Watching our parents age is one of the hardest things we have to do. I know you all who have been through this understand what we are going through now. Many of my friends went through it years ago and we are very blessed that our parents have made it this long. But with longevity comes challenges. When I did a family update a few weeks ago, I didn’t realize then how quickly things would change with my mom and dad. Of course, you hope that your parents can stay in their home for the long haul and not have to move and get help, but that’s not always realistic either.
With mom’s accelerated back issues, she is no longer able to stand and work in the kitchen, cooking and baking. This means that they have to have help coming in and we have had someone doing that a few times a week, with me going over a couple times a week. Take-out has been our friend for months and thank goodness for country cooking places! They saved the day for us.
We took dad’s keys in mid-July. That hasn’t gone well either as he discovered his keys were missing but his car and truck were still there. We 3 girls sat down with him on his birthday and told him all the reasons why he shouldn’t be driving anymore. He didn’t agree, of course. I took his car keys just to make sure he didn’t drive. He asked several times about his keys and I told him he wasn’t driving anymore and his answer was always “who decided that I can’t drive?”. We’ve gone over it numerous times, but with dementia comes irrational thinking and he simply can’t willingly give up his keys without a fight or verbal confrontation.
It got pretty bad over a month into the key taking scheme and we had some pretty rough days of anger and frustration. Mom has taken the brunt of it since she is there with him all the time, but I had several conversations with him on the phone and in person and eventually for the sake of peace for mom, I had to return the keys to the hooks they hung on for the last 50 years just so he could see them there. He went back and forth with saying he wasn’t planning on driving to telling me he can’t promise me that he won’t drive. I don’t think he will, but there’s something about those keys hanging there that gave him peace of mind. That sweet daddy of mine can seem like a different personality when this anger comes out. Needless to say, something has to give and mom can’t live like this either.
Mom is just exhausted physically and emotionally and I’ve so grieved that she has had to go through this. We love daddy and he’s a sweet man at heart, but as we all know dementia can drastically change the personality of a person and sometimes we don’t know what we will get. He’s obstinate and can be so irrational, but that’s the nature of dementia. He has a memory care doctor and is on medication, but we will certainly be looking into more treatment for him to cope better. It’s not easy y’all! I know many of you have probably gone through this too, so you know the drill. He says not so nice things to mom and then promptly forgets he ever said it, but she doesn’t forget. It’s been hard on her. He even told her once when she repeated back what he said to her, “But I don’t feel that way. Next time I say that, tell me…you don’t really feel that way.” I wish it was that easy, but it’s not!
Walking through this time has been heart breaking and eye openingly apparent that things can’t stay like this. We had talked about them staying in their home for at least another year if things were going OK, but Mom told me last week she was ready to move to an assisted living facility and wanted me to start the process of looking. Since the burden of the house and all business dealings have gone to mom the last 5 years or so, we have to think about her mental and physical health first and foremost. Daddy will be a challenge to move. He’s always said he would die in that house and had no plans to ever move. And he won’t willingly move, so we will have to do it for him and make the decisions for both of their health and well being. It’s not easy! I now feel like the parent and I finally get what that means.
Since my sister, Renee, moved in April to Louisiana, we had no idea things would deteriorate this fast, but that’s what has happened. I’m not upset that she moved, I’m happy for her actually that she is closer to Lauren and the girls and I look forward to visiting them often. This sandwich generation thing is not a piece of cake as we all know. We always knew that the two of us (and Lauren) would have to juggle their care in the future until the Lord takes them home.
With mom completely worn out, it’s time. Time to move them to a place they can be safe, well fed, and taken care of day to day. I want mom to be spoiled for once in her life. She deserves it so much. That woman has taken care of my dad for almost 68 years, as well as her entire family in the best way possible and it’s time for her to rest and just be. I’m more excited for her than anything else. She will be waited on in a beautiful environment and can relax and not worry about a thing. It’s definitely time for that to happen! She is an angel and has been the best mom and grandmother to all of us. I want her spoiled to the max! No more cooking and cleaning and no more worrying about taking care of a house all alone.
When I took her to see the facility last week, she told me that when she met daddy she knew he didn’t have much of anything and that he came from a poor family (he was one of 10 kids). She said she wanted to spoil him when they got married and give him things he had never had before. And she did just that, she spoiled him to the max with her cooking and day to day care of him. She still worries about him and how he’s doing.
Daddy is going to go kicking and screaming and we are not at all sure how we are going to manage this move for him. We are praying for wisdom and also for help from his doctors as we navigate this new life for them. They have lived in that house for 50 years and change is not going to come easy for him. Mom will adjust just fine. He will not at first, but I pray he will learn to find contentment and joy in his new surroundings.
His life now consists of getting up early, eating his raisin bran and bananas, drinking a cup of coffee, going out to the carport or driveway and watching the traffic go by (what there is to see on his non-busy street), gawking at the neighbors to see what they are doing, taking the trash can out to the curb once a week and getting the mail every day. All of that and watching a little TV. Mom said he doesn’t even read anymore, another loss from dementia I’m sure.
So with that picture painted, I’m hoping he will adjust and actually come to like his new home and all that it offers. I’ve been doing the legwork of finding a new place for them to go and we’ve narrowed it down to a sweet assisted living that is 5 minutes from our house in Acworth. I’m so excited that this place worked out so nicely and that they will be so close that I can pop in often. That will be nice for both of us. I won’t have to grocery shop for them anymore, all their meals will be provided for them. They will have a cleaning service and laundry service at the new place and will not have to worry about much of anything day to day. That will be a relief for mom and she’s the one who can relax the most and enjoy this new way of life with the burden lifted off her shoulders.
I’ll share more about the facility when we get them moved in, but I’ll mention the name in case anyone has input for us. We decided on Dogwood Forest in downtown Acworth. It’s such a pretty place (has a 4.4 star review) and when I toured it after I saw a total of 5 places, I felt like it was the one for them. It also has Memory Care for the future if and when daddy gets worse. We’ve already put down a deposit and are planning to get them moved by the end of September. Mom is more than ready and we have a lot of planning to do the next few weeks to get things in place and the move completed to create a cozy home environment for them in their new place. We will be praying on how to handle the situation with daddy. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, so we might have to go that route.
Last week, I took mom by there for a tour of the place and the one bedroom apartment that’s reserved for them and she liked it too which made me happy. She said your daddy will think this is too fancy and he probably will. He is not a fancy guy at all as you all can see from the pictures I post. She will enjoy it I know. The West Florida born boy will have to adjust to it.
We will get their one bedroom apartment set up with their things and make it as comfortable and homey as we can for them. Getting them settled in and comfortable will be priority for us and I hope that all goes well. We have so much to do!
That’s the latest update on mom and dad. We knew this day would come and that likely they would not be able to stay in their home forever. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t always happen. We are blessed that they have had such a long life, but the 90’s have kicked them into another layer of issues, especially with dad’s dementia. He still gets around pretty well, eats great and loves being outside. He just can’t logically think anymore and has no memory day to day on things. It’s so sad to see, but we know that this happens to so many people and we hope he is able to settle in and enjoy the new community he will be a part of. In many ways, I think he might enjoy the socialization part of assisted living, time will tell. I think it will be great for mom, as she is often lonely at home with just her and daddy. They don’t have those detailed conversations anymore that couples have, dementia has taken that too.
Thank you all for loving on my parents all these years. I’m coming up on 15 years of blogging and I’ve shared them almost from the beginning of my journey. You all have embraced them, loved on them and cheered them on all the way. We know this is the best thing for them and it’s time for this move and big life changes. Your prayers would be appreciated as we navigate this journey with them, helping them to get settled in and acclimated to their new home. I’m so grateful that they have the means to do this and will be able to live out the rest of their lives taken care of in a loving safe environment with me just 5 minutes away. What peace of mind that will be for me! Renee and Lauren will continue to come and visit often and we will celebrate as we always do as a family with holidays and special occasions. God has been good to us! We will see what the future holds for both of them, but I pray they don’t suffer at all in their last days.
When I think back on these parents of mine, I’m forever grateful that they have paved the way and shown me clearly who God is to them and who He has ultimately become to me. That’s the most important thing my parents passed on to me, faith in an ever loving omnipresent God of the universe who intimately cares about each and every one of us and our daily needs. He has always taken care of them and also me and for that I’m so thankful. He has never let me down and I’m so grateful for their Godly influence in my life. When we get to the end of life, it matters not how much money we have in the bank, or what kind of house we live in. Those things mean nothing in the end. It’s knowing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ that matters. My parents have lived that out better than anyone I know and he has blessed them for it.
From my daddy standing up each Sunday for 28 years here in Georgia, preaching God’s Word to a small congregation of people, to my mama teaching children’s church and sharing those awe inspiring stories from the Bible that came alive on a meager flannel board with cutouts, my faith began and it has strengthened and sustained me throughout the years. So much of that is the influence of my Godly parents. They gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive, parents who love the Lord and each other. I pray He keeps them safe and takes care of them until He decides when it’s time to take them home. I pray it is quickly and without suffering. They have lived a long and Godly life with so many blessings along the way.
Mark is also going through similar things with his mom, since she broke her hip. She’s going to sell her house too and we don’t yet know what she is going to do next. She still has lots of physical therapy and healing to do and then will figure out next steps.
If you watch my lunch with the parents on Instagram, I guess I’ll be doing those videos from the new assisted living facility soon. I’ll still take you all along for the ride! Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it means the world to us as a family!
It goes without saying that dementia is the cruelest disease. It took the mother I knew away from us long before she gained her wings. Be prepared that your daddy might not be able to live with your mother in the same room for very long. He might require the memory care unit and I don’t think your mother would be happy living with so many others who have dementia. Mother went to a regular room for a while and had to be moved to the memory care unit. The patients have a tendency to want to leave the facility and can be very hard to deal with. Mother tried to breakout many times! My heart breaks for all of you and you will be in my prayers as you enter this stage of life. Also, be prepared to not go see your dad for a few days after you move them in.
Your honest words are as special as your family. Please feel the prayers and virtual hugs for stamina. You may want to check out tips for memory caregivers in the well-respected updated book, “The 36-Hour Day.” I was a four-year volunteer in memory care. Peace.
Thank you, Char, I have that book. My sweet friend, Vicki gave it to me.
Rhoda, thank you for sharing your parents through the years. I have come to love them, and I look forward to seeing them each week. My parents moved in with us when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 8 years ago. My Dad was an angel, and watched over her with a careful eye with my husband and me being right there to help. When she became pretty difficult and unhappy, our nurse suggested she be put on a drug called Respiridone. I think that is the right spelling. I was not wanting her on that as I thought it might take her away even more. Boy, was I wrong! She became so sweet and happy. It seemed to just take the edge off and allowed her to enjoy life again. I highly recommend it, if your doctor thinks it might help with your dad.
I have been exactly where you are, and even though it was a difficult journey, I felt so blessed to be able to care for them in their later years and have them with me 24/7. They both have passed away now, and I know that those last years were as good as possible under the circumstances. What a privilege it was to serve them as they had served me so well through my life. What a sweet relationship developed between us during those last years. My love for both of them grew so much, kind of in a different way than before.
My prayers are with you and your family as you navigate these new circumstances. May you all find the peace that comes only from one source, our Father in Heaven. His guiding presence will fill you with strength and peace.
Rhoda, is there an email or another way to give you some information privately.
HI, Jo, sure my email is [email protected]
Rhoda…having followed you almost from the beginning I am so sorry the time has come for you with your parents. You are all so fortunate to have had the wonderful independent life you all have enjoyed. I went thru this 5 years ago with my mother…a fractured hip speeded the change up and it wasn’t easy. I am an only child so even tho my husband is a great support…I still felt so alone. Got her into a lovely very small facility…and yes she has dementia…and the change in her surroundings really speeded that up. I endured several weeks of her calling and yelling to get “me out of here”. After assuring myself she was in the best of hands I had to turn a deaf ear…my emotional stability was precarious for sure. Well…she is now 103…still at the same place…and the dementia has provided her with some sense of well being. She thinks she just arrived yesterday…but she loves the food and knows she is safe.
I wish you the best in your journey…and always remember your parents have always wanted the best for you girls…physically and emotionally. Bless you/
Praying for you and your entire family. Thank you for sharing. I will be facing a similar time soon. Hugs
What a loving daughter you are, Rhoda. Your faith in God and in His Son, Jesus Christ, has really shown out from your blog. God will walk ahead of you, clearing the path, in this transition just as He has done for you (and for me) all your life. May His blessings pour over your whole family as you continue to serve Him from this new place.
I continue to pray for you all. I can’t find the words to tell you how much I enjoy reading about your folks and how much your sharing this part of the story is helping me. I am extremely blessed that my 90 year young mama is pretty healthy but, I see changes and my fear and broken heart clouds my thoughts. You are blessed with a gift of writing about practical matters with love and kindness.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
My sister and I went through the same with our Mom. Daddy had passed quickly and peacefully before her. She was always mad at us, didn’t know who we were, and insisted we take her hone to her parents. Her mind was stuck in her teenage years! After going into assisted living, it wasn’t long before she was put into the memory care unit because kept trying to get out the doors. It’s a hard journey but prayers for your Mom to handle it well.
I know this is to much to ask but perhaps as he gets use to the new place he will not remember the old house. I am saying a prayer for you all , I think most people our age have or will have gone thru this. Always remember the good times you were blessed to have with them.
Oh my–I could have written that blog and I am in the process of getting my husband on Medicaid because the cost is unbelievable and our son decided that in order for us not be bled into the poor house we let out son put it into blind accounts and I go to him once a month to get the money it takes for the bills. Look into any military help if he served and any other help you can get because everything is twice as high as we expected. We live on a farm and the good doctors are 100 miles away. My husband has been sick for many years and didn’t qualify for Long Term Insurance. I plan on looking for different care after the first of the year. I didn’t make this decision , his doctor did.
May God give you the strength you need. It takes a lot
My heart goes out to you and your family. Your story is almost identical to these last few years with my mom. We moved her to Dogwood Forest in Grayson Georgia where she lived for several years before passing this past February. As with you, taking the car keys away was a stressful time. It really never ended. She was able to stay in the assisted living area even though the dementia progressed. It was a good thing to be just 5 minutes away and that will be great for your parents. She just never excepted the apartment as her home saying it was a hotel and none of her belongings were hers. But there were many good days too and we are so thankful for the care for her and activities provided. I could share more but I thank you for sharing your feelings, thoughts and real life situation. I think it’s comforting knowing so many of us share in the good and bad (anger) of this chapter in our lives. Oh, suggestion: Keep it simple what you take to their new home with their furniture, clothing, etc. Your dad should enjoy his porch, my mom loved it. Praying for you—
Your post has me in tears, I’m sorry for the pain you’re feeling. I understand how difficult the decision to take your daddy’s keys was as I went through that several years back with my father who was furious but didn’t understand the danger he was to himself and others when he got behind the wheel of his car. Several months later we had to move my parents to assisted living. It was so hard for them to adjust to living in a one bedroom apartment (it was very nice and in a newer facility) but my mother handled it much better than my father. After a year or so, my father also came to adjust to the point that when we wanted to bring them to our home for family gatherings, or out to shop, he was uncomfortable and asked us to please take him back to his “home.” He accepted that he was comfortable, felt safe, and well looked after in the assisted living center.
That is my prayer for you today, that your lovely parents come to call their new arrangement their “home” and that you feel peace in knowing that you made the best decision on their behalf.
God be with you and yours.
—Lisa
Having been thru this twice, my heart goes out to you. You & your parents will definitely be in my prayers. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I read all these comments with sadness……I know it must be so hard. But I lost my Mom at age 44 due to heart attack (I was 25) and my Dad at age 59 (lung cancer, I was 38) so I never had the privilege of taking care of them as they aged. We never know what life will bring but God is good! The most important thing is to know and trust Him.
God bless you and your family in this new journey you all are on. Praying for a smooth transition.
Reading your post today took me right back to the same situation I was in with my parents in 2001. Your parents remind me of mine in a lot of ways, especially your father. Lovely, loving people in a deep relationship with God. How blessed we are to have parents like that. You’re just starting out on this difficult journey. I’m going to put you and your parents on my prayer line at church and keep you all in my prayers every day. I’m telling you from experience (I’m an only child and with your sister in another state you are too right now) you can’t do this alone. God will be with you the whole way in ways you can’t know now. Every day He’ll hold your hand, tightly. Some days He’ll carry you in His arms. Some days He’ll send people to help you. Most of all He’ll watch over your parents. My parents’ doctor made the decisions that my father had to stop driving (yikes! didn’t go over well, so thankful I wasn’t the one that had to make that decision) and that they had to move out of their home. It’s so much easier when it comes as “doctor’s orders”. What my father found the hardest about it was that they had saved as much money as they could so they could leave it to me. He was heartbroken that it would go to the nursing home instead and they’d have nothing to give me. They gave me two things more precious and more important than money. One, they taught me the real meaning of love. Two, both of my parents had strong faith, made God more important than anything else, invited Him into every moment of the day and everything they did, and passed that on to me by example. Priceless. I can see your parents are the same. I’ll pray that the transition to a new home will be easy for them. I’ll pray that they’ll make new friends there and enjoy doing whatever is available for them there. I’ll pray for what you will need, also for Mark and his mom. God be with you, Rhoda. May He always hold you in the palm of His hand.
Oh my friend! So sorry! Just went through all of this with my in-laws 😞😢
I was reading your post to my honey and he said deja vu – so raw for us still
Having lost my father in law to the same issues / falling / fragility (Oct 2020) and my sweet mother in law last month after a fall
Breaking 3 vertebrae in her back but sadly
Succumbed to Covid delta variant 😭😭😭
Hugs and prayers as y’all navigate through this difficult time
Hello Rhoda,
I’m a long-time follower although I don’t comment often.
I’m sending you a big hug because I know how difficult your current situation is … both my parents had to be placed in skilled nursing … for different reasons. It’s not easy for them to give up their independence that’s for sure.
Trust me when I say how very lucky you are to be able to have found a place for your parents near your home … not everyone has that option. My siblings and I were lucky to have found a place for my mom and later for my dad that was convenient for all of us.
May you find comfort and peace in the days ahead and know that you are doing the right thing for your parents. You are a wonderful daughter … don’t forget that!!!
God bless.