Watching our parents age is one of the hardest things we have to do. I know you all who have been through this understand what we are going through now. Many of my friends went through it years ago and we are very blessed that our parents have made it this long. But with longevity comes challenges. When I did a family update a few weeks ago, I didn’t realize then how quickly things would change with my mom and dad. Of course, you hope that your parents can stay in their home for the long haul and not have to move and get help, but that’s not always realistic either.
With mom’s accelerated back issues, she is no longer able to stand and work in the kitchen, cooking and baking. This means that they have to have help coming in and we have had someone doing that a few times a week, with me going over a couple times a week. Take-out has been our friend for months and thank goodness for country cooking places! They saved the day for us.
We took dad’s keys in mid-July. That hasn’t gone well either as he discovered his keys were missing but his car and truck were still there. We 3 girls sat down with him on his birthday and told him all the reasons why he shouldn’t be driving anymore. He didn’t agree, of course. I took his car keys just to make sure he didn’t drive. He asked several times about his keys and I told him he wasn’t driving anymore and his answer was always “who decided that I can’t drive?”. We’ve gone over it numerous times, but with dementia comes irrational thinking and he simply can’t willingly give up his keys without a fight or verbal confrontation.
It got pretty bad over a month into the key taking scheme and we had some pretty rough days of anger and frustration. Mom has taken the brunt of it since she is there with him all the time, but I had several conversations with him on the phone and in person and eventually for the sake of peace for mom, I had to return the keys to the hooks they hung on for the last 50 years just so he could see them there. He went back and forth with saying he wasn’t planning on driving to telling me he can’t promise me that he won’t drive. I don’t think he will, but there’s something about those keys hanging there that gave him peace of mind. That sweet daddy of mine can seem like a different personality when this anger comes out. Needless to say, something has to give and mom can’t live like this either.
Mom is just exhausted physically and emotionally and I’ve so grieved that she has had to go through this. We love daddy and he’s a sweet man at heart, but as we all know dementia can drastically change the personality of a person and sometimes we don’t know what we will get. He’s obstinate and can be so irrational, but that’s the nature of dementia. He has a memory care doctor and is on medication, but we will certainly be looking into more treatment for him to cope better. It’s not easy y’all! I know many of you have probably gone through this too, so you know the drill. He says not so nice things to mom and then promptly forgets he ever said it, but she doesn’t forget. It’s been hard on her. He even told her once when she repeated back what he said to her, “But I don’t feel that way. Next time I say that, tell me…you don’t really feel that way.” I wish it was that easy, but it’s not!
Walking through this time has been heart breaking and eye openingly apparent that things can’t stay like this. We had talked about them staying in their home for at least another year if things were going OK, but Mom told me last week she was ready to move to an assisted living facility and wanted me to start the process of looking. Since the burden of the house and all business dealings have gone to mom the last 5 years or so, we have to think about her mental and physical health first and foremost. Daddy will be a challenge to move. He’s always said he would die in that house and had no plans to ever move. And he won’t willingly move, so we will have to do it for him and make the decisions for both of their health and well being. It’s not easy! I now feel like the parent and I finally get what that means.
Since my sister, Renee, moved in April to Louisiana, we had no idea things would deteriorate this fast, but that’s what has happened. I’m not upset that she moved, I’m happy for her actually that she is closer to Lauren and the girls and I look forward to visiting them often. This sandwich generation thing is not a piece of cake as we all know. We always knew that the two of us (and Lauren) would have to juggle their care in the future until the Lord takes them home.
With mom completely worn out, it’s time. Time to move them to a place they can be safe, well fed, and taken care of day to day. I want mom to be spoiled for once in her life. She deserves it so much. That woman has taken care of my dad for almost 68 years, as well as her entire family in the best way possible and it’s time for her to rest and just be. I’m more excited for her than anything else. She will be waited on in a beautiful environment and can relax and not worry about a thing. It’s definitely time for that to happen! She is an angel and has been the best mom and grandmother to all of us. I want her spoiled to the max! No more cooking and cleaning and no more worrying about taking care of a house all alone.
When I took her to see the facility last week, she told me that when she met daddy she knew he didn’t have much of anything and that he came from a poor family (he was one of 10 kids). She said she wanted to spoil him when they got married and give him things he had never had before. And she did just that, she spoiled him to the max with her cooking and day to day care of him. She still worries about him and how he’s doing.
Daddy is going to go kicking and screaming and we are not at all sure how we are going to manage this move for him. We are praying for wisdom and also for help from his doctors as we navigate this new life for them. They have lived in that house for 50 years and change is not going to come easy for him. Mom will adjust just fine. He will not at first, but I pray he will learn to find contentment and joy in his new surroundings.
His life now consists of getting up early, eating his raisin bran and bananas, drinking a cup of coffee, going out to the carport or driveway and watching the traffic go by (what there is to see on his non-busy street), gawking at the neighbors to see what they are doing, taking the trash can out to the curb once a week and getting the mail every day. All of that and watching a little TV. Mom said he doesn’t even read anymore, another loss from dementia I’m sure.
So with that picture painted, I’m hoping he will adjust and actually come to like his new home and all that it offers. I’ve been doing the legwork of finding a new place for them to go and we’ve narrowed it down to a sweet assisted living that is 5 minutes from our house in Acworth. I’m so excited that this place worked out so nicely and that they will be so close that I can pop in often. That will be nice for both of us. I won’t have to grocery shop for them anymore, all their meals will be provided for them. They will have a cleaning service and laundry service at the new place and will not have to worry about much of anything day to day. That will be a relief for mom and she’s the one who can relax the most and enjoy this new way of life with the burden lifted off her shoulders.
I’ll share more about the facility when we get them moved in, but I’ll mention the name in case anyone has input for us. We decided on Dogwood Forest in downtown Acworth. It’s such a pretty place (has a 4.4 star review) and when I toured it after I saw a total of 5 places, I felt like it was the one for them. It also has Memory Care for the future if and when daddy gets worse. We’ve already put down a deposit and are planning to get them moved by the end of September. Mom is more than ready and we have a lot of planning to do the next few weeks to get things in place and the move completed to create a cozy home environment for them in their new place. We will be praying on how to handle the situation with daddy. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, so we might have to go that route.
Last week, I took mom by there for a tour of the place and the one bedroom apartment that’s reserved for them and she liked it too which made me happy. She said your daddy will think this is too fancy and he probably will. He is not a fancy guy at all as you all can see from the pictures I post. She will enjoy it I know. The West Florida born boy will have to adjust to it.
We will get their one bedroom apartment set up with their things and make it as comfortable and homey as we can for them. Getting them settled in and comfortable will be priority for us and I hope that all goes well. We have so much to do!
That’s the latest update on mom and dad. We knew this day would come and that likely they would not be able to stay in their home forever. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t always happen. We are blessed that they have had such a long life, but the 90’s have kicked them into another layer of issues, especially with dad’s dementia. He still gets around pretty well, eats great and loves being outside. He just can’t logically think anymore and has no memory day to day on things. It’s so sad to see, but we know that this happens to so many people and we hope he is able to settle in and enjoy the new community he will be a part of. In many ways, I think he might enjoy the socialization part of assisted living, time will tell. I think it will be great for mom, as she is often lonely at home with just her and daddy. They don’t have those detailed conversations anymore that couples have, dementia has taken that too.
Thank you all for loving on my parents all these years. I’m coming up on 15 years of blogging and I’ve shared them almost from the beginning of my journey. You all have embraced them, loved on them and cheered them on all the way. We know this is the best thing for them and it’s time for this move and big life changes. Your prayers would be appreciated as we navigate this journey with them, helping them to get settled in and acclimated to their new home. I’m so grateful that they have the means to do this and will be able to live out the rest of their lives taken care of in a loving safe environment with me just 5 minutes away. What peace of mind that will be for me! Renee and Lauren will continue to come and visit often and we will celebrate as we always do as a family with holidays and special occasions. God has been good to us! We will see what the future holds for both of them, but I pray they don’t suffer at all in their last days.
When I think back on these parents of mine, I’m forever grateful that they have paved the way and shown me clearly who God is to them and who He has ultimately become to me. That’s the most important thing my parents passed on to me, faith in an ever loving omnipresent God of the universe who intimately cares about each and every one of us and our daily needs. He has always taken care of them and also me and for that I’m so thankful. He has never let me down and I’m so grateful for their Godly influence in my life. When we get to the end of life, it matters not how much money we have in the bank, or what kind of house we live in. Those things mean nothing in the end. It’s knowing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ that matters. My parents have lived that out better than anyone I know and he has blessed them for it.
From my daddy standing up each Sunday for 28 years here in Georgia, preaching God’s Word to a small congregation of people, to my mama teaching children’s church and sharing those awe inspiring stories from the Bible that came alive on a meager flannel board with cutouts, my faith began and it has strengthened and sustained me throughout the years. So much of that is the influence of my Godly parents. They gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive, parents who love the Lord and each other. I pray He keeps them safe and takes care of them until He decides when it’s time to take them home. I pray it is quickly and without suffering. They have lived a long and Godly life with so many blessings along the way.
Mark is also going through similar things with his mom, since she broke her hip. She’s going to sell her house too and we don’t yet know what she is going to do next. She still has lots of physical therapy and healing to do and then will figure out next steps.
If you watch my lunch with the parents on Instagram, I guess I’ll be doing those videos from the new assisted living facility soon. I’ll still take you all along for the ride! Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it means the world to us as a family!
My prayers for you Rhoda. My prayers for your sweet mama and for your precious daddy during this difficult time. God will see his faithful servants through this. He will never leave your side. I lost my mother when she was 48 to metastatic breast cancer. She was a quadriplegic for 3 1/2 years. I was her caregiver until she passed. Although we have different circumstances I can still relate to some of the challenges that lie ahead for you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful parents with all of us. I hope to see you all happy and thriving soon.
I just recently found your blog and am so happy I did. I really needed today’s heartfelt and touching post. Thank you so much for sharing your very emotional journey. May you find comfort and peace in the days ahead knowing you are doing the right thing.
Please give yourself some grace during this time. Even when you know your are doing the right thing, it is hard to prepare yourself for the emotions you feel. It was a difficult time for my sister and I to put my mom in a group home to spend her last days. Dementia had claimed her sweet nature and body, and she needed constant care that we could not give. Your parents remind me of my own parents, just good, good people. It is a gift to have them this long. Prayers for you and your family on this journey.
Rhoda, thank you for sharing your heart with us in this post. We know that it wasn’t easy for you to put all your thoughts in writing. Your Mama and Papa are so precious and we have grown to love them over the years as you shared them with us. Thank you for doing this.
We are so happy that you have found a nice “assisted living” place for them that is near you. We know that your dear Mama will be so happy there and we are going to keep your Papa in our prayers and pray that he will settle in and be happy in his new home, too. The Lord has blessed them for all these years and we know that He will continue to bless them and make them a blessing to all those they get to know in their new home.
Dear Rhoda, we continue to pray for you as well. We know there is so much you have to do. We ask that God will give you the strength you need to meet each new day. We pray that their move goes well and that you and your dear sister will have no problems with taking care of all their things and selling their home. May you have peace in knowing that God is right there with you as you go through these next few weeks. We pray for Mark, too, as he helps his dear Mom with her house sale and a new place to live. May you both feel God’s presence as you embark on this new journey with your dear and precious parents. You will be blessed with being so special to them at this time of so much uncertainty.
Read your post with a tear in my eye…..been through dementia with my father-in-law, my mother (who have now both passed) and now my sister who was diagnosed at 74. I know all about the challenges you are faced with. My mother did not want to go in residence at all, but adjusted very quickly. I hope the same will happen with your Dad. Your Mom I’m certain will be just fine and relieved she can now relax more. Try to remember what comes out of your Dad’s mouth now is not your Dad speaking but the vicious disease that is dementia. Sending hugs and prayers
The picture you posted of them as a young couple is so nice.
Take care
You have generously shared the good times with your mom and dad over the years, and now we share in the sadness of this new phase. One thing that I learned in our experience with dementia and memory care is that those who work there have so many ways to help both the new residents and the family. Such good advice they have given us over the years we have been a part of our aunt’s care! We watched as the disease took away her most recent memories and then her young adult years and now even her childhood ones are gone. But along the way we learned to join her where she was in time with our talks. Bless her, it’s been a few years since she even remembered me as the nice girl who worked there (never did)! I loved the comment above that dementia is not a linear disease. So very true. Hold on to Jesus, and know that honoring your parents is in the top ten things God asks of His children.
Rhoda, Thank you for sharing your heart and your love of Christ with us. Sometimes I feel I have known you all my life and I am hoping to pass you on the sidewalk one day.
You will love Dogwood Forest. It was a good experience for my 99 yr. old friend. I have a few tricks I used to help transition in her new home. Wall of memories 2nd or 3rd floor near the elevator
table by window Daily treat
chairs on porch Order extra Reserve room for family meals Music
If you don’t understand or want an explanation, feel free to contact me, and will give you a better answer. I am praying that your experience will go smoothly.
770-633-5020
Thank you, Linda, I’m so glad to hear good things about Dogwood. I’m sure we’ll work through everything and get them settled in. I do like that the dining room can be reserved for families.
I recommend drugs. Seriously. Consult with his MD of course. Anti depressants helped my mother make the transition from home to assisted living. She thrived there for almost 15 years!
Will definitely be asking for some meds for him! Working on that this week.
Praying for you and your parents! You are such a good daughter – it is evident you love your parents dearly and evident they love you! ❤️ What a treasure to have Christ centered parents – I am thankful for mine.
After going through this with my mama, I can relate. What a gift to have your parents for this long! Just remember to be patient with them and give yourself grace along the way. There’s no right or wrong way to go through this. Remember we are lifting you and your parents up in thought and prayer.
Oh Rhoda,
I have been through this with my dad. It’s not easy! I have worked in Assisted Living and had had family in Assisted Living. Take the advice of the staff at Assisted Living. They have a wealth of experience and knowledge of how to deal with the aging. Make one decision at a time, and do the next right thing for that day. Things can change so quickly. Planning too far out often fails. As far as having their laundry done, I suggest you do that yourself. Pieces end up missing or lost or mixed in with someone else’s. They are supposed to keep each resident’s clothes separate, but my experience was that they would wash clothes together in order to cut corners and time. It will happen- I promise. Not to mention the spread of bed bugs. Even the cleanest, nicest facilities deal with it. I don’t think you will be sorry if you do choose to do their laundry.
Disable or disconnect the car battery and let your dad look at the keys on the hook. He will never know. And if he’s not on anti- anxiety medicine, I would consider that for him during this transition. God has been faithful to them, and He won’t stop now! You can count on Him! What a peace that brings!
Thank you for your post.. I’ve already been through this, with my mom. She was 92 when she passed. She fell and had a brain bleed and did not suffer. Got to hear all her grandchildren say goodbye to her and how much they loved her! She was also a very Godly women and I’m so thankful I was raised in a Christian home.. I feel for you and what you’re going through. God bless you for your Christian beliefs and your wonderful parents lives! Hope all goes well for your family and your dad will accept his new home.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. It is an emotional journey. I know you cherish every day you have with them , but it is difficult to take on this new role that changes with time. I have traveled this road and will be thinking of you.
Our prayers are with you in this difficult time!
Martha
Praying for you and your family! I have similar things happening with my parents. It’s HARD. Thank you for your transparency – you are a blessing and an encouragement!
Praying for you and your family Rhoda as you prepare for a new chapter in the lives of your parents and you as well. It’s hard no matter who you are or what the circumstances. My mom came to live with me for 5 1/2 years but being in another town, she didn’t want to come either but knew she could not take care of herself or the house. She adjusted quickly. Your mother will have a tremendous burden lifted from her by going into assisted living and I predict your dad will adjust as well. It won’t be easy but God is good and faithful and will guide your every step. It’s such a blessing to be raised by faithful christian parents. I was as well.
I have always loved your post of your parents and I truly feel sad at their decline. I feel like I know them.
I will be praying for you to have wisdom and peace for your daddy as he transitions to a new place.
I will say when my Mother In Law moved to an Assisted Living, her dementia actually improved. Everyone agreed it was because of the mental stimulation she was receiving. Apparently Bingo and meeting new people is really good for the mind.
I live in the west Cobb area and have had several friends parents live at Dogwood. They each had good experiences and I’ve visited there several times. It is a lovely place and I hope you parents will be happy there.
I have loved watching your parents and listening to your daddy pray over the meal always gets me. 💙My mother will be 90 next month and moves to assisted living 3 years ago. She recently told me she’s loving her beat life! I hope the same for your parents! I will keep them and your heart in my prayers as you transition them. God Bless!
Wow Rhoda. thank you for sharing with us the latest concerning your wonderful parents. I understand what you’re going through. I am definitely praying that all will go well with the upcoming move. You’re right…it is time to move them into assisted living and how wonderful that you found a facility five minutes from your home! The adjustment for your dad will be hardest on your mother. I pray that all can be managed well, perhaps with the help of your dad’s doctor? Your mom, who is still thinking clearly, has told you that it is time for them to move and you have acted rightly on that information. The dementia is certainly causing a lot of the problems with your dad, and I’m sorry for all the pain it’s putting all of you in the family, through. He was so independent and now the dementia is stealing that independence. Ask for advice from others on how to deal with it, especially people close by your situation. I moved my parents into a one-bedroom assisted living after they had been in their house for more than fifty years. They both agreed it was time to move, but still it was hard and sad for them. and as it turned out, my dad only lived 4 1/2 months after the move. We don’t know what the future will bring, but we can trust in God’s plan for each of us. Now you just need to do the next right thing for them and get help from professionals if you need to to make it all work out all right. I hope you will continue to update us on your folks. Praying for you Rhoda, and your mom and dad, and Mark with his mother’s challenges too. God Bless you all.