Oh friends, it’s been a hard few days. We were all dreading the moving day for mom and dad to assisted living. Even though you know something’s coming, you don’t quite know how to prepare for it and life is so hard at this stage. I’ve had friends who have gone through this with aging parents with dementia and that makes moving and change even harder So even though we knew all that, it’s still hard to prepare for the actual scenario of moving parents to assisted living. One knew about the move and was heavily involved in the planning. The other one was blind sided, which is never a good thing, but we knew already by talking to dad about moving in general the last month that he would never agree to leave his house ever, so what do you do? You make the hard decisions for them and do what you have to do and that’s what my sister and niece and I have done for my parents.
One day he’s sitting on his driveway under the shade and the next day he’s moving to assisted living. Lauren and Renee came home last Wednesday to prepare for this and we had our game plan in place, but it’s still not easy at all. We knew it would be bad and we were right.
This was taken just before the move on their carport. Dad still thinks that he can take care of the house and that things are still running around there as usual, but the burden of the house, finances, meals, and everything else has been on mom’s shoulders for several years now, since dad’s memory has been going with dementia. He’s been on a memory med for a few years now, but it’s time to make some changes with that to help him through this time of life.
We had the movers all lined up and with precision timing, my sister and I, along with Bruce my BIL went over and packed up what they would need to take to assisted living to make their one bedroom apartment homey and comfortable for them. I knew all the suggestions. Take their favorite things and make it feel as much like home as possible. So we took their recliners, TV and their bedroom furniture and a few other things that would fit to make it as cozy as possible. I’ll show pics of that later on, but I wanted to give you all a quick update after the move on Friday. We got things looking so nice and comfortable. They have a private balcony and we moved their outdoor furniture out there along with my dad’s rocking chair and it will be a good place for him to sit outside, once he gets acclimated.
Lauren kept them occupied the whole day and then finally after 3:00 we were ready for them to come over. Dad was jovial with the big welcome at first, he had no idea why they were there, but he joked around with them as he can do with folks. We took them up to their room and gave them a tour around and then he began asking the questions.
Why are we here, what are we doing here? The more we talked to him the madder he got.
We are using the idea that they are there for 2 weeks for mom to get help and a break. That she’s no longer able to care for them and do their meals and all of the things that she’s been doing. A normal person could reason this out and do what it takes for their mate of 68 years, but a dementia person cannot reason. They only think of what they want at the moment. So no amount of reasoning with him has worked.
We have him on some anti-anxiety meds and they do help but we hope to reassess his dementia meds and get him on something that will even him out more with this new change in life. A move like this is so disruptive to the elderly person. Mom is very happy to move, she has accepted that they can no longer do for themselves and she welcomes a place like this that will take care of their needs and has 3 meals a day that she doesn’t have to cook or clean up. Keeping them in their home had gotten too hard and we all had to face that fact.
So their one bedroom with a living room and bathroom space, with private balcony is all they need at this stage of life. We hope that dad will come to accept this move and adjust accordingly. He threatened to walk out and walk home several times, but we just have to keep working with him and trying to be patient until he can adjust and come around. Many have told me they’ve gone through the same thing and that the person usually adjust within a few weeks. We hope it’s sooner than that and maybe with a change of meds, it can happen faster. He goes from nice and normal back to manic, asking where are his car keys, he’s not staying here and he’s going to walk out and leave. He can’t believe we would do this to him, he feels betrayed and like we have treated him so badly. He can’t seem to understand that we have to do this for both of them. Dementia is a cruel disease.
So we do what we have to do at the moment and one of us is staying with them 24/7 at the moment. That’s hard and we know that’s not sustainable for the long haul, but for a few days we will try to get by. We can’t have him walking out the door and wandering the street. They do have memory care in this facility and he would have to be separated from mom to go in there, but that’s a possibility too for a short time. We hope he doesn’t have to do that, but we have to do what works too.
He’s got his favorite chair and they have everything they need here, including 3 meals a day. We sure hope that he can adjust and get used to the place. It’s been a hard road, but we are glad the move is over. We knew he would not react well so we weren’t surprised at his mood and anger, but we sure hope for the best. He goes from happy and normal back to mad and mean and we know that’s normal with dementia. Doesn’t make it easy, but we know it’s normal.
So that’s the quick update on the move. I know that so many people have been praying for us and we feel the prayers, so thank you so much. It’s a hard time and I know that so many of you have been through this same thing too so it helps to read your sweet notes about your own experiences. We have hope that he too can adjust and fit in and their new assisted living. It’s such a nice facility and it’s 5 minutes from my house, so that is such a good thing. I know we’ll be visiting there often and I look forward to the day when dad is settled in and actually liking where he lives now. We can’t go backward, we must continue to move forward for them. They have had such a wonderful blessed life and we are thankful for that. We hope these last years are comfortable, safe and that they can relax and enjoy their final years here on this earth.
Mom is already feeling more relaxed with the burden off her shoulders. I want that for her so much and we pray that daddy will adjust and do this for her. With dementia they can’t even reason compassion for someone else at times and he has a hard time letting go of his own feelings of loss and doing it for her, but we know that he can adjust. Mom will also have to grieve their house and moving on from the life they had there. I know it’s hard for both of them, but mom is accepting and ready. Thank you again for the prayers. It’s going to be a long road, but we hope sooner rather than later he settles in and adjusts to this new way of living in assisted living. It’s such a great place for them! I’ll be sharing more later as things progress but wanted to fill you all in on the move. It hasn’t been an easy weekend at all, but we are hopeful. Always hopeful!
Oh Rhoda how I feel your pain. You already see the huge difference in dealing with your Mom who can reason things and your Dad that cannot. You have made the right decision for both of them even though it will take time for your Dad. One positive is that he has his partner with him. In time that will help him. When the time came that we had to get my Mom in residence she was adamant she wasn’t moving from her house, but within a week or so she was settled. She’d met some nice people and loved the care givers. One thing the residence recommended is that we not be there all the time at first and let her partake in activities in the residence and get to meet people. Not wanting to tell you what to do, I just wanted to pass this along. Not an easy journey that is for sure and yes dementia is a cruel disease. Don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Take care
I walked that path with my dad……threatened suicide, wished he had his pistol, would jump off the roof if it were a 2 story building. He started in assisted living, and after 12 months we moved him to memory care…..it is not an easy journey…….
Thank you so much for sharing this experience. I, too, have made this journey, and it is so difficult. But, you are definitely doing the right thing, being proactive for your parents’ care. And you have been so thoughtful in making their new home so lovely and familiar by surrounding them with their favorite things. I wish I had been more prepared for the move I made for my father a few years ago. Your journey is very meaningful to many people who are at this juncture in life. Thank you.
Will continue to pray for your folks, and the rest of you too! My parents died relatively young so we did not experience what you are going through.
Giving up our independence is never easy. Harder when we lose the mentation to process such an event. Your precious parent are a part of out lives too, and will be in our prayers. I hope they have a long enjoyable life there. I loved the red carpet!
We went through this with my mom after her accident and fall September 2020. She was here with us for a few months but she hated it and was mean the whole time. We moved her back to her house with 24 hour care but it was so expensive. And she wasn’t herself with the aids coming and going. She threatened to take the whole bottle of Tylenol on more than one occasion which is so hard to hear knowing she is saved and was a pastor’s wife. She had a second surgery in June and I finally was able to convince her to move into assisted living after her two month stay in rehab. Thankfully she is back to herself and adjusting fine. We just sold her house. Praying things settle down for your dad!!!
Dearest Rhoda, I’m in tears reading all this and feel each and every word. I have gone through similar situation with my parents and it’s so difficult but know it’s the right thing to do. I have followed you for several years and have so enjoyed you sharing your parents life ups and downs have prayed for them so many times and have so enjoyed sharing so many stories of them with my family and friends. I lost my husband 2-1/2 years ago and it’s so lonely without him and I miss him so much. Many times as I visited your blog I got strength so many times from you to go on. Just reading your blog or FB page keeps me going. Thank you so much and I will be praying for your parents and your dad in their new journey and for you and your family to have strength during this time of change. Your parents raised wonderful and caring children I’m I’m fortunate to have found you. May God bless you and yours!
Very hard journey. My mom, a wonderful Christian lady, called me terrible names. Never heard such words out of her before. It was awful. She didn’t want to move out of her home after daddy died. She is legally blind now, so there was no choice. She lived 3 hours away and I needed her near me. I survived it and so did she. She is extremely happy now. Tells me she loves it and feels very safe. There is always, always hope! But it is exhausting, physically and mentally!!
I’m glad that they are moved in. Praying your Dad will adjust quickly. I’m so happy your little Mama is where she won’t have to cook, or clean unless she wants to. I know it’s too soon but I hope they have an area (maybe some raised beds) where your Dad could have a snall place to garden, even on their patio. My Mom’s assisted living had a garden area where the residents could grow tomatoes, peppers and flowers. I know this was hard but the right thing to do. Hugs to you!
I have been in the same situation with my mother and honestly, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Lots of tears on both sides. It got better with my mother with time, she was threating to walk out, shoot herself (not sure with what LOL), stayed in her room, etc. It took some time but she came to love the place and the people there and I had piece of mind that she was safe and cared for by good people. I also will say what others have said, they told me to limit visits the first couple weeks to help her get acclimated and as hard as that was, it seemed to help her adjust.
Ugh. My heart just breaks for both of them and for all of you as well. My momma literally screamed and cursed and told us to get out when we had to move her. After we moved her she told me how much she liked it there. I was astonished. I asked her if she remember how she behaved and she just smiled. It was so nice to visit with her after that bc we could just sit and enjoy our time together and not always have to be taking care of her. Might I suggest doing things for them that they would have done at home? An example is decorating for each holiday and Christmas. My momma did that at home so we really did it up in her room. It made the change easier for her. Praying for God to wrap his arms around all of you and give you His peace.
You must be so mentally and physically exhausted!! This is such a hard thing to do but your doing the right thing. I could tell from your stories that your mom was smiling a lot more in the last couple of weeks. It must have been very hard for her to keep up with all the cooking and cleaning she did. She definitely needs a rest. Hopefully with some medication your father will settle down and begin to enjoy his new home. Keeping you in my prayers!
I have also been through this and nothing is harder to do. I highly encourage you to get the book “Awakening from Alzheimer’s.” I just attended an on-line seminar and I wish I had known some of the information I learned for my mother (passed away in 2000) who had Parkinson’s dementia. Some of the suggestions from the on-line course include a lot of info on diet and other suggestions. There is also a Facebook page. Some folks had some amazing results. It would also help for our generation!
Dear Rhoda
Prayers continue your dad will settle down bless him
Keep up your strength
I feel for you and the family. This is hard to deal with, but it will get better in time! We have been there and done that! One thing you must remember is to take care of yourself as well. They are in good hands there at the assisted living center, but I know it is so hard to relax!
Your mom and dad are such precious, sweet people. Dementia is such a mean disease.
Thinking of all of you !
In prayer for you all Rhoda. Brings back such difficult memories. My Mum held out too long caring for my poor Dad with dementia and blindness. He so depended on her. He was so angry at everyone and everything. It is one of the cruelest diseases ever. He ended up unknowingly in memory care one place and she went to a nursing home in another place. She was in a hospital with a stroke when he passed away. We took her in a wheel chair accessible van to the funeral and then back to the hospital. She never liked the nursing home, kept to herself, but accepted her lot in life, as she always did. She was worn out. Your Mom so reminds me of her…very slight in stature, but a mighty and strong force. To be half the women our mothers are/were. It still hurts to think of her and it’s been seven years. God Bless you all. Easy for me to say, but things will get a little better, if not a whole lot better. Sending warm hugs.
Rhonda, I’ve thought of you guys and prayed for you often over the last few days and weeks. I haven’t walked this journey, my parents died in their early 70’s, but I feel you love, compassion and pain as you navigate this phase of your life. Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest. Your dad has been a faithful Man of God and his Spirit Man doesn’t have dementia. I ask the Holy Spirit to speak to his inner being and bring him peace. Bless you sweet mom and all your wonderful family. You remain in my prayers.
I took care of my mom after I retired, I set her up in my dining room. She had dementia and Alzheimer’s. One thing about a person with Alzheimer’s is their never satisfy about anything. She would scream all night, an when I would go down to ask her why she’s screaming, she would say I’m not screaming! So In the end after 2 1/2 years she didn’t know who I was, but I think deep down in her drain she did. She was 91 years old, love you mom ❤️
Come this Friday it will be 4 yrs that we lost my father. It was just this past June that my mother passed. There are 7 of us “kids” and four of them live out of state or the country. A lot of the “help” caretaker landed on a few of us. One brother dedicated the last 16 yrs and helped them (he moved in with them) and he also helped others in the family. When he was not able I was the next person.
My parents lived on their “own” with one of their sons living there with them. They did not want to move to an assisted living place. Stubborn. But I think we did the best we could for them.
Miss them.
I enjoy so much when your dad would pray for your weekly lunches. I wonder if he could do prayers in the dining room for the other residents? Maybe he would feel needed & he’s getting to do his life calling. Good luck with it all!
Shar