Watching our parents age is one of the hardest things we have to do. I know you all who have been through this understand what we are going through now. Many of my friends went through it years ago and we are very blessed that our parents have made it this long. But with longevity comes challenges. When I did a family update a few weeks ago, I didn’t realize then how quickly things would change with my mom and dad. Of course, you hope that your parents can stay in their home for the long haul and not have to move and get help, but that’s not always realistic either.
With mom’s accelerated back issues, she is no longer able to stand and work in the kitchen, cooking and baking. This means that they have to have help coming in and we have had someone doing that a few times a week, with me going over a couple times a week. Take-out has been our friend for months and thank goodness for country cooking places! They saved the day for us.
We took dad’s keys in mid-July. That hasn’t gone well either as he discovered his keys were missing but his car and truck were still there. We 3 girls sat down with him on his birthday and told him all the reasons why he shouldn’t be driving anymore. He didn’t agree, of course. I took his car keys just to make sure he didn’t drive. He asked several times about his keys and I told him he wasn’t driving anymore and his answer was always “who decided that I can’t drive?”. We’ve gone over it numerous times, but with dementia comes irrational thinking and he simply can’t willingly give up his keys without a fight or verbal confrontation.
It got pretty bad over a month into the key taking scheme and we had some pretty rough days of anger and frustration. Mom has taken the brunt of it since she is there with him all the time, but I had several conversations with him on the phone and in person and eventually for the sake of peace for mom, I had to return the keys to the hooks they hung on for the last 50 years just so he could see them there. He went back and forth with saying he wasn’t planning on driving to telling me he can’t promise me that he won’t drive. I don’t think he will, but there’s something about those keys hanging there that gave him peace of mind. That sweet daddy of mine can seem like a different personality when this anger comes out. Needless to say, something has to give and mom can’t live like this either.
Mom is just exhausted physically and emotionally and I’ve so grieved that she has had to go through this. We love daddy and he’s a sweet man at heart, but as we all know dementia can drastically change the personality of a person and sometimes we don’t know what we will get. He’s obstinate and can be so irrational, but that’s the nature of dementia. He has a memory care doctor and is on medication, but we will certainly be looking into more treatment for him to cope better. It’s not easy y’all! I know many of you have probably gone through this too, so you know the drill. He says not so nice things to mom and then promptly forgets he ever said it, but she doesn’t forget. It’s been hard on her. He even told her once when she repeated back what he said to her, “But I don’t feel that way. Next time I say that, tell me…you don’t really feel that way.” I wish it was that easy, but it’s not!
Walking through this time has been heart breaking and eye openingly apparent that things can’t stay like this. We had talked about them staying in their home for at least another year if things were going OK, but Mom told me last week she was ready to move to an assisted living facility and wanted me to start the process of looking. Since the burden of the house and all business dealings have gone to mom the last 5 years or so, we have to think about her mental and physical health first and foremost. Daddy will be a challenge to move. He’s always said he would die in that house and had no plans to ever move. And he won’t willingly move, so we will have to do it for him and make the decisions for both of their health and well being. It’s not easy! I now feel like the parent and I finally get what that means.
Since my sister, Renee, moved in April to Louisiana, we had no idea things would deteriorate this fast, but that’s what has happened. I’m not upset that she moved, I’m happy for her actually that she is closer to Lauren and the girls and I look forward to visiting them often. This sandwich generation thing is not a piece of cake as we all know. We always knew that the two of us (and Lauren) would have to juggle their care in the future until the Lord takes them home.
With mom completely worn out, it’s time. Time to move them to a place they can be safe, well fed, and taken care of day to day. I want mom to be spoiled for once in her life. She deserves it so much. That woman has taken care of my dad for almost 68 years, as well as her entire family in the best way possible and it’s time for her to rest and just be. I’m more excited for her than anything else. She will be waited on in a beautiful environment and can relax and not worry about a thing. It’s definitely time for that to happen! She is an angel and has been the best mom and grandmother to all of us. I want her spoiled to the max! No more cooking and cleaning and no more worrying about taking care of a house all alone.
When I took her to see the facility last week, she told me that when she met daddy she knew he didn’t have much of anything and that he came from a poor family (he was one of 10 kids). She said she wanted to spoil him when they got married and give him things he had never had before. And she did just that, she spoiled him to the max with her cooking and day to day care of him. She still worries about him and how he’s doing.
Daddy is going to go kicking and screaming and we are not at all sure how we are going to manage this move for him. We are praying for wisdom and also for help from his doctors as we navigate this new life for them. They have lived in that house for 50 years and change is not going to come easy for him. Mom will adjust just fine. He will not at first, but I pray he will learn to find contentment and joy in his new surroundings.
His life now consists of getting up early, eating his raisin bran and bananas, drinking a cup of coffee, going out to the carport or driveway and watching the traffic go by (what there is to see on his non-busy street), gawking at the neighbors to see what they are doing, taking the trash can out to the curb once a week and getting the mail every day. All of that and watching a little TV. Mom said he doesn’t even read anymore, another loss from dementia I’m sure.
So with that picture painted, I’m hoping he will adjust and actually come to like his new home and all that it offers. I’ve been doing the legwork of finding a new place for them to go and we’ve narrowed it down to a sweet assisted living that is 5 minutes from our house in Acworth. I’m so excited that this place worked out so nicely and that they will be so close that I can pop in often. That will be nice for both of us. I won’t have to grocery shop for them anymore, all their meals will be provided for them. They will have a cleaning service and laundry service at the new place and will not have to worry about much of anything day to day. That will be a relief for mom and she’s the one who can relax the most and enjoy this new way of life with the burden lifted off her shoulders.
I’ll share more about the facility when we get them moved in, but I’ll mention the name in case anyone has input for us. We decided on Dogwood Forest in downtown Acworth. It’s such a pretty place (has a 4.4 star review) and when I toured it after I saw a total of 5 places, I felt like it was the one for them. It also has Memory Care for the future if and when daddy gets worse. We’ve already put down a deposit and are planning to get them moved by the end of September. Mom is more than ready and we have a lot of planning to do the next few weeks to get things in place and the move completed to create a cozy home environment for them in their new place. We will be praying on how to handle the situation with daddy. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, so we might have to go that route.
Last week, I took mom by there for a tour of the place and the one bedroom apartment that’s reserved for them and she liked it too which made me happy. She said your daddy will think this is too fancy and he probably will. He is not a fancy guy at all as you all can see from the pictures I post. She will enjoy it I know. The West Florida born boy will have to adjust to it.
We will get their one bedroom apartment set up with their things and make it as comfortable and homey as we can for them. Getting them settled in and comfortable will be priority for us and I hope that all goes well. We have so much to do!
That’s the latest update on mom and dad. We knew this day would come and that likely they would not be able to stay in their home forever. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t always happen. We are blessed that they have had such a long life, but the 90’s have kicked them into another layer of issues, especially with dad’s dementia. He still gets around pretty well, eats great and loves being outside. He just can’t logically think anymore and has no memory day to day on things. It’s so sad to see, but we know that this happens to so many people and we hope he is able to settle in and enjoy the new community he will be a part of. In many ways, I think he might enjoy the socialization part of assisted living, time will tell. I think it will be great for mom, as she is often lonely at home with just her and daddy. They don’t have those detailed conversations anymore that couples have, dementia has taken that too.
Thank you all for loving on my parents all these years. I’m coming up on 15 years of blogging and I’ve shared them almost from the beginning of my journey. You all have embraced them, loved on them and cheered them on all the way. We know this is the best thing for them and it’s time for this move and big life changes. Your prayers would be appreciated as we navigate this journey with them, helping them to get settled in and acclimated to their new home. I’m so grateful that they have the means to do this and will be able to live out the rest of their lives taken care of in a loving safe environment with me just 5 minutes away. What peace of mind that will be for me! Renee and Lauren will continue to come and visit often and we will celebrate as we always do as a family with holidays and special occasions. God has been good to us! We will see what the future holds for both of them, but I pray they don’t suffer at all in their last days.
When I think back on these parents of mine, I’m forever grateful that they have paved the way and shown me clearly who God is to them and who He has ultimately become to me. That’s the most important thing my parents passed on to me, faith in an ever loving omnipresent God of the universe who intimately cares about each and every one of us and our daily needs. He has always taken care of them and also me and for that I’m so thankful. He has never let me down and I’m so grateful for their Godly influence in my life. When we get to the end of life, it matters not how much money we have in the bank, or what kind of house we live in. Those things mean nothing in the end. It’s knowing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ that matters. My parents have lived that out better than anyone I know and he has blessed them for it.
From my daddy standing up each Sunday for 28 years here in Georgia, preaching God’s Word to a small congregation of people, to my mama teaching children’s church and sharing those awe inspiring stories from the Bible that came alive on a meager flannel board with cutouts, my faith began and it has strengthened and sustained me throughout the years. So much of that is the influence of my Godly parents. They gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive, parents who love the Lord and each other. I pray He keeps them safe and takes care of them until He decides when it’s time to take them home. I pray it is quickly and without suffering. They have lived a long and Godly life with so many blessings along the way.
Mark is also going through similar things with his mom, since she broke her hip. She’s going to sell her house too and we don’t yet know what she is going to do next. She still has lots of physical therapy and healing to do and then will figure out next steps.
If you watch my lunch with the parents on Instagram, I guess I’ll be doing those videos from the new assisted living facility soon. I’ll still take you all along for the ride! Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it means the world to us as a family!
Cynthia Stampflee says
My heart goes out to you and your family. I have walked that exact path you are now on. I feel your frustration and moments of guilt. It is a difficult time for everyone. You have “lost” the parent you have had all your life and now face this person who is different in so many ways. Allow yourself a chance to grieve the former parent and accept the new person they have become. Know that what you’re doing is for their safety in mind and unfortunately it will be a difficult road.
Linda says
God bless your parents. I adore them and am very sad that you have to face this. My momma literally cursed us out when we told her that she has to move. The police and ambulance were coming several nights a week to pick her up off the floor and the folks that we hired to live with her were no longer able to manage her. After she moved she told me how much she loved it there! I reminded her of how she behaved and she just laughed. (Italian mothers!). At any rate, you will be able to just enjoy your parents now and not have to always be doing things for them and that is such a blessing. My mom loved to decorate for holidays so we would bring all her decorations and really do her apartment up. My main suggestion would be to be there often. Your momma can still tell you if there is a problem but your father probably cannot and they need a strong advocate to deal with any issues. We had none at my momma’s facility but had a couple when she was in others for rehab. It is very hard to deal with someone who doesn’t want to go but have patience. I will be praying. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Vici says
Prayers for your sweet wonderful family. We haven’t had to face this reality
Our reality is that I have Pancreatic Cancer. I will not face this crises with my mom. The only parent left. I am struggling with how to tell her there is no more treatments.
Bless you as over the years your resolute to all your many situations has given me the strength to persevere. Prayers and love to your family.
Rhoda says
HI, Vici, I’m so sorry about your diagnosis. May God give you the strength for whatever comes next.
Shelia Hathaway says
Continue prayers for your parents and your family at this new chapter of your life’s.
Deda says
Perhaps you can appeal to his faith and how God always has a plan. Tell him this may be meant as a time for him to share the gospel or just simply praying for other residents.
I love to hear your dad said the blessings at your lunches. He has such a powerful voice and you know God is listening.
Best of luck with their move and prayers for all.
Juliet says
My heart goes out to you, Rhoda. And, Mark. Your parents are wonderful people and getting to know them through your blog and social media has been a joy. I look forward to continue following their journey into this next chapter and pray for you and them that the transition is smooth and they both adjust well to their new home and routine. Having just been through this with my father, my heart breaks for you … I suppose this is the price we pay for having the privilege of parents who’ve enjoyed happiness in their longevity. Hugs and prayers to you. xo
patricia kuehn says
Rhoda, I feel like I have ‘known’ your Mama and Daddy all these years of following your blog. These times are so hard…I have been down this road. It was just my Mom that I had to move to assisted living as she had the memory issues like your Daddy. As far as the car key issue the doctor had the talk with my Mom. He explained because she had been diagnosed with memory issues she would be liable for any harm she caused from her driving. A few tears poured down her face and she agreed. She was more the temperment of your Mama. The Dads feel like everything is being taken away, that they are losing control. Maybe he can be approached from the angle of your Mama deserves some care and comfort in a new place. I will pray that he can eventually have a new ministry in his new home…maybe praying for others or the staff…God isnt through with him yet. Prayers for all of you on this road and I will be cheering you on & sending hugs as you walk this road. Pat
Donna says
You and your precious Mom and Dad will be in my prayers. It’s never easy but necessary. They are blessed with a loving daughter.
Julie Briones says
Definitely praying here for you and your folks, Rhoda. You know I get it. And, I’m with you on receiving a Godly heritage/legacy. I’m thankful the Lord blessed me with parents that loved Him, and taught me His Word. I think the only thing that keeps my mom from being belligerent with her dementia is the constant pouring of God’s word in her life as she spends so much time reading each day. Though she can’t remember what she is reading, His Word does not come back void! Praying the Lord will give your dad much peace and grace during this time… and HE can! 😉
Stacey says
I think your Dad will come to love visiting with others at the new place. I love seeing your videos with them. God bless y’all!
Lynn Rodgers says
I have been where you are my friend and it is a tough road. But God will see you through and sustain you. Your sweet daddy reminds me so much of my own sweet daddy. Daddy had an adjustment period but he did well. Mama, the easy going one, complained more than my dad. They reversed roles. They will adjust, just hang in there. One thing that helped my parents, we put a phone in their room and kept their same number so they could reach out to us and friends. If I can help or be a sounding board, feel free to touch base. Take care.
Erin Hernandez says
Oh, Rhoda! Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way! I have not yet had to walk this path, but as my dad has increasing health concerns year after year, I know our time will come. Such a difficult place to be. Your post is filled with obvious love for your parents, taking into consideration what each of them needs at this time. Hang in there and keep the peace that this move is indeed the right thing for everyone!!
Darleene Moore says
Rhoda, I have lived your sharing with the parents lunches and prayer. What you and your family will go through in the next few months, is anyone ever ready to do what’s best, but I pray that they will settle and meet new folks and find a place in their new journey. Sending lots of hugs and if I could help with this move I would. Love prayers and lots of hugs and patience from me.
Jane says
Hi Rhoda, I have been where you are right now. My mother had dementia and I was her caregiver. Although driving wasn’t an issue for her, I know from others how emotionally hard that can be to lose that independence. A friend left his dad with dementia the keys but removed the car battery without his dad’s knowledge to protect him.
Frances McGregor says
Our gracious and loving God led me to your blog today. It seems just yesterday that I was going through all this with my mother and my aunt. My dad had passed away earlier from a car accident. Now I’m living the same story with myself and my husband. My husband, at age 77, just returned home after a 4 month stay in the hospital. That accelerated his dementia. I have a lung condition diagnosed 4 years ago that has no cure other than a transplant. Of my 3 children, 1 actually assists us and I know she is burned out. It’s time to go to assisted living, but no one agrees with me. Thank you for allowing me to vent, but also to tell you that I understand your emotions in this situation. We both know that God will see us through and be with us as we tread the rough waters. Thank you again.
Jennifer Roberts says
We had to do this too and just told my grandfather that he was only going to assisted living until we got my grandmother settled. He seemed to do better with this information. Also, with the cars we told him that ours was in the shop and we needed to borrow his and that seemed to help him understand why it was not in the driveway. Once they got to the assisted living they both did great. My grandmother because she no longer had to cook and clean and my grandfather because he enjoyed talking to the other residents. It is tough on everyone so I have a clear plan for my loved ones in case this happens to me. They won’t have to worry about what I want because I have it all written down and arranged. Keep a journal daily of what you see and how they are acting once they get moved. It will help you see a good timeline overall of how this may improve things for them. Thinking of you!!
rose gorrell says
Dear Rhoda…….I am so sorry you and your family are going through all of this, although not entirely unexpected, its a shock and heartache for everyone. I have so enjoyed your blog for many years now, I really enjoyed when you bought your fixer-upper home and followed how you and your sweet daddy did all the reno work and your sweet mama cooking and doing her part in the background. You all will be in my prayers. Praying for a smooth and graceful transition, I am so grateful you know our sweet Daddy in Heaven, He will give you the grace you need….
Much love- Rose
Jane H. says
Having gone through this with my mom, I really feel for you and I’m praying for you. The personality changes with dementia are hard to accept. My mom didn’t have any problems with giving up driving, something she never really liked anyway. But leaving the house (and her dog) and moving to assisted living was another story. She never really did adjust, most probably because of the dementia. A friend of mine had trouble getting her dad to give up driving so she came up with a plan. She made up what looked like official letterhead stationery from the State of Florida and composed a letter that was supposedly from an official revoking her dad’s license and seeing that his insurance was canceled. Somehow that made it easier for him to take and it settled the issue. Thinking of you.
Debi Padgett says
Rhoda, let me say again how much joy I get from watching your parents. I’m so very sorry this is the path things have taken. I can only imagine how hard it might be to get your daddy over there. I’m sure having their own things will help. Would you occasionally be able to help your mom bake a cake? That way he could have his dessert he loves. Hopefully he will begin to feel comfortable enough to mingle with other residents. Will continue praying for you. ❤️
Yvonne Craig says
I have always loved your blog and your family! Please know I am thinking of you all❤️
Karen says
Enjoy your parents so much on IG.
Praying your Father surprises you all and adjusts quickly . I was going to also suggest that you guys loosen the battery cables so the truck won’t start . When my Dad, who also had dementia, would get belligerent. ( after we took the truck) I would tell him the truck was in the shop …. And make up a reason. That would appease him for a min and he would forget . It’s a constant struggle at times. Praying for your sweet parents – especially that your Mom has peace and comfort in the new place . ♥️