Oh friends, it’s been a hard few days. We were all dreading the moving day for mom and dad to assisted living. Even though you know something’s coming, you don’t quite know how to prepare for it and life is so hard at this stage. I’ve had friends who have gone through this with aging parents with dementia and that makes moving and change even harder So even though we knew all that, it’s still hard to prepare for the actual scenario of moving parents to assisted living. One knew about the move and was heavily involved in the planning. The other one was blind sided, which is never a good thing, but we knew already by talking to dad about moving in general the last month that he would never agree to leave his house ever, so what do you do? You make the hard decisions for them and do what you have to do and that’s what my sister and niece and I have done for my parents.
One day he’s sitting on his driveway under the shade and the next day he’s moving to assisted living. Lauren and Renee came home last Wednesday to prepare for this and we had our game plan in place, but it’s still not easy at all. We knew it would be bad and we were right.
This was taken just before the move on their carport. Dad still thinks that he can take care of the house and that things are still running around there as usual, but the burden of the house, finances, meals, and everything else has been on mom’s shoulders for several years now, since dad’s memory has been going with dementia. He’s been on a memory med for a few years now, but it’s time to make some changes with that to help him through this time of life.
We had the movers all lined up and with precision timing, my sister and I, along with Bruce my BIL went over and packed up what they would need to take to assisted living to make their one bedroom apartment homey and comfortable for them. I knew all the suggestions. Take their favorite things and make it feel as much like home as possible. So we took their recliners, TV and their bedroom furniture and a few other things that would fit to make it as cozy as possible. I’ll show pics of that later on, but I wanted to give you all a quick update after the move on Friday. We got things looking so nice and comfortable. They have a private balcony and we moved their outdoor furniture out there along with my dad’s rocking chair and it will be a good place for him to sit outside, once he gets acclimated.
Lauren kept them occupied the whole day and then finally after 3:00 we were ready for them to come over. Dad was jovial with the big welcome at first, he had no idea why they were there, but he joked around with them as he can do with folks. We took them up to their room and gave them a tour around and then he began asking the questions.
Why are we here, what are we doing here? The more we talked to him the madder he got.
We are using the idea that they are there for 2 weeks for mom to get help and a break. That she’s no longer able to care for them and do their meals and all of the things that she’s been doing. A normal person could reason this out and do what it takes for their mate of 68 years, but a dementia person cannot reason. They only think of what they want at the moment. So no amount of reasoning with him has worked.
We have him on some anti-anxiety meds and they do help but we hope to reassess his dementia meds and get him on something that will even him out more with this new change in life. A move like this is so disruptive to the elderly person. Mom is very happy to move, she has accepted that they can no longer do for themselves and she welcomes a place like this that will take care of their needs and has 3 meals a day that she doesn’t have to cook or clean up. Keeping them in their home had gotten too hard and we all had to face that fact.
So their one bedroom with a living room and bathroom space, with private balcony is all they need at this stage of life. We hope that dad will come to accept this move and adjust accordingly. He threatened to walk out and walk home several times, but we just have to keep working with him and trying to be patient until he can adjust and come around. Many have told me they’ve gone through the same thing and that the person usually adjust within a few weeks. We hope it’s sooner than that and maybe with a change of meds, it can happen faster. He goes from nice and normal back to manic, asking where are his car keys, he’s not staying here and he’s going to walk out and leave. He can’t believe we would do this to him, he feels betrayed and like we have treated him so badly. He can’t seem to understand that we have to do this for both of them. Dementia is a cruel disease.
So we do what we have to do at the moment and one of us is staying with them 24/7 at the moment. That’s hard and we know that’s not sustainable for the long haul, but for a few days we will try to get by. We can’t have him walking out the door and wandering the street. They do have memory care in this facility and he would have to be separated from mom to go in there, but that’s a possibility too for a short time. We hope he doesn’t have to do that, but we have to do what works too.
He’s got his favorite chair and they have everything they need here, including 3 meals a day. We sure hope that he can adjust and get used to the place. It’s been a hard road, but we are glad the move is over. We knew he would not react well so we weren’t surprised at his mood and anger, but we sure hope for the best. He goes from happy and normal back to mad and mean and we know that’s normal with dementia. Doesn’t make it easy, but we know it’s normal.
So that’s the quick update on the move. I know that so many people have been praying for us and we feel the prayers, so thank you so much. It’s a hard time and I know that so many of you have been through this same thing too so it helps to read your sweet notes about your own experiences. We have hope that he too can adjust and fit in and their new assisted living. It’s such a nice facility and it’s 5 minutes from my house, so that is such a good thing. I know we’ll be visiting there often and I look forward to the day when dad is settled in and actually liking where he lives now. We can’t go backward, we must continue to move forward for them. They have had such a wonderful blessed life and we are thankful for that. We hope these last years are comfortable, safe and that they can relax and enjoy their final years here on this earth.
Mom is already feeling more relaxed with the burden off her shoulders. I want that for her so much and we pray that daddy will adjust and do this for her. With dementia they can’t even reason compassion for someone else at times and he has a hard time letting go of his own feelings of loss and doing it for her, but we know that he can adjust. Mom will also have to grieve their house and moving on from the life they had there. I know it’s hard for both of them, but mom is accepting and ready. Thank you again for the prayers. It’s going to be a long road, but we hope sooner rather than later he settles in and adjusts to this new way of living in assisted living. It’s such a great place for them! I’ll be sharing more later as things progress but wanted to fill you all in on the move. It hasn’t been an easy weekend at all, but we are hopeful. Always hopeful!
Rhoda,
It’s not easy – but you and your family are making decisions out of love and that’s the way you know you are doing the right thing.
Thank you for this honest post. One of the things I cherish about your blog is that you are real, and willing to share difficult parts of your life.
Praying for you, your family and your parents.
My father is still living with my husband and me, but he’s 89, we’ve seen signs we also need to start planning for his future as we cannot physically take care of him if he digresses. We don’t want to wait till the last minute, and your parental posts have encouraged me.
Thank you and may God bless and ease your parents transition.
Continued prayers, Rhoda. It is such a rough road to navigate.
I feel for you and what you had to do and will be facing going forward…I have walked in your shoes. Usually they say do not stay with them, but let them be on their own at first. Also know the normal adjustment is around 3 months. I do hope it is sooner. Do not be surprised if he refuses to participate in activities at first. My dad wouldn’t but then he came to love bingo and made some men friends and one day told me how much he liked it there. You are right that reasoning just doesn’t work. It’s a lesson to us all that as we age to consider a move to a community when dementia is first diagnosed…the longer one waits the harder it is. And not to have you kids have to make that decision. Blessings and prayers for you and them.
Rhoda, you all have been on my mind all weekend. I lived through this with my father and I know how gut-wrenching and difficult it is. But you have no choice, this is for safety and comfort for everyone. I pray that your father can accept that. Stay strong.
Pam
I know it’s been a heart wrenching weekend. Knowing it is the right decision is a comfort I’m sure. Praying for you and your parents as y’all navigate this road.
Rhoda,
This is no easy situation that you are walking through right now. I have been there making these same decisions for my grandmother. Tears filled my eyes as I was watching your recent stories and heard the emotion in your voice during the last “parents lunch” in their home. You are demonstrating the caring love of Christ. I will continue to pray for you all in this transition.
Thank you for sharing so honestly about the transition with your parents. We had a very similar scenario with my parents and it is hard! Praying for you and your family!
I’ve been carrying you on my back from the day you were born, And I’ll keep on carrying you when you’re old. I’ll be there, bearing you when you’re old and gray. I’ve done it and will keep on doing it, carrying you on my back, saving you.”
Isaiah 46:4
Rhoda: We were able to keep my mom at home but I don’t think we could have managed 1 more week. Our backs were shot, patience gone, and grief palpable. Know that you have made the right decision and you’ve done it with great love and good intentions. Know that no matter what your dad says to you his love for you is unwavering. My thoughts are so with you Rhoda. I’ve already apologized to my kids. Cancer is a piece of cake compared to dementia.
My mom & stepdad locked themselves into a mental, physical & spiritual connection to their home & property, way too big for them. Refused to consider moving. My sibs & I lived for five+ years in fear of a horrible accident or fire, dealing with healthcare providers at some distance. Makes me purposeful about keeping a looser grip on my own home, as just a house, a huge blessing and source of enjoyment, but not my sole identity. I hope & pray the adjustment goes quicker than expected for your sweet folks and your remaining years are filled with special moments.
Rho,
You and your Mom and Dad have been on my heart and mind so much this past week. You know how much that I love your family. Its not an easy thing to do -move your loved ones out of their home, but its the best thing. From your stories I can tell that your Mother already looks better. It has to be a relief for her. It will take some time for your Dad. My Daddy was mad at my Brothers and me for a long time, but then he adjusted. My continued prayers for you.
It is a lovely place in Acworth where they are now. They fact that they are close to you is such a blessing. You girls are doing a wonderful job taking care of your parents.
Love You Friend,
Judy
Rhoda, Your mother’s continued comments to your father about how much more relaxed, peaceful, happy she is there may finally get through to your father. Even if he feels that he doesn’t like being there at this point, he may remember (sort of) that it’s helping her…especially if she continues to tell him. Good luck! We went through this with my father. He loved the food, and would pocket a handful of cookies up to his room after every meal!
Dear Rhoda
It’s one of the hardest things my brother and I ever had to do. My brother was here for the move and a few days after. But then he had to fly back to Texas. Mom was so mad and it was me she was mad at, because I’m the one here.
Having to do what was the best for her, she never understood but she finally adapted somewhat after about a month. I visited her everyday unless I was out of town, for all of her days (until the pandemic). I’m thankful I did that. My brother came twice a year from Texas (I’m in Ohio). He helped me as best he could and I didn’t feel alone most of the time. The Lord gave me the strength and courage to do this.
My prayers are with your whole family. God will be with you every step of the way, that He promises.
Sending lots of hugs and prayers.
I was so hoping the transition would be easier. Now just pray it will get better soon.
I have followed you and your sweet parents for years and loved when he helped you with your last house also the special gardens over the years….
In my prayers!
Rhoda, this breaks my heart. I know this was so hard for you and your family, even though it is the best thing. Take it one day at a time. My prayers are with all of you.
Rhoda, if I can help in any way, please let me know. I totally understand where you are but I also understand how your dad is feeling. I went through so much with my mom. Can they have visitors? I would love to stop by and see them. Praying for them as well as you and Renee.
I have been there and know how very difficult it is for all. You have done the right and best thing. Prayers for all that he will adjust better soon. Those last few years of their lives will probably be quite a journey, but God will sustain you as you help them navigate everything. Blessings to you.
Big hugs, Rhoda! I have been in your shoes and it is one of the difficult scenarios I have dealt with. My father had passed for 3 years and Mom had her knee replaced. She went into nursing home care for recovery and staff tested her abilities & recommended she enter assisted living. My brother and I were the worst children she told us. How could we make this drastic decision to move her off her farm into town 8 miles away? We did and moved forward. Staff advised us not to visit very often during the first two weeks of transition as her anger was so great, but to check by phone which we did. When I went to visit after two weeks, she happily told me that she didn’t have to cook, they made her bed everyday and cleaned her apartment. She could even have staff do her laundry. Many friends were living there. She said exactly this “I am so glad I decided to move here. It’s the best decision I ever made!” She was so happy but in her mind, it was now her idea and we were relieved. She lived there for 11 years and they were some of the best of her life. I do hope your father will come to enjoy where he and your Mom are living. As children we want the best for our aging parents to live a happy, full and safe life. Be strong and keep the faith!
I know this was so hard for all of you and I hope that your parents will quickly adapt to life in their new apartment.
Thank you for sharing this journey – I am not as old as your dear parents but am retired and lost of husband of 52 years three yours ago. I live close to both my daughters. I have found a lovely facility close to us all and have chosen to move to this independent living facility with the ability to progress to assisted or memory care in the future. I’m mostly moving for the safety and the social aspect. It’s been hard to live alone and take care of my home. I am setting myself up for my future. I’ve recently heard it’s better to move 5 years too soon than 5 years too late. I know your family has made the right decision for them both out of love and dedication to them. I pray for all of you during this period.
oh, my heart Rhoda! We did this with my dad several years ago, and it was so hard for him to give up his independence. I knew he was safer, and he did acclimate after a while, but frequent visits helped a lot, and I’m sure between all of you, they will be kept very busy! Many prayers for you all.