Oh friends, it’s been a hard few days. We were all dreading the moving day for mom and dad to assisted living. Even though you know something’s coming, you don’t quite know how to prepare for it and life is so hard at this stage. I’ve had friends who have gone through this with aging parents with dementia and that makes moving and change even harder So even though we knew all that, it’s still hard to prepare for the actual scenario of moving parents to assisted living. One knew about the move and was heavily involved in the planning. The other one was blind sided, which is never a good thing, but we knew already by talking to dad about moving in general the last month that he would never agree to leave his house ever, so what do you do? You make the hard decisions for them and do what you have to do and that’s what my sister and niece and I have done for my parents.
One day he’s sitting on his driveway under the shade and the next day he’s moving to assisted living. Lauren and Renee came home last Wednesday to prepare for this and we had our game plan in place, but it’s still not easy at all. We knew it would be bad and we were right.
This was taken just before the move on their carport. Dad still thinks that he can take care of the house and that things are still running around there as usual, but the burden of the house, finances, meals, and everything else has been on mom’s shoulders for several years now, since dad’s memory has been going with dementia. He’s been on a memory med for a few years now, but it’s time to make some changes with that to help him through this time of life.
We had the movers all lined up and with precision timing, my sister and I, along with Bruce my BIL went over and packed up what they would need to take to assisted living to make their one bedroom apartment homey and comfortable for them. I knew all the suggestions. Take their favorite things and make it feel as much like home as possible. So we took their recliners, TV and their bedroom furniture and a few other things that would fit to make it as cozy as possible. I’ll show pics of that later on, but I wanted to give you all a quick update after the move on Friday. We got things looking so nice and comfortable. They have a private balcony and we moved their outdoor furniture out there along with my dad’s rocking chair and it will be a good place for him to sit outside, once he gets acclimated.
Lauren kept them occupied the whole day and then finally after 3:00 we were ready for them to come over. Dad was jovial with the big welcome at first, he had no idea why they were there, but he joked around with them as he can do with folks. We took them up to their room and gave them a tour around and then he began asking the questions.
Why are we here, what are we doing here? The more we talked to him the madder he got.
We are using the idea that they are there for 2 weeks for mom to get help and a break. That she’s no longer able to care for them and do their meals and all of the things that she’s been doing. A normal person could reason this out and do what it takes for their mate of 68 years, but a dementia person cannot reason. They only think of what they want at the moment. So no amount of reasoning with him has worked.
We have him on some anti-anxiety meds and they do help but we hope to reassess his dementia meds and get him on something that will even him out more with this new change in life. A move like this is so disruptive to the elderly person. Mom is very happy to move, she has accepted that they can no longer do for themselves and she welcomes a place like this that will take care of their needs and has 3 meals a day that she doesn’t have to cook or clean up. Keeping them in their home had gotten too hard and we all had to face that fact.
So their one bedroom with a living room and bathroom space, with private balcony is all they need at this stage of life. We hope that dad will come to accept this move and adjust accordingly. He threatened to walk out and walk home several times, but we just have to keep working with him and trying to be patient until he can adjust and come around. Many have told me they’ve gone through the same thing and that the person usually adjust within a few weeks. We hope it’s sooner than that and maybe with a change of meds, it can happen faster. He goes from nice and normal back to manic, asking where are his car keys, he’s not staying here and he’s going to walk out and leave. He can’t believe we would do this to him, he feels betrayed and like we have treated him so badly. He can’t seem to understand that we have to do this for both of them. Dementia is a cruel disease.
So we do what we have to do at the moment and one of us is staying with them 24/7 at the moment. That’s hard and we know that’s not sustainable for the long haul, but for a few days we will try to get by. We can’t have him walking out the door and wandering the street. They do have memory care in this facility and he would have to be separated from mom to go in there, but that’s a possibility too for a short time. We hope he doesn’t have to do that, but we have to do what works too.
He’s got his favorite chair and they have everything they need here, including 3 meals a day. We sure hope that he can adjust and get used to the place. It’s been a hard road, but we are glad the move is over. We knew he would not react well so we weren’t surprised at his mood and anger, but we sure hope for the best. He goes from happy and normal back to mad and mean and we know that’s normal with dementia. Doesn’t make it easy, but we know it’s normal.
So that’s the quick update on the move. I know that so many people have been praying for us and we feel the prayers, so thank you so much. It’s a hard time and I know that so many of you have been through this same thing too so it helps to read your sweet notes about your own experiences. We have hope that he too can adjust and fit in and their new assisted living. It’s such a nice facility and it’s 5 minutes from my house, so that is such a good thing. I know we’ll be visiting there often and I look forward to the day when dad is settled in and actually liking where he lives now. We can’t go backward, we must continue to move forward for them. They have had such a wonderful blessed life and we are thankful for that. We hope these last years are comfortable, safe and that they can relax and enjoy their final years here on this earth.
Mom is already feeling more relaxed with the burden off her shoulders. I want that for her so much and we pray that daddy will adjust and do this for her. With dementia they can’t even reason compassion for someone else at times and he has a hard time letting go of his own feelings of loss and doing it for her, but we know that he can adjust. Mom will also have to grieve their house and moving on from the life they had there. I know it’s hard for both of them, but mom is accepting and ready. Thank you again for the prayers. It’s going to be a long road, but we hope sooner rather than later he settles in and adjusts to this new way of living in assisted living. It’s such a great place for them! I’ll be sharing more later as things progress but wanted to fill you all in on the move. It hasn’t been an easy weekend at all, but we are hopeful. Always hopeful!
Sweet Rhoda! Y’all have been in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so sorry for the difficulty in getting your daddy settled. Know that you are doing the best you can for them. Continued thoughts and prayers coming your way.
Have been praying for your family for awhile and for you and Mark. It’s going to be difficult and could get worse before it’s gets better, but it will get better and changes and constant worrying is hard. Please know you can count on me for kind words and if I lived closer I would go walk and pray with him daily. Keep your spirits up and hang on and you know with God anything is possible.
I’m so sorry Rhoda that your family is experiencing this. Such a difficult position for everyone. Praying that things will improve with time, and your Dad will accept his new circumstances.
Penny
Thanks for the update. Please know I and so many others are praying for you all. Peace comfort and strength
Rhoda. I can feel the pain in your writing. I am so sorry for you and your family going through this. This we know, God is good and faithful. He will see yall through. I’m praying for a quick understanding and acceptance in your father. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. Love and prayers. Libby
Reliving my own experience of placing my dad with dementia many years ago. He thought he was going to a fancy hotel and accepted it. I really feel what you’re going through, Rhoda. Praying for Gods mercy and grace and peace to cover you all. You are honoring your mother and father by protecting and respecting their needs. 💜
God bless you all!!
🙏🙏🙏
I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this difficult time. I pray that your Dad’s new medication will greatly help him and he will come around sooner than later. God bless your sweet mama as she goes through this time of transition, and I hope she’ll get the break she very much deserves. Keeping you and your family in my prayers…
What an incredibly tough situation, Rhoda. Praying for your Dad in this transition and the rest of you as you continue to lovingly care for both of your parents!
Rhoda: I understand as I have been through this at least six times and most recently with my husband’s uncle who never married and had Parkinson’s as well as Lewy Body dementia. The personality change is astonishing and the mood changes are dramatic and at warp speed. We tried to console ourselves with the fact that the person we loved was no longer there , the disease had taken over his mind and we couldn’t take it personally, but the days, weeks, months and years were long and hard. You all will get through it and so will your mom. Keep the faith and enjoy the sweet moments when they come. Sending you prayers ,grace and strength.
Deborah
Continued prayers for your family! It’s so hard for the family! I know it’s hard for them too! My mother-in-law told me I wasn’t the boss of her! And she contacted her lawyer who sent a threatening letter to my husband because he took her car keys. As her Alzheimer’s worsened, she calmed down. It’s so sad! You did the right thing!
Thought of you and your family on October 1st and thought all of you would be having a tough time. Thanks for sharing the move of your parents. Many of us will be needing to do this and its so difficult for everyone.
I just feel for you and your parents. Yes we have been through it, and it breaks my heart knowing the pain you and they are going through. I remember telling my mother I felt like parental respect had turned to parental neglect letting her stay in her house.
So many people are praying for your good, kind parents and for you and the rest of your family. So glad Renee and Lauren came and are so involved. Lauren is a good granddaughter!
Prayers for all of your family. It is not easy. My sister, mom and I are meeting with her Dr this Thursday as we (he) tells her she can no longer live alone, due to health and memory. She has been widowed 31 years and is used to her own time and space. Right now she has 24 hr sitter care due to a recent fall. ((Hugs))
Rhoda, I truly feel for you going through this terrible but necessary decision. My husband is a victim of AlZ and as his memory and cognition fade I, too, worry about what decision I will have to make someday. Tears were rolling down my cheeks while reading. You and the rest of your family are in my prayers. I can feel your pain.
God is in the valley and in the mountain, He will help you all through. We might fail but He never does. Pray that the Lord pour peace and grace in the place where your parents are. That Holy Spirit be with them day and night.
Your mom Iris have the same of my.
God blessed for taking care of your parents and honoring them. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Oh Rhoda. I am so very sorry y’all are going through such a challenging time with your mom and dad. I love them and your whole family so much. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you. My mom is still grieving her move after 2 years. She has just had to stop driving and is not coping well with that. She’s really been depressed lately. I have never seen her deal with depression in her whole life until now. It’s so hard for them to deal with all these changes and loss of independence. Just praying for everyone going through this. My love to you, Renee, Lauren, your parents and all your family.
Thank you, Janet, I know that you all know what we are facing as you do with your own mom. That generation has been so stoic and independent for so long and it’s hard for them to accept help. Love you all too!
No truer words…hardest thing you have ever done..had to put my mother in a memory care facility, but with time he will forget that this isn’t his home ..praying that this is sooner than later…thoughts and prayers🙏🏻🙏🏻💕Linda McCoy from Texas
Hi Rhoda. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. Please know that there are many of us who are sending loving thoughts and prayers your way.
So many of us (too many) have experienced similar situations with our parents and the one thing for sure is that it is not easy. You are blessed (as was I) that you have the support of family and that your parents were able to transition to a lovely place close to you.
Dealing with dementia is not for the faint-hearted as you know. Hold on to your faith and know that God is with you through your journey. Hugs.
I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dear Rhoda, I know how difficult and raw this is right now, but you will get to the other side of it. Your Daddy will adjust sooner than you think; isn’t it a huge blessing that your parents are together for this transition? That reduces the “fear factor” by an order of magnitude. It might seem counter-intuitive, but his anger is likely manifesting during his lucid periods rather than during non-lucid moments. Those are the times when he fully realizes that his life has changed dramatically, and thus feels like he has no control. Casually reinforce in him that he has always made the best decisions for his family, and that this is just one more good decision that *he* has made for your Mom and himself. Prayers for you and your entire family.