Watching our parents age is one of the hardest things we have to do. I know you all who have been through this understand what we are going through now. Many of my friends went through it years ago and we are very blessed that our parents have made it this long. But with longevity comes challenges. When I did a family update a few weeks ago, I didn’t realize then how quickly things would change with my mom and dad. Of course, you hope that your parents can stay in their home for the long haul and not have to move and get help, but that’s not always realistic either.
With mom’s accelerated back issues, she is no longer able to stand and work in the kitchen, cooking and baking. This means that they have to have help coming in and we have had someone doing that a few times a week, with me going over a couple times a week. Take-out has been our friend for months and thank goodness for country cooking places! They saved the day for us.
We took dad’s keys in mid-July. That hasn’t gone well either as he discovered his keys were missing but his car and truck were still there. We 3 girls sat down with him on his birthday and told him all the reasons why he shouldn’t be driving anymore. He didn’t agree, of course. I took his car keys just to make sure he didn’t drive. He asked several times about his keys and I told him he wasn’t driving anymore and his answer was always “who decided that I can’t drive?”. We’ve gone over it numerous times, but with dementia comes irrational thinking and he simply can’t willingly give up his keys without a fight or verbal confrontation.
It got pretty bad over a month into the key taking scheme and we had some pretty rough days of anger and frustration. Mom has taken the brunt of it since she is there with him all the time, but I had several conversations with him on the phone and in person and eventually for the sake of peace for mom, I had to return the keys to the hooks they hung on for the last 50 years just so he could see them there. He went back and forth with saying he wasn’t planning on driving to telling me he can’t promise me that he won’t drive. I don’t think he will, but there’s something about those keys hanging there that gave him peace of mind. That sweet daddy of mine can seem like a different personality when this anger comes out. Needless to say, something has to give and mom can’t live like this either.
Mom is just exhausted physically and emotionally and I’ve so grieved that she has had to go through this. We love daddy and he’s a sweet man at heart, but as we all know dementia can drastically change the personality of a person and sometimes we don’t know what we will get. He’s obstinate and can be so irrational, but that’s the nature of dementia. He has a memory care doctor and is on medication, but we will certainly be looking into more treatment for him to cope better. It’s not easy y’all! I know many of you have probably gone through this too, so you know the drill. He says not so nice things to mom and then promptly forgets he ever said it, but she doesn’t forget. It’s been hard on her. He even told her once when she repeated back what he said to her, “But I don’t feel that way. Next time I say that, tell me…you don’t really feel that way.” I wish it was that easy, but it’s not!
Walking through this time has been heart breaking and eye openingly apparent that things can’t stay like this. We had talked about them staying in their home for at least another year if things were going OK, but Mom told me last week she was ready to move to an assisted living facility and wanted me to start the process of looking. Since the burden of the house and all business dealings have gone to mom the last 5 years or so, we have to think about her mental and physical health first and foremost. Daddy will be a challenge to move. He’s always said he would die in that house and had no plans to ever move. And he won’t willingly move, so we will have to do it for him and make the decisions for both of their health and well being. It’s not easy! I now feel like the parent and I finally get what that means.
Since my sister, Renee, moved in April to Louisiana, we had no idea things would deteriorate this fast, but that’s what has happened. I’m not upset that she moved, I’m happy for her actually that she is closer to Lauren and the girls and I look forward to visiting them often. This sandwich generation thing is not a piece of cake as we all know. We always knew that the two of us (and Lauren) would have to juggle their care in the future until the Lord takes them home.
With mom completely worn out, it’s time. Time to move them to a place they can be safe, well fed, and taken care of day to day. I want mom to be spoiled for once in her life. She deserves it so much. That woman has taken care of my dad for almost 68 years, as well as her entire family in the best way possible and it’s time for her to rest and just be. I’m more excited for her than anything else. She will be waited on in a beautiful environment and can relax and not worry about a thing. It’s definitely time for that to happen! She is an angel and has been the best mom and grandmother to all of us. I want her spoiled to the max! No more cooking and cleaning and no more worrying about taking care of a house all alone.
When I took her to see the facility last week, she told me that when she met daddy she knew he didn’t have much of anything and that he came from a poor family (he was one of 10 kids). She said she wanted to spoil him when they got married and give him things he had never had before. And she did just that, she spoiled him to the max with her cooking and day to day care of him. She still worries about him and how he’s doing.
Daddy is going to go kicking and screaming and we are not at all sure how we are going to manage this move for him. We are praying for wisdom and also for help from his doctors as we navigate this new life for them. They have lived in that house for 50 years and change is not going to come easy for him. Mom will adjust just fine. He will not at first, but I pray he will learn to find contentment and joy in his new surroundings.
His life now consists of getting up early, eating his raisin bran and bananas, drinking a cup of coffee, going out to the carport or driveway and watching the traffic go by (what there is to see on his non-busy street), gawking at the neighbors to see what they are doing, taking the trash can out to the curb once a week and getting the mail every day. All of that and watching a little TV. Mom said he doesn’t even read anymore, another loss from dementia I’m sure.
So with that picture painted, I’m hoping he will adjust and actually come to like his new home and all that it offers. I’ve been doing the legwork of finding a new place for them to go and we’ve narrowed it down to a sweet assisted living that is 5 minutes from our house in Acworth. I’m so excited that this place worked out so nicely and that they will be so close that I can pop in often. That will be nice for both of us. I won’t have to grocery shop for them anymore, all their meals will be provided for them. They will have a cleaning service and laundry service at the new place and will not have to worry about much of anything day to day. That will be a relief for mom and she’s the one who can relax the most and enjoy this new way of life with the burden lifted off her shoulders.
I’ll share more about the facility when we get them moved in, but I’ll mention the name in case anyone has input for us. We decided on Dogwood Forest in downtown Acworth. It’s such a pretty place (has a 4.4 star review) and when I toured it after I saw a total of 5 places, I felt like it was the one for them. It also has Memory Care for the future if and when daddy gets worse. We’ve already put down a deposit and are planning to get them moved by the end of September. Mom is more than ready and we have a lot of planning to do the next few weeks to get things in place and the move completed to create a cozy home environment for them in their new place. We will be praying on how to handle the situation with daddy. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, so we might have to go that route.
Last week, I took mom by there for a tour of the place and the one bedroom apartment that’s reserved for them and she liked it too which made me happy. She said your daddy will think this is too fancy and he probably will. He is not a fancy guy at all as you all can see from the pictures I post. She will enjoy it I know. The West Florida born boy will have to adjust to it.
We will get their one bedroom apartment set up with their things and make it as comfortable and homey as we can for them. Getting them settled in and comfortable will be priority for us and I hope that all goes well. We have so much to do!
That’s the latest update on mom and dad. We knew this day would come and that likely they would not be able to stay in their home forever. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t always happen. We are blessed that they have had such a long life, but the 90’s have kicked them into another layer of issues, especially with dad’s dementia. He still gets around pretty well, eats great and loves being outside. He just can’t logically think anymore and has no memory day to day on things. It’s so sad to see, but we know that this happens to so many people and we hope he is able to settle in and enjoy the new community he will be a part of. In many ways, I think he might enjoy the socialization part of assisted living, time will tell. I think it will be great for mom, as she is often lonely at home with just her and daddy. They don’t have those detailed conversations anymore that couples have, dementia has taken that too.
Thank you all for loving on my parents all these years. I’m coming up on 15 years of blogging and I’ve shared them almost from the beginning of my journey. You all have embraced them, loved on them and cheered them on all the way. We know this is the best thing for them and it’s time for this move and big life changes. Your prayers would be appreciated as we navigate this journey with them, helping them to get settled in and acclimated to their new home. I’m so grateful that they have the means to do this and will be able to live out the rest of their lives taken care of in a loving safe environment with me just 5 minutes away. What peace of mind that will be for me! Renee and Lauren will continue to come and visit often and we will celebrate as we always do as a family with holidays and special occasions. God has been good to us! We will see what the future holds for both of them, but I pray they don’t suffer at all in their last days.
When I think back on these parents of mine, I’m forever grateful that they have paved the way and shown me clearly who God is to them and who He has ultimately become to me. That’s the most important thing my parents passed on to me, faith in an ever loving omnipresent God of the universe who intimately cares about each and every one of us and our daily needs. He has always taken care of them and also me and for that I’m so thankful. He has never let me down and I’m so grateful for their Godly influence in my life. When we get to the end of life, it matters not how much money we have in the bank, or what kind of house we live in. Those things mean nothing in the end. It’s knowing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ that matters. My parents have lived that out better than anyone I know and he has blessed them for it.
From my daddy standing up each Sunday for 28 years here in Georgia, preaching God’s Word to a small congregation of people, to my mama teaching children’s church and sharing those awe inspiring stories from the Bible that came alive on a meager flannel board with cutouts, my faith began and it has strengthened and sustained me throughout the years. So much of that is the influence of my Godly parents. They gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive, parents who love the Lord and each other. I pray He keeps them safe and takes care of them until He decides when it’s time to take them home. I pray it is quickly and without suffering. They have lived a long and Godly life with so many blessings along the way.
Mark is also going through similar things with his mom, since she broke her hip. She’s going to sell her house too and we don’t yet know what she is going to do next. She still has lots of physical therapy and healing to do and then will figure out next steps.
If you watch my lunch with the parents on Instagram, I guess I’ll be doing those videos from the new assisted living facility soon. I’ll still take you all along for the ride! Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it means the world to us as a family!
I wish I were closer and could just call you and talk. I went thought this 30 years ago with my mom! It’s so hard because we can’t fix it,put a band aid on it , or kiss it away!Now, I know our children are going through the same thing with us. I seem to be the one whose health is getting worse. It is sad for me because I know what is coming for them and I can’t do anything to fix it either!. Had a good friend who told me to do everything possible and i would have no regrets later on. The good news is your faith and the fact that drs. and cargivers know so much more than they did 30 years ago. It does sound like you and Mark have a good support network in place and the support of your siblines in this challenge. And have faith that you are doing everything you possibibly can for their care and comfort. we moved my mother in with us on her birthday. Took her to a favorite restaurant,my husband and sons moved everything into a prepared place in our home and and we just came home there. They were able to do it all in one day so there was no walking out f one place and going into the next one . we were able to supervise her and provide for her much better that any of the facilities,at the time, could.Keep talking to those in your uppor group. YOu will need lots of venting time ad that will help. Keep posting things on your blog. You have a great support group out here in the cloud. Wishing you all the best as you go forward with this new adventure. It will help you prepare for your own time.
Prayers sent for your Mom & Dad that their next chapter goes smoothly. (and for you too).
It’s so hard! We had to make these decisions with my mom when she was only in her sixties. Taking the car keys was the worst. I’ll be praying for your family. Your parents are blessed to have you.
I will pray for you and those sweet parents Rhoda. I went through this, but Daddy was gone by then and Mama was excited about the move like your mom, so you have difficulties ahead that I didn’t. He will see you through this, but you know that.
Sending prayers for you all as you wander down this new and unchartered path. We waited too long to access help for my parents and my mom fell the Friday before help was to arrive on the following Monday…you are doing the right thing! God bless!
Many prayers for all of you. Your parents are precious! The key fight is not uncommon and what some friends have done is to leave the keys for the parents to see yet take the spark plugs out of the cars, just in case.
My Mom developed dementia, and my Dad had physical issues. My heart goes out to you. Each person and each situation is different, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution. But I can offer a few suggestions: Work with your father’s dementia. When it comes time to move him, have Mom and Dad stay at one of your houses. If it is manageable, you might have them stay with the sister in Louisiana (depending upon how things are after Hurricane Ida passes) for a “visit”. When you move them in after you have everything all set up, tell Dad that he is on “vacation for a little while”. While being untruthful with him may sound unkind, it is actually less stressful for him than accepting the idea of his whole life being uprooted. Major changes are very difficult for people with dementia, and they can become very difficult to handle. Also, something to consider about Mom. She has spent her whole life caring for others. If all of her responsibilities are taken away from her, rather than enjoying being spoiled she may lose her sense of purpose. And that can have a negative effect on her health. Make sure that she still has some things that “she needs to do”. I pray that God will grant you His wisdom and guidance as you walk through this challenging stage of life.
Bless you all as you journey through these challenging days. Your faith in the One who is unchanging will get you through.
Keeping you and your dear, sweet parents in prayer during this hard time. I have followed your blog all these years and have so enjoyed “meeting” your parents. You have cared for them so well. 🙏❤
Prayers for all of you as you go through this. I’ve been there. 🙏🏻
Similar situation for my parents in New Orleans with Mom physically declining and Dad with dementia . Mom wanted to move to assisted living for several years, Dad resisted. Dad also resisted Mom’s attempts to declutter their furniture and belongings while still in the house. He could no longer drive, so we said one of the grandsons needed a car and he finally agreed. When the right facility was found Mom was determined to make the move. Dad finally said. “If Mama is going I guess I’ll have to go with her.” The facility recommended a moving company. My parents selected what to bring. One brother took them out to lunch while the move took place. Their house was not sold until a few months later while they made sure they were settled in. They walked in to their apartment, Dad sat in his recliner in front of the TV and never looked back. They had an improved social life with activities, religious services, or just sitting and chatting in the common areas with other residents. That was a huge benefit for my mother. Dad napped a few times a day and he didn’t mind if she went downstairs to socialize. She was a whiz at Trivia and Scrabble. Dad at first couldn’t remember the name of their new home, so he referred to it as “Luxury Living” and the name stuck with the rest of the family. It was a blessing for them and our family their last few years.
Today’s Truth Journey!
Psalm 17:15
As for me I will hold your face in righteousness; when I awake I will be satisfied, beholding your likeness!
Father, in our minds’ eyes we see the faces of people we love and have loved.
We recall the joy that love and friendships have brought us, a nod, a smile, comfort and help.
Thank you Father for our loved ones, we pray for their well being, their security in following you, their salvation.
We are all children of God!
I am sitting here crying for your parents and for you, too, Rhoda. It’s so hard navigating this part of life but it sounds like you’ve found the perfect place for them. God bless.
Prayers for all of you during this transitional period. It’s not easy. Pray that your Dad will handle it much better than expected.
Oh Rhoda….it is a big job and I will be praying for you and your parents in the weeks ahead. My 91 yo mother is in much the same boat mind wise. It is hard. I am glad you have found a place where your mom will be happy and hopefully your daddy will be happy there too eventually. I know it is peace of mind for you and your sister.
I can certainly empathize as I read your post it was as if I was reading about my life! My father is 91, with Dementia, my mother his caregiver for the last 10 years, is 82 who had a stroke last January. I am going through the exact same scenario, including the keys. While blessed to still have them, we are definitely now the parents😁.
Thoughts and prayers for you, and your family. I pray for strength and guidance for all of us as we weave our way through these difficult times.
BRAVO. You demonstrate love honor and respect for your parents. We can all only hope we have the same from your kids.
Like so many others, I have walked this same path. My father had the memory issues, and my mom was prone to falls. The car keys were definitely a difficult step. Dad actually fell and while in hospital we removed the car. After a fall my mom needed to be in a rehab for awhile, which is when she finally realized she needed to be in assisted living. I had been visiting, and researching different situations, and like you, once I got to the right one, I knew it instantly. The thing that changed, was when it was about my mom, my dad was fine with moving. Once in the assisted living, he told people he was there for his wife. I wish I had been wise enough to present it to him differently from the start, instead of making it about him. When his mind was sharp he would have absolutely been on board, with the move. I think it’s more painful watching the deterioration of the mind, than the body. My mom has been there for 12 years now, and I still know we made the right decision, and are in the right place. Being involved, and present as you, and your sister will be is a great asset.
My heart breaks for you. I have been going through the same thing with my husband who has been suffering from Alzheimer’s for the past 7 years. Taking his car keys away from him caused an ugly battle that lasted for months. And finally, placing him in a facility 2 years ago was gut wrenching. I’ll be praying for your family and your parents. God Bless.
Prayers for you and your parents. I know how tough this is to be the child making decisions and I’m glad you have Renee and Lauren. I pray your Dad is cooperative and will have a piece about him! Maybe he will like sitting outside at the assisted living place and meeting new people. Thanks for keeping us updated.