Oh friends, it’s been a hard few days. We were all dreading the moving day for mom and dad to assisted living. Even though you know something’s coming, you don’t quite know how to prepare for it and life is so hard at this stage. I’ve had friends who have gone through this with aging parents with dementia and that makes moving and change even harder So even though we knew all that, it’s still hard to prepare for the actual scenario of moving parents to assisted living. One knew about the move and was heavily involved in the planning. The other one was blind sided, which is never a good thing, but we knew already by talking to dad about moving in general the last month that he would never agree to leave his house ever, so what do you do? You make the hard decisions for them and do what you have to do and that’s what my sister and niece and I have done for my parents.
One day he’s sitting on his driveway under the shade and the next day he’s moving to assisted living. Lauren and Renee came home last Wednesday to prepare for this and we had our game plan in place, but it’s still not easy at all. We knew it would be bad and we were right.
This was taken just before the move on their carport. Dad still thinks that he can take care of the house and that things are still running around there as usual, but the burden of the house, finances, meals, and everything else has been on mom’s shoulders for several years now, since dad’s memory has been going with dementia. He’s been on a memory med for a few years now, but it’s time to make some changes with that to help him through this time of life.
We had the movers all lined up and with precision timing, my sister and I, along with Bruce my BIL went over and packed up what they would need to take to assisted living to make their one bedroom apartment homey and comfortable for them. I knew all the suggestions. Take their favorite things and make it feel as much like home as possible. So we took their recliners, TV and their bedroom furniture and a few other things that would fit to make it as cozy as possible. I’ll show pics of that later on, but I wanted to give you all a quick update after the move on Friday. We got things looking so nice and comfortable. They have a private balcony and we moved their outdoor furniture out there along with my dad’s rocking chair and it will be a good place for him to sit outside, once he gets acclimated.
Lauren kept them occupied the whole day and then finally after 3:00 we were ready for them to come over. Dad was jovial with the big welcome at first, he had no idea why they were there, but he joked around with them as he can do with folks. We took them up to their room and gave them a tour around and then he began asking the questions.
Why are we here, what are we doing here? The more we talked to him the madder he got.
We are using the idea that they are there for 2 weeks for mom to get help and a break. That she’s no longer able to care for them and do their meals and all of the things that she’s been doing. A normal person could reason this out and do what it takes for their mate of 68 years, but a dementia person cannot reason. They only think of what they want at the moment. So no amount of reasoning with him has worked.
We have him on some anti-anxiety meds and they do help but we hope to reassess his dementia meds and get him on something that will even him out more with this new change in life. A move like this is so disruptive to the elderly person. Mom is very happy to move, she has accepted that they can no longer do for themselves and she welcomes a place like this that will take care of their needs and has 3 meals a day that she doesn’t have to cook or clean up. Keeping them in their home had gotten too hard and we all had to face that fact.
So their one bedroom with a living room and bathroom space, with private balcony is all they need at this stage of life. We hope that dad will come to accept this move and adjust accordingly. He threatened to walk out and walk home several times, but we just have to keep working with him and trying to be patient until he can adjust and come around. Many have told me they’ve gone through the same thing and that the person usually adjust within a few weeks. We hope it’s sooner than that and maybe with a change of meds, it can happen faster. He goes from nice and normal back to manic, asking where are his car keys, he’s not staying here and he’s going to walk out and leave. He can’t believe we would do this to him, he feels betrayed and like we have treated him so badly. He can’t seem to understand that we have to do this for both of them. Dementia is a cruel disease.
So we do what we have to do at the moment and one of us is staying with them 24/7 at the moment. That’s hard and we know that’s not sustainable for the long haul, but for a few days we will try to get by. We can’t have him walking out the door and wandering the street. They do have memory care in this facility and he would have to be separated from mom to go in there, but that’s a possibility too for a short time. We hope he doesn’t have to do that, but we have to do what works too.
He’s got his favorite chair and they have everything they need here, including 3 meals a day. We sure hope that he can adjust and get used to the place. It’s been a hard road, but we are glad the move is over. We knew he would not react well so we weren’t surprised at his mood and anger, but we sure hope for the best. He goes from happy and normal back to mad and mean and we know that’s normal with dementia. Doesn’t make it easy, but we know it’s normal.
So that’s the quick update on the move. I know that so many people have been praying for us and we feel the prayers, so thank you so much. It’s a hard time and I know that so many of you have been through this same thing too so it helps to read your sweet notes about your own experiences. We have hope that he too can adjust and fit in and their new assisted living. It’s such a nice facility and it’s 5 minutes from my house, so that is such a good thing. I know we’ll be visiting there often and I look forward to the day when dad is settled in and actually liking where he lives now. We can’t go backward, we must continue to move forward for them. They have had such a wonderful blessed life and we are thankful for that. We hope these last years are comfortable, safe and that they can relax and enjoy their final years here on this earth.
Mom is already feeling more relaxed with the burden off her shoulders. I want that for her so much and we pray that daddy will adjust and do this for her. With dementia they can’t even reason compassion for someone else at times and he has a hard time letting go of his own feelings of loss and doing it for her, but we know that he can adjust. Mom will also have to grieve their house and moving on from the life they had there. I know it’s hard for both of them, but mom is accepting and ready. Thank you again for the prayers. It’s going to be a long road, but we hope sooner rather than later he settles in and adjusts to this new way of living in assisted living. It’s such a great place for them! I’ll be sharing more later as things progress but wanted to fill you all in on the move. It hasn’t been an easy weekend at all, but we are hopeful. Always hopeful!
Like many others, my sister and I went through this with my sweet mother. My advice to you is not to be afraid of having your dad placed in the memory care unit. Our hesitancy was unfounded after our mom made the move. The staff was the best and the sweetest, and was able to be much more attentive to her than when she was in the previous unit. How sweet that the facility literally rolled out the red carpet for them.
Thank you for sharing your story, Rhoda! I’m praying for your parents and the rest of your family as you all make this transition. My mother in law lives with us and while her dementia is not as bad as your father’s seems to be we have been through many of the same situations. It is very difficult realizing a once highly intelligent, kind and caring person can no longer be logical or reason or show empathy. Praying for all of you!
Bless you for doing what you can for your MIL.
My prayer of affirmation…”Each and every day, Arthur is getting better in every way.” Turning point could be the moment Arthur realizes the opportunity and responsibility the Lord has entrusted him with…to minister to, pray with and be a shining, joyful Christian example to his new friends and neighbors. Can only imagine the powerful example he is setting…each time he enters the dining room and leads Iris and others nearby in one of his beautiful meal blessings. Rhoda, God has this. Blessings.
Thank you, JR, it’s actually Albert. But I’m afraid when he’s in his manic state that his Christian countenance isn’t showing very well. We hope that can change with the right meds.
My prayers are with you and your parents. I am a nurse and quit my public job 20 years ago to take care of my Mom and Dad. It was a very difficult job trying to take care of them and my own family for those 20 years. First Mom had Alzheimer’s and Dad was able to provide me with some help in caring for her until she passed. However after she passed in 2013 he was diagnosed with Dementia and it was very difficult but I kept him home until he passed just last year. I pray that your Dad adjust to his new environment. My Dad refused any changes.
Hugs to you & your family. It’s not easy but it’s the Best for all. Sending prayers that he sees that. Maybe have some plants to add to there new home so he can tend to them.
Rhoda, thanks for sharing your dear Mama and Daddy’s move to their new home. What a blessing it is to have them in their new place. Your dear Mama will be so happy and we pray that your Daddy will be happy there as well even though it may take a bit longer for him. We will pray that his new meds will relieve some of the anxiety he has. It is so hard for you and your precious family to see your Daddy not settling in so well. We will continue to keep all of you in our thoughts and prayers. Dear Rhoda, the Lord will bless you for everything you have done for your dear parents. You have been a wonderful daughter! Don’t ever look back and question your decision. You have made the best decision for your dear Mama & Daddy. You are going to see how happy your Mama is here in her new home! So happy that she won’t have to worry about meals anymore! How wonderful! May the good Lord continue to bless you all and give you peace in knowing that you made the best decision! May you continue to feel all the prayers that are going up for you all! Rhoda, you are so precious in God’s sight — and in ours! We all love you so much! Please give your dear Mama & Daddy a hug and let them know that they are being prayed for each and every day! We just feel like we are family because you have always made them so much a part of us, too! Rhoda, once things settle down a bit, do you think that you could give me their address as I would like to send them a card! Thanks, Rhoda!
HI, Mary Ann, I’d love for you all to send them cards, so just email me and I’ll share an address with you. [email protected]
Our family has ‘been there, done that’ with my mom and know the difficulty of this season of life. My prayer for you is peace and an assurance that you all are doing the very best thing for your sweet parents. I’m also praying for protection, an extra thick skin, for when your dad behaves in way that is unpleasant or mean. The personality changes were some of the hardest things for us as my mom’s family. I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t really my mom saying things, it was the fault of her brain that didn’t function like it used to and we needed to just let words roll off. Hang in there and be sure to take care of yourself, get sleep, eat well, hydrate and spend some time in the sunshine (all the things).
Blessings
Dear Rhoda and Family,
Praise God that you have come together to support each other as a family to make this difficult decision of moving your parents!
I have been praying for you and your parents for this move. God is good, even through the tough times! I will continue to pray that settling in will come quickly, sooner than later! Your mom seems to be a bit more lighthearted in your last IG posts, this must truly feel like a relief as you stated, I’m happy for her!
Thank you for sharing your life as it encourages me as you walk by faith!
God Bless!
Carla
Your parents are precious! I’ve loved seeing them over the years. Thank you for sharing them with us. You and your family have been in my prayers. Praying that they get settled and things calm down. Take care and may God continue to keep His hand on this precious family!
Prayers for your entire family. This is extremely hard for all of you, but their safety is the priority.
Many prayers for your precious family!
I know it was hard on you and Renee to move your parents. They are both so fortunate and very blessed, to have such wonderful daughters to help and take care of them. God has given your parents a wonderful life. I pray their lives are full of goodness and blessings as long as they are here. I know God will bless you and your sister for taking wonderful care of them. Love ❤️ you and your family.
I am praying for all of you, may God comfort your Dad and give him peace. We had to separate my parents after 73 years…they were both 100. My Dad had broken his ankle and in rehab he started having TIAs…he was not able to go back home after these started. My sister and brother in law still had Mom in her apartment in their house. Mom worried about what she would do if Daddy died but God had other plans…she went home about a month and a half later and Daddy lived on to be 101 and a half. It was heartbreaking but God was with them every step of the way. Keep strong, you can do this. Warmest hugs
Wow living to 100 for both of them, that’s amazing!
Thank you for the news about your parents’ move to Dogwood Forest. I wrote you about my mom being at the DF in Grayson. My sister and I stayed a couple of nights also but no sleep since she kept coming into the living room to ask about this place. But the next day she was walking down the hall with a friend! It was always up and down but did get better over time. Praying for y’all.
Rhoda,
You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers as I knew moving day for your parents was fast approaching. I am so sorry things have not gone smoothly regarding your Dad and the move. I pray he will transition in a few weeks to his new home. I remember my husbands late grandmother when she had a bad fall at 92 and her long time neighbors thankfully talked her to going to the assisted living for a “try-out”. We were so grateful and once she got settled there she never mentioned going home and after six months there she called my husband and instructed him to sell her house because she knew she could never go back.
R. Ben and I have been reading about your weekend with personal interest. We were able to keep my parents at home with 24/7 caregivers who then gave them Covid and killed them both. Bens widowed mother lived with us until she fell for the fifth time snd broke her hip. She is now in a home care place. It’s an actual house with round the care nurses and several other women with dementia. I never knew such houses exists. They cost about three thousand less a month than a place like your parents are in. Instead of having to pay 5000 a month for a room we now pay about two thousand a month which had been a lifesaver. She is very happy there. Thank God. You are very lucky you can afford to have your parents in such a nice facility.. I suppose you gave the facility their house. Unfortunately Bens mothers house was sold by one of her sons. I should say stolen but that’s another topic. Lol. Men are much harder to deal with than women. My dad had a terrible temper tantrum when we gave their bills to my sister to pay. Oh. He was furious and screamed for four hours. But he hadn’t paid a bill in five years since his uti left him with dementia. Then he just forgot all about it. What’s sad to think of ? We’re next in the cycle of life We are your age and I look at my daughter snd feel so badly for what she will face with me and Ben. Alone. I wish I had had more children to help her when that time comes I didn’t think of dementia when I was in my 30s. Sigh. I hope your dad gets acclimated sooner than later. I have a good feeling he will calm down soon. Being 90 is the pits. No nice way to say it. It’s just hard to be in your 90s. My worst feeling? Do you feel any guilt? I do. Tremendous guilt. Not even sure what for. But I feel it. That’s life I guess. 🥲
Hi, Joni, luckily they have a nice retirement account and a house to sell, so are in good shape there. God has been faithful to them over the years and they lived so frugally. We don’t feel any guilt, but it’s still hard knowing that we are disrupting my dad’s life. My mom made the choice to move and we had to do it for her and take him along even though he would never have made that choice himself. We 3 girls are sticking together and doing the best we can for them. It’s great that they will be so close to me as well. I’ve never hear of a home care house either, that’s interesting.
I am helping my sisters with my 91 year old mother. She is at home but with lots of help and just like your dad she thinks everything is fine when it is not. I do her laundry and every time I do it, she gets so angry, I am taking over…she can do her own laundry. Well you know exactly what I am talking about and yes it is hard and I thank God for my sisters who live there and take care of her. I try to come every other week for a day or two to give them a break. I hope Mr Al will come to enjoy having the company of other residents as time progresses. And their apartment is just lovely, I know your mom will enjoy it.
Oh my Rhoda we have been through this three times. There is always some dementia involved. My dad finally realized it made sense for him and went willingly. Steve’s not so much just know you are doing what is best for them and that is all that is matters
I’ve been just thinking of you all weekend. You’ve got so many prayers covering your family. I hope the new meds help. Your parents are just the most lovely people. Sending much love your way. Shannon
Because the past is so much easier for dementia people to “access”, I encourage you to share past pictures of all the IG posts that featured your Dad when he helped you remodel that house and other memories. Maybe skip his beloved garden ones though. Perhaps hearing peoples kind comments about him will help him tap into his breadth of influence and the audience that lived and cheered you both on!! God bless you for loving your parents so well….even if he doesn’t understand….God does!!