Oh friends, it’s been a hard few days. We were all dreading the moving day for mom and dad to assisted living. Even though you know something’s coming, you don’t quite know how to prepare for it and life is so hard at this stage. I’ve had friends who have gone through this with aging parents with dementia and that makes moving and change even harder So even though we knew all that, it’s still hard to prepare for the actual scenario of moving parents to assisted living. One knew about the move and was heavily involved in the planning. The other one was blind sided, which is never a good thing, but we knew already by talking to dad about moving in general the last month that he would never agree to leave his house ever, so what do you do? You make the hard decisions for them and do what you have to do and that’s what my sister and niece and I have done for my parents.
One day he’s sitting on his driveway under the shade and the next day he’s moving to assisted living. Lauren and Renee came home last Wednesday to prepare for this and we had our game plan in place, but it’s still not easy at all. We knew it would be bad and we were right.
This was taken just before the move on their carport. Dad still thinks that he can take care of the house and that things are still running around there as usual, but the burden of the house, finances, meals, and everything else has been on mom’s shoulders for several years now, since dad’s memory has been going with dementia. He’s been on a memory med for a few years now, but it’s time to make some changes with that to help him through this time of life.
We had the movers all lined up and with precision timing, my sister and I, along with Bruce my BIL went over and packed up what they would need to take to assisted living to make their one bedroom apartment homey and comfortable for them. I knew all the suggestions. Take their favorite things and make it feel as much like home as possible. So we took their recliners, TV and their bedroom furniture and a few other things that would fit to make it as cozy as possible. I’ll show pics of that later on, but I wanted to give you all a quick update after the move on Friday. We got things looking so nice and comfortable. They have a private balcony and we moved their outdoor furniture out there along with my dad’s rocking chair and it will be a good place for him to sit outside, once he gets acclimated.
Lauren kept them occupied the whole day and then finally after 3:00 we were ready for them to come over. Dad was jovial with the big welcome at first, he had no idea why they were there, but he joked around with them as he can do with folks. We took them up to their room and gave them a tour around and then he began asking the questions.
Why are we here, what are we doing here? The more we talked to him the madder he got.
We are using the idea that they are there for 2 weeks for mom to get help and a break. That she’s no longer able to care for them and do their meals and all of the things that she’s been doing. A normal person could reason this out and do what it takes for their mate of 68 years, but a dementia person cannot reason. They only think of what they want at the moment. So no amount of reasoning with him has worked.
We have him on some anti-anxiety meds and they do help but we hope to reassess his dementia meds and get him on something that will even him out more with this new change in life. A move like this is so disruptive to the elderly person. Mom is very happy to move, she has accepted that they can no longer do for themselves and she welcomes a place like this that will take care of their needs and has 3 meals a day that she doesn’t have to cook or clean up. Keeping them in their home had gotten too hard and we all had to face that fact.
So their one bedroom with a living room and bathroom space, with private balcony is all they need at this stage of life. We hope that dad will come to accept this move and adjust accordingly. He threatened to walk out and walk home several times, but we just have to keep working with him and trying to be patient until he can adjust and come around. Many have told me they’ve gone through the same thing and that the person usually adjust within a few weeks. We hope it’s sooner than that and maybe with a change of meds, it can happen faster. He goes from nice and normal back to manic, asking where are his car keys, he’s not staying here and he’s going to walk out and leave. He can’t believe we would do this to him, he feels betrayed and like we have treated him so badly. He can’t seem to understand that we have to do this for both of them. Dementia is a cruel disease.
So we do what we have to do at the moment and one of us is staying with them 24/7 at the moment. That’s hard and we know that’s not sustainable for the long haul, but for a few days we will try to get by. We can’t have him walking out the door and wandering the street. They do have memory care in this facility and he would have to be separated from mom to go in there, but that’s a possibility too for a short time. We hope he doesn’t have to do that, but we have to do what works too.
He’s got his favorite chair and they have everything they need here, including 3 meals a day. We sure hope that he can adjust and get used to the place. It’s been a hard road, but we are glad the move is over. We knew he would not react well so we weren’t surprised at his mood and anger, but we sure hope for the best. He goes from happy and normal back to mad and mean and we know that’s normal with dementia. Doesn’t make it easy, but we know it’s normal.
So that’s the quick update on the move. I know that so many people have been praying for us and we feel the prayers, so thank you so much. It’s a hard time and I know that so many of you have been through this same thing too so it helps to read your sweet notes about your own experiences. We have hope that he too can adjust and fit in and their new assisted living. It’s such a nice facility and it’s 5 minutes from my house, so that is such a good thing. I know we’ll be visiting there often and I look forward to the day when dad is settled in and actually liking where he lives now. We can’t go backward, we must continue to move forward for them. They have had such a wonderful blessed life and we are thankful for that. We hope these last years are comfortable, safe and that they can relax and enjoy their final years here on this earth.
Mom is already feeling more relaxed with the burden off her shoulders. I want that for her so much and we pray that daddy will adjust and do this for her. With dementia they can’t even reason compassion for someone else at times and he has a hard time letting go of his own feelings of loss and doing it for her, but we know that he can adjust. Mom will also have to grieve their house and moving on from the life they had there. I know it’s hard for both of them, but mom is accepting and ready. Thank you again for the prayers. It’s going to be a long road, but we hope sooner rather than later he settles in and adjusts to this new way of living in assisted living. It’s such a great place for them! I’ll be sharing more later as things progress but wanted to fill you all in on the move. It hasn’t been an easy weekend at all, but we are hopeful. Always hopeful!
Dear Rhoda,
Thank you so much for this update. Every time I glanced at the calendar this weekend, I thought of you and how you said you were moving them at the beginning of October. Their new place sounds so nice and you have all done such a good job in getting their favorite things there. I guess there are no surprises in how your dad has reacted. It was foreseen but that still doesn’t make it easy at all. I will continue to pray for your dad and mom and all of your family as you try so hard to make them comfortable and happy, and content in their new place. It’s so hard to leave a home you’ve lived in for so many years….but you had no choice with your folks….you are doing the best thing for them. I can only imagine how difficult this is and has been for your mom….knowing this was coming and waiting to see how your dad would react. Keep helping her to think positive through all of this and that things will get better. We don’t know what the future will bring but we just do the best we can with every day. Love to you and your family, Rhoda. God bless you all.
I know this is such a hard choice for everyone involved!! Praying that God gives you all peace! Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!! Your love for your parents is so amazing!
Rhoda, just want to wrap you in a virtual hug. You need uplifting–not another sad story to read. Your mom looks happy on the red carpet. Remember your father in his ‘happy’ days and know that the disease has taken over his mind. Take one of your parent’s old photo albums and ask him to tell you about the people in it. It stimulates the long term memory. You do the best that you can and God will do the rest.
Saying a prayer for all of you tonight! I met your parents at an open house a few years back – I think I even got a picture with them – and they were precious! I can only imagine the difficulty you are all experiencing and I’m praying for peace and a quick acclimation to their new home.
Prayers! This is such a hard time, but will be a blessing in time.
Praying for all of you during this difficult time of adjustment. God has you all in His hands surrounding you with His love.
I pray especially that your sweet daddy will feel the peace that only our Heavenly Father can give.
You are truly a blessing to your parents!
Dear Rhoda – Keeping you, your family and sweet Mom and Dad in my prayers. Prayers your Dad will soon come to acceptance of their new home and he will find comfort and enjoyment each day. 🤗
My mother-in-law was the one who vehemently did not want to move to assisted living. But she could no longer take care of herself…the cooking, the cleaning and it was not safe for her to be in her home anymore. It had all become too much.
It’s been a little over a year ago when we had to sell her home and move her. As your family are all doing, my SIL stayed with her 24/7 to help her through this unwanted transition. The first days at her new apartment were very difficult. She was upset and angry.
During this time, when my SIL and MIL would walk through the facility and common areas, my friendly and outgoing SIL spoke with people/residents as they’d pass each other and my MIL told her to stop it…that she wasn’t staying and didn’t want to meet anyone. We can smile about this now because my MIL eventually warmed up to her new place and now she can’t imagine being anywhere else. She’s safe, made new friends, enjoys the meals and attends as many of the activities as she is able.
Continued prayers for your Dad.
❤️ Deb
Thanks Deb, that’s a wonderful story and I hope this will be the end result for us with dad as well.
Oh, Rhoda, I certainly sympathize with you and your family. We had to cross this bridge with my dad, who moved into a wonderful assisted living last March. It is indeed hard to make the decision, and I am his only living child (we lost my brother last December after a lengthy illness). Prayers for you and your mom and dad!! Hugs, Sondra
Dear dear Rhoda, I have done this with both my parents it is one of the hardest, kindest things you can do for them. My Mother also had dementia. It is such a cruel disease. My heart goes out to you. I am lifting your family up in prayer. Your parents are blessed to have you to take care of them and help facilitate difficult days and give them the best opportunity to do well to be safe and still be somewhat independent. It is difficult to watch someone be distressed. It is wonderful they can be surrounded by there things and find comfort in the familiar. Love to you and your sister and niece.
I am sending many hugs and prayers for you and family during this “new phase” of life. It is never easy…..
My mom had dementia and she was soooo angry at me when my sisters and I had to make that painful decision to move them into assisted living. She blamed me even though we all agreed, as she saw me more frequently than my sisters. My dad did not have dementia but had no clue how to manage the household. I was down there at least twice a week until things settled down. He passed away unexpectedly, leaving my mother to face it all alone. She refused to look at any pictures with Dad in them. It was heartbreaking but it also taught me to be stronger, to be more compassionate, to value the time we had left together. Hugs for you during this difficult time.
P.S. If you haven’t already, ask your parents about their memories of their grandparents. It seems they can remember those past events clearer than current ones.
Dear Rhoda,
I’m praying! Dementia is such a hard thing to deal with. It would be so hard to have them separated but that may have to happen for a while. Hopefully his meds can get adjusted and he can enjoy their beautiful living accommodation.
God is with them and you all. He will give you wisdom to make the decisions you’ll need to make.
Thank you for sharing about your sweet parents. I will be lifting you all up in my prayers today. Your dad sounds a lot like my father in law did for a while. It is so hard. We also had to have family stay 24/7 with him for a while until he could get moved to 24 hour care facility. It is heartbreaking to watch your loved ones go through. Take care, sweet lady and family.
I’m so sorry that you and your parents have to deal with this. My dad had dementia too and we had to be very creative when changing things up. Maybe tell him that he won a contest to stay in this fancy resort for a couple of weeks and they wanted him to bring his favourite belongings to use during his stay. And of course he’ll be going home. With forgetfulness you can just keep saying it’s two weeks. The sign on the floor saying welcome to your new home might be upsetting to him too. Our local Alzheimer’s Association hosts free workshops for family members where I learned so much. We were taught to always agree to whatever he said, sure worked in our situation. Praying for peace for all of you
It took my mom two weeks, and she never mentioned home again. She lived contentedly in assisted living for three years and five more in memory care. You have done the right thing.
Rhoda, you have many prayers going up for your precious parents, you and your family! Those of us that have walked your journey can certainly feel the anguish that you all are going through and know how important the prayer support can be! My mother in law, who had dementia, was the one that had such a difficult time in the beginning, but she finally adjusted and did very well! She had a group of wonderful friends that helped her! They would all sit in the front lobby and greet everyone that came in the facility! They were a joy to be around! In the beginning when my mil was trying to adjust, I told her that she could be such a blessing to others living there and that she could have a ministry of encouragement! I believe the Lord gave me those words to share with her! Those words seemed to stick with her and many times when we visited, we didn’t find her in her room because she would be in another person’s room talking and visiting with them! With your dad being a retired pastor, it might help him to think he has a new mission field and that there are others at the assisted living that need his prayers and encouragement! One person commented yesterday, that his mom settled in once she made a friend. Your mom and dad both have been such a delight when you have share their stories on the blog or on facebook! I am praying that “all things begin to work together for their good”! They “love God and are the called according to His purpose”! Believing for better days ahead for you all!
Thank you Jessica, those are very good words and we have thought the same thing about mom and dad. Dad could definitely minister to people if he could just grasp that concept I hope he can with time, once the anger and feeling of loss is past. I know he’s having a hard time with all of this and it’s hard to watch, but I am hopeful that he will get the help he needs to adjust and thrive eventually.
Rhoda I am crying real tears reading your story. My parents are 04 and 91, currently living in their own home, but I see so many changes in them and it makes me so sad. We don’t have a plan because they won’t make a plan. My Dad has stated that he would crawl around his own house before he went to an assisted living.I don’t know how you made it through the days. I will pray for strength for you and your sister to get through this teally difficult transition. .
Dear Rhoda, your story brought back so many memories of mom and dad’s move over seven years ago. Both have passed. I shed tears over your father’s reaction and just want to give you a big hug. My mother hid my father’s Dementia and Alzheimer’s for a long time and it took a serious illness for me to be able to move them. Horrible time but this too shall pass. So hang tight, pray hard, talk to your friends and family and let off steam. Yelling at the top of your lungs can help sometimes. Be there for your mother, maybe take her out if he takes a long nap. Remember she is living with this 24/7. Read all you can. Brain Registry has a great program and I hope everyone will check it out. Remember the brain you save may be your own. I wish you and your family Peace.
Rhoda , I told my Sunday school class one Sunday that sometimes God puts a difficult path before those whom He trust meaning. He knows the ones who will not become angry with him or doubt His love for us. He knows the ones who will ask no questions but simply and quietly trust Him and say no matter what God I’ll still love you . Carole
SO sorry for what you’re going through- and worse the day he doesn’t remember anything at all. My mother cried her eyeballs out on THAT one for her mother’s Alzheimer’s. And I now cry over HER. She’s been on her own for years, I’m an only daughter, and she needed me to help her fight that 2yr cancer battle- so I walked away from “life.” She lost her battle last summer. EVERY part of it was so hard, but worse was watching her deteriorate and whittle down to nothing. I have no parent left. I feel like an orphan. But as hard as it was- EVERY DAY WAS A GIFT! And the best gift was- her last words were telling me how proud she was of me.
Hug your parents harder and longer. You’re so lucky to still have them. In ANY capacity. What special people they are! Praying for the very best for all of you- Catherine