adjust and actually come to like his new home and all that it offers. I’ve been doing the legwork of finding a new place for them to go and we’ve narrowed it down to a sweet assisted living that is 5 minutes from our house in Acworth. I’m so excited that this place worked out so nicely and that they will be so close that I can pop in often. That will be nice for both of us. I won’t have to grocery shop for them anymore, all their meals will be provided for them. They will have a cleaning service and laundry service at the new place and will not have to worry about much of anything day to day. That will be a relief for mom and she’s the one who can relax the most and enjoy this new way of life with the burden lifted off her shoulders.
I’ll share more about the facility when we get them moved in, but I’ll mention the name in case anyone has input for us. We decided on Dogwood Forest in downtown Acworth. It’s such a pretty place (has a 4.4 star review) and when I toured it after I saw a total of 5 places, I felt like it was the one for them. It also has Memory Care for the future if and when daddy gets worse. We’ve already put down a deposit and are planning to get them moved by the end of September. Mom is more than ready and we have a lot of planning to do the next few weeks to get things in place and the move completed to create a cozy home environment for them in their new place. We will be praying on how to handle the situation with daddy. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, so we might have to go that route.
Last week, I took mom by there for a tour of the place and the one bedroom apartment that’s reserved for them and she liked it too which made me happy. She said your daddy will think this is too fancy and he probably will. He is not a fancy guy at all as you all can see from the pictures I post. She will enjoy it I know. The West Florida born boy will have to adjust to it.
We will get their one bedroom apartment set up with their things and make it as comfortable and homey as we can for them. Getting them settled in and comfortable will be priority for us and I hope that all goes well. We have so much to do!
That’s the latest update on mom and dad. We knew this day would come and that likely they would not be able to stay in their home forever. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t always happen. We are blessed that they have had such a long life, but the 90’s have kicked them into another layer of issues, especially with dad’s dementia. He still gets around pretty well, eats great and loves being outside. He just can’t logically think anymore and has no memory day to day on things. It’s so sad to see, but we know that this happens to so many people and we hope he is able to settle in and enjoy the new community he will be a part of. In many ways, I think he might enjoy the socialization part of assisted living, time will tell. I think it will be great for mom, as she is often lonely at home with just her and daddy. They don’t have those detailed conversations anymore that couples have, dementia has taken that too.
Thank you all for loving on my parents all these years. I’m coming up on 15 years of blogging and I’ve shared them almost from the beginning of my journey. You all have embraced them, loved on them and cheered them on all the way. We know this is the best thing for them and it’s time for this move and big life changes. Your prayers would be appreciated as we navigate this journey with them, helping them to get settled in and acclimated to their new home. I’m so grateful that they have the means to do this and will be able to live out the rest of their lives taken care of in a loving safe environment with me just 5 minutes away. What peace of mind that will be for me! Renee and Lauren will continue to come and visit often and we will celebrate as we always do as a family with holidays and special occasions. God has been good to us! We will see what the future holds for both of them, but I pray they don’t suffer at all in their last days.
When I think back on these parents of mine, I’m forever grateful that they have paved the way and shown me clearly who God is to them and who He has ultimately become to me. That’s the most important thing my parents passed on to me, faith in an ever loving omnipresent God of the universe who intimately cares about each and every one of us and our daily needs. He has always taken care of them and also me and for that I’m so thankful. He has never let me down and I’m so grateful for their Godly influence in my life. When we get to the end of life, it matters not how much money we have in the bank, or what kind of house we live in. Those things mean nothing in the end. It’s knowing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ that matters. My parents have lived that out better than anyone I know and he has blessed them for it.
From my daddy standing up each Sunday for 28 years here in Georgia, preaching God’s Word to a small congregation of people, to my mama teaching children’s church and sharing those awe inspiring stories from the Bible that came alive on a meager flannel board with cutouts, my faith began and it has strengthened and sustained me throughout the years. So much of that is the influence of my Godly parents. They gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive, parents who love the Lord and each other. I pray He keeps them safe and takes care of them until He decides when it’s time to take them home. I pray it is quickly and without suffering. They have lived a long and Godly life with so many blessings along the way.
Mark is also going through similar things with his mom, since she broke her hip. She’s going to sell her house too and we don’t yet know what she is going to do next. She still has lots of physical therapy and healing to do and then will figure out next steps.
If you watch my lunch with the parents on Instagram, I guess I’ll be doing those videos from the new assisted living facility soon. I’ll still take you all along for the ride! Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it means the world to us as a family!
Patti says
Friend, I commented on Instagram but after reading your thoughts in full it fell on me to lovingly hold you in words once more.
I have no doubt ABBA is paving the way ahead of everything to make this a smoother transition than can be imagined. The connection your mom showed you have by her honesty speaks volumes. You have hundreds of prayer warriors covering each of you with great love. Hold strong, you are not alone.
Kelly says
Praying for your strength and blessings on your sweet parents. 💕
Tracey Payne Henry says
Praying for you and your family. Looking at the pictures of your dad’s garden each year inspired me to start one of my own. Of course it never looked as good as his, but it sure has been fun trying. It seems just yesterday when we were sending birthday cards to your dad. Thank you for sharing your family with us.
Rhoda says
Tracey, that’s so sweet! He would love knowing that he’s inspired many with his love of gardening.
Carol M says
Would just like to say I am with you on your journey. My own beautiful Mama passed in March of 2020 with dementia. It is a rough road, that disease. But, For God, who knows ALL things is there walking with each of you providing wisdom and guidance. Bless you all as you move into this new chapter and phase in your lives. You are a super wonderful daughter and God will reward you. Looking forward to hearing about your parents new place too! Remember, you are all loved and many many prayers are going up for you, your parents and family. Much love to you, Carol in California!! 💖🙏🏼☝
Peg Brittain says
As I have posted in your DM, this may be the hardest time for you. Especially since your sister has moved away to be with her family. I had to do that for medical reasons and I know how difficult thisbis for her too. I went to FL when I could but the day to day was on my sister and her husband. One thing my mom said dad looke forward to every day were the funny cards I sent him. She said he carried the newest one around and read it to every person in the memory floor. Maybe that is something your sister, Lauren and the girls can do. My dad was a voracious reader all his life and it broke my heart that those cards were the highlight of his day. You will get through this with love and prayers. We, your fans, will be praying for you mom and dad and you as you travel this uncharted valley.
🙏🏻❤️💔❤️🙏🏻
Rhoda says
HI, Peg, that’s a great idea to send him lots of cards. We will have to remember that.
Bonnie says
I am so sorry that your parents are going to assisted living but it is a really good place to be at their age. They will make friends and eat do-nuts , laugh and have fun with people their age. My Mom was lonesome after my Dad died and the nursing home was actually good for her. I tended to hang back after we moved my Mom to nursing home here as I wanted her to make friends so if I couldn’t be there every second she wouldn’t be alone. It worked! She learned everyone quickly and was at the dining table with her group. I also made sure I got her out at least 2 or 3 times a week to go somewhere when she got here. Enjoy your parents! I miss my Mom terribly since she is gone but I was blessed to have her for 94 almost 95 years. I will be praying for you all during this adjustment period. Hope everything goes well!
Beverly Watt says
I’m so sorry about your mom and dad, Rhoda. I can relate to some of what you are going through. My prayers will be with your mom, and especially your dad that the transition will go smoothly. Also praying for you, Renee and Lauren. I know this is not easy to do. Love to you all. 💞
Kelley Kolpitcke says
I am thinking of you and praying for your entire family. I believe that through your blog and Instagram, you have continued, in your own way, to spread the teachings of a Jesus Christ. I am positive that you have reached people through the lives of your parents and you the stories you have shared. It was real, authentic, and relatable. God has a long game in mind for all of us. Sometimes we don’t see it when it’s right in front of us. But you are helping other families through this experience, and they are helping you. So keep on. We all support you. Sending love and prayers.
Kelley (from Boise…but now in Wisconsin!🍀💚)
Barbara Chapman says
Rhoda, I’m glad that you’ve found a nice place for them! Your mom will adjust well but your dad will probably find it hard. Nothing will be familiar to him. It might help if he could have a space to garden since he enjoys growing tomatoes and veggies. This may be something the facility may already have.
It’s tough watching our parents get old. I really never had that since mine left from cancers. I do enjoy seeing your parents each week! Thank you. 😊💕 Blessings to you all as you all make this transition… Love and hugs, Barb 😊
Sue says
Rhoda, this has been something you have been expecting, but prayed it wouldn’t come. I still carry guilt from my mom and father in law having to be in nursing home. It was for their safety but it don’t make it any easier. I remember your parents being at your fixer-upper house working like little beavers trying to help you. They’ve the parents everyone wished they had.
Martha says
This is a hard transition. My mother was 78 when we realized she had dementia and could not live on her own. Daddy had passed away 4 years earlier and even though I was the child that lived 3 hours away, I was the one that realized this first. I am the oldest of 3 and as a child, I always told my mother she was going to live with me, it became our private little joke. My 3 children were in their 20’s, the youngest finishing up college and we seemed the most logical place for her to go. We sold mom’s home, the one my parents built in 1950 in the suburbs of Washington DC. Moving 50 years of possessions was so hard, Mom didn’t want to get rid of anything. Somehow we made it through that summer, sold the house to the first couple that viewed it and moved mom to my home in NC. That was Aug 2001. 9/11 was a month later, I was so thankful she was with me, she would have been devastated if home alone. She lived with us for 9 years, it was hard, it was dear, it was humbling. I often wondered why this amazing, brilliant woman had to endure this time of her life. I realized when she died that letting her go would have been so much harder earlier and I was thankful she was in heaven with Daddy. I am so thankful you have found a place close to you and that your mother is happy with it. I will be praying that your father will be too.
Becky in 'Bama says
Reading this installment on your blog is so familiar to many of us (your readers) but for you it is real and fresh on your mind. I know you take comfort in the lives and love your parents gave to you and your sister. Such fine examples of the long-suffering love of God. I have enjoyed seeing your daddy’s skills with carpentry and gardening – and your mother’s embodiment of the Proverbs 31 wife and mother. It would be great for all of us parental caregivers if we didn’t have to go through this, but be sure that there are readers who will learn from your life experience. Thanks for all your words and encouragement. Love from the ‘Ham.
Carole kozak says
Rhoda , of all the thousands of blog entries I know this had to be one of the most difficult. It wasn’t that long ago that my husband and I met your parents at your open house. The house he helped you rebuild We were amazed at what energy they had. Such kind and gracious and humble folks they were as they greeted people who had come to see the fruits of y’all’s labor. You would not have to tell anyone what they instilled in you , because when we met you we knew what they had given you in life. Your brand of faith oozed from you. You were radiant yet humble and so nice to everyone who came that day. I wondered if you would be as nice in person as you seemed on your blog. Well when we met you we were not disappointed. The drive had been worth it. You sometimes never know what a person will be like until you meet them. On the ride home I thought about everything we experienced there and I was so pleased we had decided to go. Your faith is so evident in every entry each day .and while things are such a mess right now, it’s a breath of fresh air to read something positive for a change. I am going to pray for that move and believe God for a smooth transition. The Bible says to claim those things that are not as though they be What a promise to cling to. I have admired you for so long and I have read about heartbreak devastation you name it. In every instance you have demonstrated strong secure faith. Never wavering and you will get through this I just know. The only difference now is that you have a loving husband to walk through it with you this time. I know you will do well. Take care Rhoda
Rhoda says
Carole, you are such a sweetheart and every time you mention coming to my open house that time, it still blows me away that you and your hubby drove all that way to see me and be a part of my open house. Thank you so much for always being a big supporter and encourager to me. You have no idea how special it is to me to know that you and many others like you who have been following along for so long are out there cheering me on and my parents too. So many of you have fallen in love with my parents and they truly made me who I am. Thank you, Carole!
Denise says
Rhoda thank you for sharing about this. I went thru dementia with my mom and so I know how hard it is to experience the changes in their personality. But I love that you are trusting in God to see you through and He will. I wish I could share all of the small and not so small details that He worked out that made such a difference for me and my dad. My mom wasn’t aware because of her condition but it was just the kinds of things she taught me that God could do if we let Him. God bless you! There’s more to this blogging thing than just looking at pretty houses huh??💕
Sandy says
keeping all of you in prayer tonight and going forward; I know this is a difficult time, my husband and I will face this soon with our mothers – but as you said, the gift they gave us was their relationship with the Lord; I have loved reading about your parents over the years; they are lucky to have you as well. Hang in there and take a day at a time; you have a lot of folks in your corner 🙂
Toni says
Yes many of us have walked a similar hard journey. What a rich and beautiful love and legacy your parents have passed on to you and your sister. That faith is what will guide you in wisdom and patience as you help your dear parents transition to their new living place. I join you in praying it goes smoothly and for your Daddy’s acceptance of the change. God bless you all.
Cemre says
My dad same too. I can drive I’m not disabled you can’t do this to me… They don’t understand what we are doing. We just to do best for them. We need them…
Nancy Anderson says
I feel for you! It’s such a difficult decision. My best friend from high school just did the same with her mother and I went through this with my mother in law (she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s). We had to take my mother in law’s keys away from her too and it was so difficult. When we moved her to her assisted living facility we said it was because her home was having some renovations done due to storm damage. That seemed to help. I wish you and your parents well (Mark’s too). The love within your family is so apparent. May God bless you all as you navigate these tricky waters.
Cindy says
My family went through this with my mother. We had to move her to a facility just before my dad died in hospice. She couldn’t understand why he didn’t get up, why he was hooked up to oxygen or why we had 24 hr nursing care at home for him. He knew he could no longer care for her and that it was time and died a week later. Mama didn’t cope well for the first year, walking constantly and showing her anger. Changing her medications helped but she soon lost even the ability to recognize her family members but lived for several more years, content, peaceful and spoiled. All the best to you and your family.
Luisa says
What a beautiful tribute to your parents. They know how much you love them. I am an only child and in a similar situation. It is hard to keep an eye on eternity when this is our daily existence.