Time for a parent update and it’s definitely good news and bad news. They moved into Dogwood Forest 4 weeks ago, October 1st and they’re still getting settled in. The good news is that mom absolutely loves it, is thriving and doing so well. The bad news is that dad is struggling still after moving to memory care after that first weekend. You can catch up with all 3 posts about their move if you’ve missed it so far.
I shared the why’s for moving in this post, Honor Thy Parents and the actual move, and then after one week there when we had to move dad to memory care after the first weekend. It’s been 3 weeks of ups and downs since then.
Dogwood Forest is such a nice place and mom has settled in so nicely. She loves her room and spaces as well as the facility itself. She’s doing lots of activities like bingo, sittercize, and participating in a Bible study with some folks. She’s met some of the nicest ladies and one of them that she likes a lot is just two doors down from here, so that’s nice. There are more women than men in assisted living and that’s good for her as she is now enjoying social time that she didn’t have living at home with dad. Living with someone who has dementia is difficult as the real conversations go away and it turns into questions and answers all day long. She was starved for social activities with other people and I’m so glad she’s getting that here.
This is part of the lobby area, like a big living room with 2 fireplaces and a huge aquarium. It’s often filled with residents enjoying the fire and chatting here together. I’ve seen them gather here with a guitar playing girl who was singing to and with them. It’s a beautiful facility with lots of amenities and outdoor spaces. I love that it sits right in downtown Acworth and has a small town feel when you go outside. Mom has settled in so well. I shared her apartment last time and it really is a haven for her, a place she can rest and find comfort. No more work for her! That’s the best part, we are so happy she gets to rest and relax after working so hard taking care of daddy all these years. She has someone cleaning her apartment, doing laundry, and enjoys 3 delicious meals a day. She loves the food and has nothing but good things to say about that. I know she’s feeling pampered being there and that makes me so happy for her.
Her one bedroom apartment is just perfect and it’s so nice that it has a private balcony and she can enjoy the outdoors. We’ve had some beautiful fall days and she’s enjoyed sitting on the balcony too. She has full days now with no work and that’s the best part. She can do as much or as little as she feels like.
We sat out on the balcony one day last week when I stopped by to visit. It gets a lot of sun and shade and is a great place to read and relax.
So back to dad. We didn’t see him for about a week when he was initially moved to memory care. We got updates every couple of days and they told us that he was doing fine. We told them to ask him to pray and so they did and now everyone calls him Pastor and I think he’s praying for all the meals. They said he was leading the morning group when they all come together and talk and share, so that was good to hear. We are hoping his Pastor heart will come out even more the longer he is there. Right now he can’t see much except what he’s missing and that’s home.
We did finally go in one day to see him after a week and 1/2 of not seeing him and it was good to see him and mom together again. He face lit up and he told her how much he missed her. I sat with them and took it all in. He was sweet and told her how happy he was to see her and it was a good first visit.
We looked around a bit and let him show us around his area. There are about 27 people in memory care I think. About 1/2 of them seem to be in worse shape than he is mentally and physically, but some are better than others. It’s heart breaking to see them at this stage, but I know that so many families deal with dementia and Alzheimer’s. It’s not easy at all to see our loved ones lose their memories and their mental faculties.
We took him outside where they have a nice courtyard with rocking chairs and visited for a bit before we left. That visit didn’t go downhill too badly and we spent about an hour with him and then made an excuse that mom had to go to the doctor and had to leave, but we would be back. He let us walk out the door without any fuss.
A couple of days later I went and got him again and we went outside to the front porch rocking chairs, where a sweet couple friends of theirs came to visit, a couple from their church who they’ve known for about 40 years. I’m not sure Dad knew exactly who they were but he sat and chatted with the husband for a long while, as they’ve always done. I was listening to him talk about wanting to go home and that he couldn’t wait to leave this place and get back home as soon as he could.
One of the directors captured this picture of dad one day and it was a sweet pic to see. I loved seeing his big smile. We are so hoping that the new meds he is on will help with his dementia and help him with calmness eventually. It will take time to see how they will work and to get them adjusted better. After seeing him the first couple of visits in the last couple of weeks, the next visits didn’t go as well.
We also had incidents of him losing/misplacing his wallet and claiming it was stolen and gone. I went in his room twice that first week and found his wallet and returned it to him. He was so happy to see it and after the second episode we talked him into giving the wallet to mom to hold. I even wrote a note for him so he could read the note and know that mom had his wallet. That lasted a few days and then they came to get mom and told her he wanted to see her. She went over there and he insisted on getting his wallet back, adamant about it so she gave it back to him. We knew this was going to be a continual problem and it has been.
Once he got it back, he “lost” it again and insisted it was stolen and gone. It was found once again and given back to him and he agreed once again to give it to mom, so she has it now. I’m sure he will demand it back any day now. We think we might get another wallet and give it to him without anything in it. This is the loop of dementia apparently. They can’t process these things and insist on one set of facts when in fact it’s not true. He had carried that note that I wrote that said “Iris has your wallet” around in his pocket and when he lost it for the 3rd time, when I told him that mom had given it back to him, he insisted she did not give it back to him. He had a note that said she had it. We are learning how this stuff works. We knew his dementia was getting worse and his reasoning is non-existent. It’s just a hard place to be, but we hope it will get somewhat better with time. We hope he can come to a place of acceptance and a level of contentment eventually, we’ve heard most people do.
We’ve gone the last 2 Sundays to have lunch with mom and after lunch we all went over (me, Mark, and mom) to visit him. The memory care facility is a wing off the back of the assisted living with a keypad we can use to go in and out at any time. The weather has been so nice so we sat outside with him which is his happy place. We hope that he will go outside more and more, but he may not remember how to get out there by himself. I’ve told some of the staff over there that he loves to go outside so I hope they will take him periodically on good days.
Both Sundays, the conversations spiralled quickly and all he could talk about was going home. Where was his car and keys, he wanted to drive himself home and if he couldn’t do that, he would walk. Here we go again. It’s so sad that he can’t comprehend where they are in life now, that they can’t take care of themselves and need to have help and daily care, but it’s just not possible for his brain to process that. He would say over and over again how miserable he is, he doesn’t want to be there, he just wants to go home. We would tell him they needed to be there for mom to get help and just a couple minutes later it would start all over again. When can we go home? He would say they could go home and hire someone to help them. He’s even lucid enough to come up with that idea and plead to go home, please don’t leave him there. It breaks our heart and really makes mom so sad that she cries when she leaves him. She hates that he has to be there, apart from her, but we have to make sure he is safe and protected and taken care of. We can’t have him ranting everyday to go home and blaming mom for their circumstances and where they are now.
We know that his entire world has been turned upside down and it’s our doing that made this decision, but all of the family decided on this together, with mom driving the decision. He can’t possibly understand it all. We know it’s for the best, we can’t second guess our decision. We’ve talked multiple times about the fact that even if they had stayed home and hired help every single day that wouldn’t satisfy him either. He gave my mom a hard time almost weekly even having someone coming in 2 or 3 days a week for 3 hours at a time. He would never be happy with having someone in his house for extended periods of times which is what they would need as they age even more. I just can’t take care of them like they need to be taken care of. Mom was completely exhausted with having all the burden of the house, meals, bills, laundry, home maintenance, even the yard work. Dad did mow the grass with his riding lawn mower, but that was the extent of his help with the yard. The rest of the yard needed much more help which had to be hired out too. He wasn’t happy when we hired some yard work either for a short time.
So it was an ongoing battle with anything mom tried to hire out. Not to mention his driving. That was another battle that would not have stopped with them being at home. It was horrible going through that with him when we took his keys in July and I had to give his car keys back before they moved because he was so irate about it all. Thank goodness, he didn’t try to drive, but if he was left at home I am sure he would have tried. He’s threatened again since they moved to call the police on me and mom for keeping his car from him and keeping him from going home. It’s so sad to deal with, but that is dementia. It’s not him it’s the dementia. We are learning more about it as we go along. I’ve got some books to read to help me deal with his issues and mom as well. We are meeting other families there who have the same issues. Husbands who are in assisted living that have wives over in memory care where dad is. We are definitely not alone in this situation. So we wait it out and hope and pray that he can settle down eventually and find some sort of contentment. I can see why he’s not happy, memory care is definitely more isolating than the assisted living side. If there’s anyway he can settle in and get some sense of contentment eventually, we will see if there’s a possibility that he can go back with mom in assisted living, but we have no idea if it can happen or not. Time will tell. It all depends on what happens and if he can be trusted to go back and settle in with her. I know he would be happier with being with her there, but it might not be possible. We don’t want her to continue to have the burden of caring for dad as he gets worse. It’s so nice that he’s taken care of and we know he’s safe and sound and we can see him as often as we want. He might not be happy yet, but we hope that more and more we can interact with him often and things will get better for him.
I’m just sharing the absolute truth of what we’ve experienced and I hope this helps others who are experiencing similar situations. Dealing with dementia is not easy, we are still learning as we go. We are not experts on this subject and have so much more to learn, but it’s nice to be in a community of other people who have their own issues and problems with aging loved ones. We are all in this together and it’s nice to not be alone. The families and people we have met there have been such a blessing. Aging is not easy, but I’m happy to be there for my parents as we walk through this journey of getting older and needing even more care. We know they are both taken care of on a daily basis and that gives us such comfort. Having them both separated in two different spaces is definitely more expensive than it would have been if they could stay together, but we are so grateful that they saved their money and prepared for such a time as this (even if Dad never wanted to spend their money). We know we are fortunate that they have the means to do this. Walking this road with loved ones isn’t an easy journey, but I know that God will see us through. Mom has a lot of faith as well and that gets her through every single day. Thank you all for following along on our journey with us. I hope our story helps someone else as you prepare for this with your loved ones. There’s no easy answer at all, but we all have to do the best we can as these days unfold. I’ll be sure and keep you updated at least once a month or so as time goes on. It’s a little ironic that both of my mom’s living siblings, her younger brothers and their wives (one in FL and one in SC) are both going to assisted living facilities as well. One couple has already moved in and one is moving in December. They have come to the same conclusion that we did.
This is where we are as of now and we are hopeful for better days ahead for daddy. I’ve been sharing these sweet parents of mine here on this blog for going on 15 years, so it only makes sense to keep on sharing as we move forward in this aging process.
Cathy French says
I am thinking of you and your family and praying for them and especially your dear parents. Your Mom looks so much happier and more at ease now! Your Daddy will gradually adjust and settle in but I know it is very hard seeing him get upset. Bless you for the love and devotion you demonstrate for your parents! Thanks for sharing your journey with your blogging family. 🙏🏻❤️🍁🙏🏻
Katie Sullivan says
Thank you for sharing your & your parents’ journey. My husband and I dealt with something similar with my mother-in-law. It’s heartbreaking and I can tell from your writing how difficult this is for you. Please know (from a random stranger) that you are doing what’s best for them.
A random thought- could you get your dad a wallet with some kind of chain/string that hooks to his pants? (I’m sure that wouldn’t completely solve the problem, but might help?)
Maxine Powell says
Oct 31,20216
Ruth says
I’ve been following your blog since you began. I have enjoyed the sharing of your lovely family. This part I’m sure is difficult, hugs and will continue to remember you in prayer.
Amber says
Praying for you and your family. I’ve worked in nursing homes and memory units for 15 years. It’s so hard to watch the dementia process. I do encourage you to read the books. Entering their reality and meeting their immediate need is the best advice I can give.
Do get him a wallet with throw away cards in them. Get him 3 if you need to. Food seems to calm them down. Maybe eating a snack or a meal with him each time and then when the meal is over it’s time to leave.
Just an idea❤️ I can’t imagine how hard it is to live through. Also- don’t expect what you don’t inspect. Each place is only as good as their worst staff member…
Rhoda says
Thanks Amber, I’m definitely reading up on dementia, since we are new to all of this journey. I know that we will make it. Haven’t second guessed our decision at all, we talked all the scenarios out before we planned the move.
Donna says
You are so blessed to have these two as your parents and they are blessed to have your care. May God bless you all with peace and contentment.
Lynda Cloninger says
Thanks for sharing this difficult time with us. My heart goes out to all of you! I can’t imagine how heartbreaking some of this is for you; no matter how old we are as their children, we still want to please our parents, and being in the position of having to make such difficult decisions to ensure their safety must be so hard. Love and prayers for all! ❤️🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻
Judy Clark says
Rho,
Thank you for sharing about your amazing Daddy and Mamma.
Its a difficult thing to drop your parents off at a new place and just pray that they will be taken care of.
As you know my Mamma died early, but our Daddy lived in a nursing home for 10 years. He died at 95. His mind was so sharp, but he did not want to live after Mamma died – he was so depressed that he would not eat and wanted to starve himself to death. We went through all of the things that you mentioned. The housekeeper, a cook. He would not let them in the house. My Brother picked him up off the sofa and had to move him to a place where he could be taken care of. He weighed 95 pounds at that time. He was so mad at my Brothers and me, but in time he felt so much better. He had friends, church, good food and sweet people to take care of him. We saw him all the time. He could watch his Braves on the television. I know that he would be so happy to see them in the World Series again. He lived a good life. Before he passed away he was a little chubby which was something new to all of us.
We live in a 55 and older community in TX now and so many of my friends have lost their loved ones to Dementia. Its a horrible disease.
I can tell you based on what we have seen with our friends out here. You are doing everything right!!
Your Mother is a warrior! It is so good to see her looking happy and rested. Regardless of your Dad’s situation you have to move forward. Unfortunately Dementia it does not reverse itself.
God Bless you my friend. I pray for you every day and know that God will give you the strength to move forward in the days ahead.
Much Love,
Judy
Rhoda says
Thank you, my sweet friend!
Celia says
Praying for you and your parents. There is nothing harder than having to place your loved ones in a care facility. It just about breaks ones heart when they have dementia and all they want is to go home. My dear husband tried to walk home one winter night because he wanted to go home. I thank God for taking care of him until he called him home.
Nancy says
This is a very hard journey. You are a strong woman and God will lead your steps. You are doing the right thing. Don’t question that. You only want what is best for your parents. They have lived a very Godly life and have a great reward waiting for them when God is ready.
Jane says
Oh, Rhoda. How well I know what you’re going through. My dear Dad (rest his soul) was so very angry with me when I had to transfer him from the hospital to nursing care. It was a terribly emotional time for me, I confess. But you know, he eventually became accustomed to his new home, and even seemed to enjoy it. His caretakers loved him, and took care of him like a baby. I saw him at least once every single day that he was there (among the obvious benefits, that keeps caretakers on notice that someone is monitoring closely), and he figured out that he was actually seeing me more often than he did when he was in his home. No two cases are the same of course, but I can hope that your Dad, as my own did, finds peace with his new surroundings. Come the day that he can be reunited with his beloved wife. I pray for you all.
sheilacatherine says
Dearest Rhoda,
Thank you for sharing your heart. I wish I could say it gets better. You’ve made the best decision possible and I hope you feel complete peace in this. And I pray He continues to shower you with His grace and comfort.
God Bless!
Beverly says
Your post is so touching that it has brought me to tears. I can feel the love that you have for your dear folks and never, ever second guess your decision. You’re a good daughter and your parents are adorable. I love reading about their journey. Please continue to keep us updated on their days.
Cassie says
Thank you for your updates and thank you for sharing you parents with us. They have brought many of us joy through the years. It’s nice to see your mom doing so well. Prayers for you and your family.
Rosalyn says
Thank you for sharing your journey. My Dad passed away last month and my Mom has dementia. She is not eager to move although has said in the last few days that she wants to sell her house and move into assisted living after the holidays. (It will take a while to go through their things ) She isn’t handling living on her own very well and I need to go over every day. It is difficult as my siblings live out of state. It is a lot as I have a family of my own to take care of. Running 2 households is wearing me out. Thanks for helping me feel I am not alone.
Rhoda says
HI Rosalyn, I feel for you it is exhausting. I had to go over pretty often for them before they moved and it was a lot for one person. You are not alone!
Sue says
Keeping you and your parents in prayers, Rhoda. We’ve lived this with both of my parents and my mother-in-law. I know it’s hard, but as others have said, you are doing everything right. Your sweet mom deserves to have the burdens lifted and they both deserve to be in a place where they are safe and well-cared for. You and Mark and your family are to be admired for undertaking everything to ensure that happened. Stay strong and know your online friends are thinking of you. It’s been a joy to read about your parents over the years. Thanks for sharing the next chapter. Dementia is unfortunately so common, what you share will be a help to countless others.
Lana Merrill says
I have just Prayed for your
PRECIOUS Parents and for you and all your Family. It’s difficult. I’ve been through this
With my Mother, and husband. GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU. SENDING YOU LOVE. WE WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR
Gods Strength.
Emily Baker says
Rhoda, I’ve been following with you on your blog. You are so lucky that you still have your sweet parents….my Mom passed away when I was 40 and I miss her every day still. You have done the right thing with your parents and your Dad, in his right mind, would agree. I know it’s been very hard on your precious Mom. Dementia is such a robber of minds… it can be frustrating at times, but showing your love sinks in to them. I continue to keep you, and your parents in prayer. His watches over us all!
Roberta Cordell says
Rhonda, this brings back so many memories of my parents. Right before their 73 anniversary and their 100th birthdays we had to put Dad in a nursing home. Mom stayed in her apartment at my sister’s home where they had lived for about 20 years. It was so hard for Mom to be away from him but her got great care. Will be keeping all of you in my prayers. Hugs, Roberta
Laura says
Thank you for sharing this. My family is “learning as we go” as well, with my mother’s journey with Dementia. Such a horrible disease, that nothing in life prepares you for. I hope your dad is able to settle in. All the best.