Time for a parent update and it’s definitely good news and bad news. They moved into Dogwood Forest 4 weeks ago, October 1st and they’re still getting settled in. The good news is that mom absolutely loves it, is thriving and doing so well. The bad news is that dad is struggling still after moving to memory care after that first weekend. You can catch up with all 3 posts about their move if you’ve missed it so far.
I shared the why’s for moving in this post, Honor Thy Parents and the actual move, and then after one week there when we had to move dad to memory care after the first weekend. It’s been 3 weeks of ups and downs since then.
Dogwood Forest is such a nice place and mom has settled in so nicely. She loves her room and spaces as well as the facility itself. She’s doing lots of activities like bingo, sittercize, and participating in a Bible study with some folks. She’s met some of the nicest ladies and one of them that she likes a lot is just two doors down from here, so that’s nice. There are more women than men in assisted living and that’s good for her as she is now enjoying social time that she didn’t have living at home with dad. Living with someone who has dementia is difficult as the real conversations go away and it turns into questions and answers all day long. She was starved for social activities with other people and I’m so glad she’s getting that here.
This is part of the lobby area, like a big living room with 2 fireplaces and a huge aquarium. It’s often filled with residents enjoying the fire and chatting here together. I’ve seen them gather here with a guitar playing girl who was singing to and with them. It’s a beautiful facility with lots of amenities and outdoor spaces. I love that it sits right in downtown Acworth and has a small town feel when you go outside. Mom has settled in so well. I shared her apartment last time and it really is a haven for her, a place she can rest and find comfort. No more work for her! That’s the best part, we are so happy she gets to rest and relax after working so hard taking care of daddy all these years. She has someone cleaning her apartment, doing laundry, and enjoys 3 delicious meals a day. She loves the food and has nothing but good things to say about that. I know she’s feeling pampered being there and that makes me so happy for her.
Her one bedroom apartment is just perfect and it’s so nice that it has a private balcony and she can enjoy the outdoors. We’ve had some beautiful fall days and she’s enjoyed sitting on the balcony too. She has full days now with no work and that’s the best part. She can do as much or as little as she feels like.
We sat out on the balcony one day last week when I stopped by to visit. It gets a lot of sun and shade and is a great place to read and relax.
So back to dad. We didn’t see him for about a week when he was initially moved to memory care. We got updates every couple of days and they told us that he was doing fine. We told them to ask him to pray and so they did and now everyone calls him Pastor and I think he’s praying for all the meals. They said he was leading the morning group when they all come together and talk and share, so that was good to hear. We are hoping his Pastor heart will come out even more the longer he is there. Right now he can’t see much except what he’s missing and that’s home.
We did finally go in one day to see him after a week and 1/2 of not seeing him and it was good to see him and mom together again. He face lit up and he told her how much he missed her. I sat with them and took it all in. He was sweet and told her how happy he was to see her and it was a good first visit.
We looked around a bit and let him show us around his area. There are about 27 people in memory care I think. About 1/2 of them seem to be in worse shape than he is mentally and physically, but some are better than others. It’s heart breaking to see them at this stage, but I know that so many families deal with dementia and Alzheimer’s. It’s not easy at all to see our loved ones lose their memories and their mental faculties.
We took him outside where they have a nice courtyard with rocking chairs and visited for a bit before we left. That visit didn’t go downhill too badly and we spent about an hour with him and then made an excuse that mom had to go to the doctor and had to leave, but we would be back. He let us walk out the door without any fuss.
A couple of days later I went and got him again and we went outside to the front porch rocking chairs, where a sweet couple friends of theirs came to visit, a couple from their church who they’ve known for about 40 years. I’m not sure Dad knew exactly who they were but he sat and chatted with the husband for a long while, as they’ve always done. I was listening to him talk about wanting to go home and that he couldn’t wait to leave this place and get back home as soon as he could.
One of the directors captured this picture of dad one day and it was a sweet pic to see. I loved seeing his big smile. We are so hoping that the new meds he is on will help with his dementia and help him with calmness eventually. It will take time to see how they will work and to get them adjusted better. After seeing him the first couple of visits in the last couple of weeks, the next visits didn’t go as well.
We also had incidents of him losing/misplacing his wallet and claiming it was stolen and gone. I went in his room twice that first week and found his wallet and returned it to him. He was so happy to see it and after the second episode we talked him into giving the wallet to mom to hold. I even wrote a note for him so he could read the note and know that mom had his wallet. That lasted a few days and then they came to get mom and told her he wanted to see her. She went over there and he insisted on getting his wallet back, adamant about it so she gave it back to him. We knew this was going to be a continual problem and it has been.
Once he got it back, he “lost” it again and insisted it was stolen and gone. It was found once again and given back to him and he agreed once again to give it to mom, so she has it now. I’m sure he will demand it back any day now. We think we might get another wallet and give it to him without anything in it. This is the loop of dementia apparently. They can’t process these things and insist on one set of facts when in fact it’s not true. He had carried that note that I wrote that said “Iris has your wallet” around in his pocket and when he lost it for the 3rd time, when I told him that mom had given it back to him, he insisted she did not give it back to him. He had a note that said she had it. We are learning how this stuff works. We knew his dementia was getting worse and his reasoning is non-existent. It’s just a hard place to be, but we hope it will get somewhat better with time. We hope he can come to a place of acceptance and a level of contentment eventually, we’ve heard most people do.
We’ve gone the last 2 Sundays to have lunch with mom and after lunch we all went over (me, Mark, and mom) to visit him. The memory care facility is a wing off the back of the assisted living with a keypad we can use to go in and out at any time. The weather has been so nice so we sat outside with him which is his happy place. We hope that he will go outside more and more, but he may not remember how to get out there by himself. I’ve told some of the staff over there that he loves to go outside so I hope they will take him periodically on good days.
Both Sundays, the conversations spiralled quickly and all he could talk about was going home. Where was his car and keys, he wanted to drive himself home and if he couldn’t do that, he would walk. Here we go again. It’s so sad that he can’t comprehend where they are in life now, that they can’t take care of themselves and need to have help and daily care, but it’s just not possible for his brain to process that. He would say over and over again how miserable he is, he doesn’t want to be there, he just wants to go home. We would tell him they needed to be there for mom to get help and just a couple minutes later it would start all over again. When can we go home? He would say they could go home and hire someone to help them. He’s even lucid enough to come up with that idea and plead to go home, please don’t leave him there. It breaks our heart and really makes mom so sad that she cries when she leaves him. She hates that he has to be there, apart from her, but we have to make sure he is safe and protected and taken care of. We can’t have him ranting everyday to go home and blaming mom for their circumstances and where they are now.
We know that his entire world has been turned upside down and it’s our doing that made this decision, but all of the family decided on this together, with mom driving the decision. He can’t possibly understand it all. We know it’s for the best, we can’t second guess our decision. We’ve talked multiple times about the fact that even if they had stayed home and hired help every single day that wouldn’t satisfy him either. He gave my mom a hard time almost weekly even having someone coming in 2 or 3 days a week for 3 hours at a time. He would never be happy with having someone in his house for extended periods of times which is what they would need as they age even more. I just can’t take care of them like they need to be taken care of. Mom was completely exhausted with having all the burden of the house, meals, bills, laundry, home maintenance, even the yard work. Dad did mow the grass with his riding lawn mower, but that was the extent of his help with the yard. The rest of the yard needed much more help which had to be hired out too. He wasn’t happy when we hired some yard work either for a short time.
So it was an ongoing battle with anything mom tried to hire out. Not to mention his driving. That was another battle that would not have stopped with them being at home. It was horrible going through that with him when we took his keys in July and I had to give his car keys back before they moved because he was so irate about it all. Thank goodness, he didn’t try to drive, but if he was left at home I am sure he would have tried. He’s threatened again since they moved to call the police on me and mom for keeping his car from him and keeping him from going home. It’s so sad to deal with, but that is dementia. It’s not him it’s the dementia. We are learning more about it as we go along. I’ve got some books to read to help me deal with his issues and mom as well. We are meeting other families there who have the same issues. Husbands who are in assisted living that have wives over in memory care where dad is. We are definitely not alone in this situation. So we wait it out and hope and pray that he can settle down eventually and find some sort of contentment. I can see why he’s not happy, memory care is definitely more isolating than the assisted living side. If there’s anyway he can settle in and get some sense of contentment eventually, we will see if there’s a possibility that he can go back with mom in assisted living, but we have no idea if it can happen or not. Time will tell. It all depends on what happens and if he can be trusted to go back and settle in with her. I know he would be happier with being with her there, but it might not be possible. We don’t want her to continue to have the burden of caring for dad as he gets worse. It’s so nice that he’s taken care of and we know he’s safe and sound and we can see him as often as we want. He might not be happy yet, but we hope that more and more we can interact with him often and things will get better for him.
I’m just sharing the absolute truth of what we’ve experienced and I hope this helps others who are experiencing similar situations. Dealing with dementia is not easy, we are still learning as we go. We are not experts on this subject and have so much more to learn, but it’s nice to be in a community of other people who have their own issues and problems with aging loved ones. We are all in this together and it’s nice to not be alone. The families and people we have met there have been such a blessing. Aging is not easy, but I’m happy to be there for my parents as we walk through this journey of getting older and needing even more care. We know they are both taken care of on a daily basis and that gives us such comfort. Having them both separated in two different spaces is definitely more expensive than it would have been if they could stay together, but we are so grateful that they saved their money and prepared for such a time as this (even if Dad never wanted to spend their money). We know we are fortunate that they have the means to do this. Walking this road with loved ones isn’t an easy journey, but I know that God will see us through. Mom has a lot of faith as well and that gets her through every single day. Thank you all for following along on our journey with us. I hope our story helps someone else as you prepare for this with your loved ones. There’s no easy answer at all, but we all have to do the best we can as these days unfold. I’ll be sure and keep you updated at least once a month or so as time goes on. It’s a little ironic that both of my mom’s living siblings, her younger brothers and their wives (one in FL and one in SC) are both going to assisted living facilities as well. One couple has already moved in and one is moving in December. They have come to the same conclusion that we did.
This is where we are as of now and we are hopeful for better days ahead for daddy. I’ve been sharing these sweet parents of mine here on this blog for going on 15 years, so it only makes sense to keep on sharing as we move forward in this aging process.
Thank goodness you made this decision…easy?…no! But the right one. It’s normal to second guess this decision, but truthfully the main goal is for them to be safe and have the care they need. I doubt he can move to AL with your mom…he’s too far down the dementia road and actually moving him again would be harder on him [and your mom). People with dementia don’t do well with multiple moves. As my sister said about my dad…he takes the record off the shelf in his brain and plays it with the needle getting stuck¿…meaning you will hear your dad say theses same things about going home over and over. The best thing you can do is learn about how to use “redirection” with him. Don’t explain because he can’t reason. Don’t argue…just say yes dad…we will look into that and change the subject. Look up Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She explains how to deal with people who have dementia. She is excellent. This is one of the hardest journeys ever. Take care of yourself.
I loved the photo of your dad smiling..he ROCKS!!!!
I can hear your heart struggle in your words, my friends. Just know you are doing the very best thing for your beloved parents. I’m praying your dad can get the help he needs to settle down so he can be with your mom. So many people are behind you. You are a special person that is, once again, helping others with your truthful words. God works through you perfectly.
Hi Rhoda…
I’m sure you’ve gotten many recommendations but you might want to pick up the book “My Two Elaines”.
I had the opportunity to hear Marty share his bittersweet story a few years ago. The book has gotten good reviews on Amazon.
Praying for Gods peace and presence as you navigate this difficult journey.
We are going through this (Alzheimer’s) with my mother in law.
It will become easier. She has been in the memory care wing of an assisted living facility now for a year. She has reached an acceptance stage, and even talks about how she likes it there, that it’s comfortable, and the staff so nice, etc. She did have to be started on medication a few months ago, as she had become somewhat combative about getting a shower, getting dressed, and so forth.
I went through the same thing years ago with my dad, before he passed .
I agree , it’s not an easy thing, but something many of us unfortunately face.
God bless your parents, you and your family . Prayers it becomes easier for your sweet dad.
It’s a terrible struggle that we also went through with my dad. It helps to agree with everything your dad says, never contradict him, and tell him he’s going home tomorrow. It may be difficult to be dishonest with your dad, but you know he has lost the ability to process information rationally. God bless you in this sad journey.
I’ve been following you for most of those 15 years and I’m praying for your family, Rhoda. I’m glad your Mom is able to relax and not worry about cooking and cleaning.
Excellent description helps educate your readers about aging and dementia. Your father and mother both are blessed. As healthcare worker, routines, and
Going outside are very beneficial. My Dad always was uplifted, less depressed after we went outside and enjoyed the fresh air and daylight. Your Dad might able to help the activities director and staff with any games, music, or events they plan.
Some residents can be able to go off the memory units to attend bingo, etc for the socialization and stimulation. I had one resident whose wife came everyday to our memory unit for meals, and feed her husband at a table with several residents.
I know well the struggle you are going through. I am certainly not an expert on dementia but I feel that, at least for some people, the yearning to go home is exacerbated by the fact that they don’t feel at home in themselves any more. It’s such a hard place to be and I pray for peace and grace for all of you.
Thank you for sharing and being so opened and honest. I have read your blog for many years and it makes me sad to see your dads decline. Your heart must be breaking.
Praying for you.
GOD bless you. Just before she had her broken hip and the ensuing drama that put her in care,we
helped MIL with the hanging tomato planters. She so enjoyed watching and caring for them.it stressed her that she was unable to care for them so the sisters suggested we bring one of them so she could see it was ok.It not only cheered her up but others loved it.do you think the landscapers would enjoy some “help” from your father.he seemed to enjoy growing things and the feel of the sun on his back and the soil in his hands could feel like “?hhome.
You are ALL in my prayers ❤️
So tough – stay strong and cry when you need to. This is a huge shift for everyone and what a blessing that your mother is so happy. No experience with this dementia situation but oh gosh, I know it is so challenging. Do the things that recharge your soul because you have to take care of Rhoda, too. I’ve read you off and on for a long time so I know what a strong woman you are, but sometimes we just have to let go in a safe place and weep. Thank you for sharing this difficult journey.
I understand the missing wallet! With my mother it was her necklace! Any necklace would do, but it had to have a heavy chain as she would just yank it off any old way. I always had an extra one on hand as they disappeared regularly. And always the necklace of course came from my younger brother and him only!!! It made her smile to tell me all about it! You do whatever it takes. So buy some cheap wallets and put a business card or dollar bill in it to keep your dad content. It’s difficult, and I hope that with time it gets better for all of you.
Thank you for sharing your experiences so openly about dealing with elderly parents and dementia. You are not alone for sure, we moved to the Atlanta metro area this summer to be closer to my parents who were in Independent Living and my sister who was their primary caretaker, so nice to be close to family now but heartbreaking to see my Mom who had dementia go downhill so quickly after we got here, I had two months with her before she passed away in September, so hard to see my poor Dad deal with it, we were in the process of putting her in Memory Care when she passed, so he was with her which was sweet. My Dad, like your Mom, is thriving in the social aspects of his facility but my Mom, like your Dad, hated it. Everyone who has dementia is different and you never know for sure what will work for each, his agitation may not go away, I feel badly for you and for him and especially for your Mom, I know my Dad has taken the brunt of all of her illness and the guilt of sometimes telling white lies to get through a situation. Heartbreaking to say the very least. Prayers of peace for your Dad, your Mom and of course you and your family. So great to be together in agreement with your family in the decisions to help them both, it means a lot.
Dear Rhoda , Thanks so much for the update on your sweet Mama and Daddy. I think of them often, as I know many long time readers do. You have definitely made the right decision Rhoda.Just look at your Mama’s content and rested smile. And your Dad will adjust, slowly but surely. You know the main thing is that he is safe and all his needs are cared for. It looks like a beautiful place. Don’t second guess yourself – you did the right thing !! ❤️
omygosh my heart breaks for you! my mom went thru this! her angry stage did not last long but the stage after that was worse, she forgot how to speak and knew no one she just sat staring into space?
Rhoda, I thank you for these posts! My mom is in the late stages of dementia and is cared for in her home with 24 hour care. It is getting more difficult to manage all the different shifts of caregivers, the groceries, the laundry, just everything so we, my sisters and I, are going to visit a facility next week to consider moving Mom to memory care. The facility only has 12 beds for the people with later stage dementia, so we think that’s good, but we know it will not be easy moving her. The only hopeful thing is, she no longer knows that she is in her own home most of the time. Sometimes, even sitting in her own den, she says she wants to go back home. It’s tragic and so sad and reading your posts is helpful to me and I thank you for your honesty. God bless you and your family, especially your sweet parents.
Having lived through everything you are experiencing with my own father almost exactly, I can tell you that you did the right thing for your dad and you did the best thing for your mom. You know that he would want her to have the best of care and enjoy her days, if he wasn’t dealing with this. Praying for all of you in the hard days ahead, knowing that the Lord will give you the strength to face each new day’s realities, as He gave you the strength to make the decision to move your parents. Never doubt that you did what was best for both of them.
Lynne
You are so lucky! You have a wonderful place that is close to your home! Your Mom is finally able to relax and enjoy herself and your Dad is being provided with loving care and supervision. Your Mom has accepted the situation, and probably did years ago, before you even noticed a problem. She is getting on with the rest of her life. Your job now is to accept the reality that Daddy is slowly going away: remember President Reagan writing about the ‘long goodbye’? Be glad that your Mom has a life and Dad is safe. Stop second guessing yourself.