Watching our parents age is one of the hardest things we have to do. I know you all who have been through this understand what we are going through now. Many of my friends went through it years ago and we are very blessed that our parents have made it this long. But with longevity comes challenges. When I did a family update a few weeks ago, I didn’t realize then how quickly things would change with my mom and dad. Of course, you hope that your parents can stay in their home for the long haul and not have to move and get help, but that’s not always realistic either.
With mom’s accelerated back issues, she is no longer able to stand and work in the kitchen, cooking and baking. This means that they have to have help coming in and we have had someone doing that a few times a week, with me going over a couple times a week. Take-out has been our friend for months and thank goodness for country cooking places! They saved the day for us.
We took dad’s keys in mid-July. That hasn’t gone well either as he discovered his keys were missing but his car and truck were still there. We 3 girls sat down with him on his birthday and told him all the reasons why he shouldn’t be driving anymore. He didn’t agree, of course. I took his car keys just to make sure he didn’t drive. He asked several times about his keys and I told him he wasn’t driving anymore and his answer was always “who decided that I can’t drive?”. We’ve gone over it numerous times, but with dementia comes irrational thinking and he simply can’t willingly give up his keys without a fight or verbal confrontation.
It got pretty bad over a month into the key taking scheme and we had some pretty rough days of anger and frustration. Mom has taken the brunt of it since she is there with him all the time, but I had several conversations with him on the phone and in person and eventually for the sake of peace for mom, I had to return the keys to the hooks they hung on for the last 50 years just so he could see them there. He went back and forth with saying he wasn’t planning on driving to telling me he can’t promise me that he won’t drive. I don’t think he will, but there’s something about those keys hanging there that gave him peace of mind. That sweet daddy of mine can seem like a different personality when this anger comes out. Needless to say, something has to give and mom can’t live like this either.
Mom is just exhausted physically and emotionally and I’ve so grieved that she has had to go through this. We love daddy and he’s a sweet man at heart, but as we all know dementia can drastically change the personality of a person and sometimes we don’t know what we will get. He’s obstinate and can be so irrational, but that’s the nature of dementia. He has a memory care doctor and is on medication, but we will certainly be looking into more treatment for him to cope better. It’s not easy y’all! I know many of you have probably gone through this too, so you know the drill. He says not so nice things to mom and then promptly forgets he ever said it, but she doesn’t forget. It’s been hard on her. He even told her once when she repeated back what he said to her, “But I don’t feel that way. Next time I say that, tell me…you don’t really feel that way.” I wish it was that easy, but it’s not!
Walking through this time has been heart breaking and eye openingly apparent that things can’t stay like this. We had talked about them staying in their home for at least another year if things were going OK, but Mom told me last week she was ready to move to an assisted living facility and wanted me to start the process of looking. Since the burden of the house and all business dealings have gone to mom the last 5 years or so, we have to think about her mental and physical health first and foremost. Daddy will be a challenge to move. He’s always said he would die in that house and had no plans to ever move. And he won’t willingly move, so we will have to do it for him and make the decisions for both of their health and well being. It’s not easy! I now feel like the parent and I finally get what that means.
Since my sister, Renee, moved in April to Louisiana, we had no idea things would deteriorate this fast, but that’s what has happened. I’m not upset that she moved, I’m happy for her actually that she is closer to Lauren and the girls and I look forward to visiting them often. This sandwich generation thing is not a piece of cake as we all know. We always knew that the two of us (and Lauren) would have to juggle their care in the future until the Lord takes them home.
With mom completely worn out, it’s time. Time to move them to a place they can be safe, well fed, and taken care of day to day. I want mom to be spoiled for once in her life. She deserves it so much. That woman has taken care of my dad for almost 68 years, as well as her entire family in the best way possible and it’s time for her to rest and just be. I’m more excited for her than anything else. She will be waited on in a beautiful environment and can relax and not worry about a thing. It’s definitely time for that to happen! She is an angel and has been the best mom and grandmother to all of us. I want her spoiled to the max! No more cooking and cleaning and no more worrying about taking care of a house all alone.
When I took her to see the facility last week, she told me that when she met daddy she knew he didn’t have much of anything and that he came from a poor family (he was one of 10 kids). She said she wanted to spoil him when they got married and give him things he had never had before. And she did just that, she spoiled him to the max with her cooking and day to day care of him. She still worries about him and how he’s doing.
Daddy is going to go kicking and screaming and we are not at all sure how we are going to manage this move for him. We are praying for wisdom and also for help from his doctors as we navigate this new life for them. They have lived in that house for 50 years and change is not going to come easy for him. Mom will adjust just fine. He will not at first, but I pray he will learn to find contentment and joy in his new surroundings.
His life now consists of getting up early, eating his raisin bran and bananas, drinking a cup of coffee, going out to the carport or driveway and watching the traffic go by (what there is to see on his non-busy street), gawking at the neighbors to see what they are doing, taking the trash can out to the curb once a week and getting the mail every day. All of that and watching a little TV. Mom said he doesn’t even read anymore, another loss from dementia I’m sure.
So with that picture painted, I’m hoping he will adjust and actually come to like his new home and all that it offers. I’ve been doing the legwork of finding a new place for them to go and we’ve narrowed it down to a sweet assisted living that is 5 minutes from our house in Acworth. I’m so excited that this place worked out so nicely and that they will be so close that I can pop in often. That will be nice for both of us. I won’t have to grocery shop for them anymore, all their meals will be provided for them. They will have a cleaning service and laundry service at the new place and will not have to worry about much of anything day to day. That will be a relief for mom and she’s the one who can relax the most and enjoy this new way of life with the burden lifted off her shoulders.
I’ll share more about the facility when we get them moved in, but I’ll mention the name in case anyone has input for us. We decided on Dogwood Forest in downtown Acworth. It’s such a pretty place (has a 4.4 star review) and when I toured it after I saw a total of 5 places, I felt like it was the one for them. It also has Memory Care for the future if and when daddy gets worse. We’ve already put down a deposit and are planning to get them moved by the end of September. Mom is more than ready and we have a lot of planning to do the next few weeks to get things in place and the move completed to create a cozy home environment for them in their new place. We will be praying on how to handle the situation with daddy. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, so we might have to go that route.
Last week, I took mom by there for a tour of the place and the one bedroom apartment that’s reserved for them and she liked it too which made me happy. She said your daddy will think this is too fancy and he probably will. He is not a fancy guy at all as you all can see from the pictures I post. She will enjoy it I know. The West Florida born boy will have to adjust to it.
We will get their one bedroom apartment set up with their things and make it as comfortable and homey as we can for them. Getting them settled in and comfortable will be priority for us and I hope that all goes well. We have so much to do!
That’s the latest update on mom and dad. We knew this day would come and that likely they would not be able to stay in their home forever. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t always happen. We are blessed that they have had such a long life, but the 90’s have kicked them into another layer of issues, especially with dad’s dementia. He still gets around pretty well, eats great and loves being outside. He just can’t logically think anymore and has no memory day to day on things. It’s so sad to see, but we know that this happens to so many people and we hope he is able to settle in and enjoy the new community he will be a part of. In many ways, I think he might enjoy the socialization part of assisted living, time will tell. I think it will be great for mom, as she is often lonely at home with just her and daddy. They don’t have those detailed conversations anymore that couples have, dementia has taken that too.
Thank you all for loving on my parents all these years. I’m coming up on 15 years of blogging and I’ve shared them almost from the beginning of my journey. You all have embraced them, loved on them and cheered them on all the way. We know this is the best thing for them and it’s time for this move and big life changes. Your prayers would be appreciated as we navigate this journey with them, helping them to get settled in and acclimated to their new home. I’m so grateful that they have the means to do this and will be able to live out the rest of their lives taken care of in a loving safe environment with me just 5 minutes away. What peace of mind that will be for me! Renee and Lauren will continue to come and visit often and we will celebrate as we always do as a family with holidays and special occasions. God has been good to us! We will see what the future holds for both of them, but I pray they don’t suffer at all in their last days.
When I think back on these parents of mine, I’m forever grateful that they have paved the way and shown me clearly who God is to them and who He has ultimately become to me. That’s the most important thing my parents passed on to me, faith in an ever loving omnipresent God of the universe who intimately cares about each and every one of us and our daily needs. He has always taken care of them and also me and for that I’m so thankful. He has never let me down and I’m so grateful for their Godly influence in my life. When we get to the end of life, it matters not how much money we have in the bank, or what kind of house we live in. Those things mean nothing in the end. It’s knowing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ that matters. My parents have lived that out better than anyone I know and he has blessed them for it.
From my daddy standing up each Sunday for 28 years here in Georgia, preaching God’s Word to a small congregation of people, to my mama teaching children’s church and sharing those awe inspiring stories from the Bible that came alive on a meager flannel board with cutouts, my faith began and it has strengthened and sustained me throughout the years. So much of that is the influence of my Godly parents. They gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive, parents who love the Lord and each other. I pray He keeps them safe and takes care of them until He decides when it’s time to take them home. I pray it is quickly and without suffering. They have lived a long and Godly life with so many blessings along the way.
Mark is also going through similar things with his mom, since she broke her hip. She’s going to sell her house too and we don’t yet know what she is going to do next. She still has lots of physical therapy and healing to do and then will figure out next steps.
If you watch my lunch with the parents on Instagram, I guess I’ll be doing those videos from the new assisted living facility soon. I’ll still take you all along for the ride! Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it means the world to us as a family!
I’m so sorry you and your sisters are going through this. I know first hand all about this and it breaks my heart to hear of y’all now also going through this difficult stage in the life of your parents. My prayers are with you and your family my friend. I have always enjoyed reading about your father’s garden and the make over of your house that he helped you with. God bless you all.
Oh Rhoda, I feel for you! I have never met your parents physically but yet they hold a special place in my heart! This Instagram is something. I will be praying for you all! Hope all goes smoothly.
Well written Rhoda!! You have honored your parents and for that you will be rewarded greatly!!! Love you and my sweet Aunt Iris and Uncle Al!!! Praying for an easy transition! ❤️🙏🏻
I wept as I read your parents journey, as it now is yours. I, too, like others that have posted, are feeling your emotions of sadness, but knowing that you’re doing what is needed for them. God is so good, working through you, to get them where they will be safe, cared for, and get the needed care they need. We all have walked this road,
and know we understand every emotion you are feeling.♥️
Rhoda, you and your family are in my thoughts. These are such difficult decisions to make. You and your sister have been wonderful with your parents and you will continue to take care of them in the best possible way.
I was a Geriatric nurse for 35+ years. What you and others on this blog are describing is exactly what I saw happen to other families. The heartbreak that is experienced is overwhelming at times. My dad died at age 75 within two days and was in good health up to that time. My mother just turned 92 and lives with one of my bachelor brothers in another state. She still has her mind but isn’t able to do as much as she once did but still cooks meals.
One thing I would suggest is to have a good support group where you and your family can talk with others who are going through the same thing. The Board of Aging in your community can put you in touch with one.
It sounds like you understand aging and dementia Rhoda and what your parents need. Mostly the men often fight tooth and nail to give up their car keys.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Prayers for your parents and entire family. Dementia is such an ugly disease. We went through it with my dad and grandmother. When we moved my gram to a memory care center she was not happy, but gradually accepted it. Really helped that family was close by and visited frequently.
Praying for your sweet parents and you and the rest of your precious family. Just know he is with them always and will watch over them.❤️🙏
Thank you for sharing your journey. So sorry about how hard it is. I’ve had issues with my parents as well (and lost my dad recently to Covid-19; age 91). There is a medical summit going on right now that addresses dementia; perhaps there is something here that may help your dad.
https://reversealzheimers.drsummits.com/
Rhoda, I’m praying that this move will be smooth and painless for your your dad! I feel like I’m living back when we had to move my granny to nursing home… I wish we would have known more about how to transition her but it ended up being so sad… I’m praying for you all!! Thank you for sharing your sweet parents I believe we all feel like we know them and we look forward to your weekly lunch dates!! Sending big hugs and prayers for peace for you, Renee and Lauren because im sure it will be harder on you all than your parents!!
Much Love
Dear Rhoda
Please take care of yourself too. You’re parents are fortunate to have such a loving daughter. Thank you for sharing your experience
This is so hard. I went through this in 2015 with my mom. The key issue was several years before the dementia, it was awful. I finally had my brother do something to her car so it would not start. She finally agreed she would not drive, it was her vision not her memory at that point. I tried to keep her in her home, but she was not safe, so I moved her to assisted living. I had my brother and sister-in-law take her to lunch while my husband and I moved her into the resort. I knew I could not tell her because it would be a horrible confrontation that I couldn’t handle. She asked repeatedly to go home. One day the Lord gave me these wise words, I asked her if she remembered when we lived in Grove Park (that’s northwest Atlanta), she said she did. I asked her if she remembered that I was a senior in high school was in the band, my brother had a position on the football team, but she and Daddy moved us anyway because the neighborhood was no longer safe and I cried for months and months. She did remember that. I told her she was no longer safe in her home, so I had moved her to a safe place. Something clicked in her memory that day and she never asked to go home again. She had a triple whammy hearing impaired, legally blind and dementia. Socially it was the best thing I could have done for her because she was just getting worse being alone all the time, except for me and my husband coming every day to make sure she was fed, bathed and had her medication. She did well, loved the food and was loved on by the staff and caregivers. It was a very difficult time but I have no regrets about the care I gave her. She walked and talked every single day of her life, she was never in a hospital bed or diapers. She just checked out one Sunday afternoon. She was whole and healed in the presence of the Lord.
You are not alone in the journey, the steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord. Prayers for wisdom, peace and perfect timing for the days ahead.
Rhoda, you and your sister are doing the right thing, but I know that you know that. We are often called upon to do hard things, but with God at the helm, we don’t have to rely on our own strength. What a blessing that they have had such a long and lovely life in their own home. My mom and step dad are about 10 years younger, but are facing a similar situation within the next 3-5 years. My step dad’s dementia has completely changed his personality, and it is heartbreaking for my mom and us kids. Thank you for sharing this journey, and allowing us to partner in prayer for these precious people.
When we moved our widowed 90 year old aunt with dementia to assisted living in Tucson from her tiny Arizona town it was done with the precision of DDay. I had space planned her apartment, selected which furniture made the trip and had it painted with her signature colors. My cousin took charge of her while we followed the moving van and unpacked, hung drapes and pictures.
When she arrived the next morning she was flabbergasted to find her things in this new place. Contentment didn’t last too long as she was soon calling her friends and announcing her return. But one of the “blessings” of her dementia was that after a few days her short term memory loss made her less fixated about the past. So, for us, it turned out well after a rocky beginning. I wish you the same.
This is a sad, yet beautiful story. Thank you for sharing your beautiful family with us all of these years. I feel like I know them personally. That’s why it makes me sad to hear this. But with their love for Jesus , you are so blessed. I pray everything goes very smoothly.
Rhoda, praying for you and your parents. Dementia is brutal and I feel for your poor momma dealing with your daddy’s irrational mood swings. I went through it with my mom. I would discuss the move with your dad’s neurologist and see if they can give you some advice or some meds to keep him calm during the process. There is probably a local dementia/Alzheimer’s support group you could call for advice as well.
Rhoda, thanks for sharing this. I feel like I should visit with your parents because you have always shared so much about them. When we are blessed with parents who live to their later years this is an issue we have to face. Thanks again
Hi Rhoda,
I went through this with my parents. I, too, did everything to help them. It was exhausting, mentally and physically! I see you doing the same thing. Sometimes, it seem like putting one foot in front of the other and just keep going. My parents are gone now. During the time I was doing exactly the same as you are doing, becoming the parent, my goal was to have no regrets after they were gone. You are doing everything for them and you will not have regrets regarding your parents. May God bless all of you and walk beside you as you support your parents with this life changing transition! My heart and prayers go out to you.
This brought tears to my eyes, but I thank you for sharing this with us. I’ve followed you since you were in Birmingham. I grew up in Huntsville, but have lived in FL for 55 years now. I was the sister who lived out of state and didn’t have first-hand knowledge of what the children, especially the daughters, go through during these transitions of the parents life changes. This is written so eloquently, your love shines through. I have some of Iris’ recipes and she cooks a lot like my mother did, mouth watering just thinking about all the wonderful foods! I’m praying for you and your parents, I will be with you as a prayer warrior when the actual move happens and the weeks following. I check my FB and email daily and will try to keep up with the dates, etc. BTW, I’m now 81 and contemplating moving to some type of assisted living in Tallahassee where my daughter lives. I have a stubborn husband too! LOL! So far our minds are still pretty good, Praise the Lord! Yes, being a Christian makes all the difference, especially having Christian family, friends and support, even when we don’t know them in person, we still love our “online friends” and pray for them like family! God Bless you all. Count on me to pray without ceasing, just keep on letting us know how you need prayer (specifically!) You also have my email (below) if you want to talk privately. Sending much love and prayer!
Several years ago we were in the same place with my father in law. We also live in Acworth and looked at everything close to us and we chose Dogwood Forest. He was in the memory care unit and we fully expected to get a call within the first week saying he had thrown a chair thru a window to escape. That did not happen and he settled on very nicely. We visited very often to check on him and we had good communications with the staff there. They took excellent care of him for a couple of years before he passed. I hope the transition with your parents goes well. You and your family are in my prayers because this is not easy to do even you know it is the best thing.
oh Rhoda, I’m literally tearing up here! I know your pain and anguish, as I had the same challenges a few year ago. I feel like I know you and your parents because you have been so transparent with your life, and it’s beautiful to see the relationship you all have. God bless you and your family. Many prayers to you.